Family Guy

Ah, the record store...

Full of the greatest albums of all time

and the employees who hate every one of 'em.

Hey, do you have the Eagles' Greatest Hits?

Yeah. It's under "O" for "obvious."

And "overrated."

Thank you, bearded failures.

You know, it's stores like this where you learn

about the real history of rock and roll,

not the watered-down version you get in every movie

about a musician's life.

Yeah, all those biopics are the same story:

unsupportive parents, hit song,

band turmoil...

Having giant horse teeth and dying of AIDS.

All of 'em are exactly the same.

Check out this section for the Doors.

Jim Morrison is a legend,

whether we like it or not.

He had the good sense to die

before we could see him at the Pechanga Casino and go,

"Oh, my God, that's him?"

It was the '60s,

a time of great fateful missed Frisbee catches.

The iconic band was formed one day

when Ray Manzarek met Jim Morrison on Venice Beach.

Thanks! I'm Ray Manzarek. What's your name?

Jim Morrison. Light my fire.

W-Wait a minute, wait. What'd you just say?

Say that again.

Light my fire?

Yeah, that! That could be a song

that's tolerated for generations!

What do you say you and I form a band?

A band? But this is the '60s.

We don't have nearly enough floppy heads of hair to do that.

Hey, you guys starting a band? Mind if we join?

Yes. You're both in.

We are gonna be huge, you guys.

And nothing's gonna get between us...

Not drugs or alcohol

or the first toxic relationship that comes my way.

Look out! Easily manipulated runaway comin' through!

Screw you guys! I'm following that lady,

and there's nothing you can do about it!

I am the Doors!

Jim, be reasonable.

We haven't even named ourselves that yet.

Look, I'm gonna get right to it

and say I miss making music with you bastards.

Thanks!

I'm Charles Manson. What's your name?

Jim Morrison. Kill Sharon Tate.

Wait a minute. What did you just say?

Say that again.

Yeah.

Jim Morrison. Love me two times.

W-Wait a minute. What'd you just say?

Say that again.

Well, Jim, I'm flattered you broke into my home,

but I have a serious boyfriend and I think you should leave.

But I'm a rock star!

And he's an astronaut.

You know, unfortunately for you, this is the one time in history

where astronauts are cooler than rock stars.

Well, I don't care. You're my muse,

and I'm moving in with my trash bags of bad poetry.

"The caterpillar...

"a tiny hair snake?

Nay. Because of his many, many legs."

"The snake.

"A large, hairless caterpillar?

Nay. On account of no legs."

"The snakeapillar..."

Wow. Such a genius, huh?

Now, I do have a boyfriend,

but I'm also a free spirit.

That's my fun little way of sayin' I'm a slut.

So, how'd you like to have sex with my kite-sized woman weave?

Mm, it'll mesh perfectly with my giant nest of tight ringlets.

Oh, Jim.

Call me the Lizard King.

Oh, Lizard King!

Yeah. Now call me Archduke Salamander,

Emperor of Newts.

You're the Archduke...

Ah, I'm done.

Velcro.

Just like my shoes.

Early on, Jim Morrison had terrible stage fright,

so he performed with his back to the crowd.

The only thing that calmed his nerves

was what everyone was using back then,

Strawberry Nesquik.

It upset his stomach terribly

because of his lactose intolerance,

a condition that would escalate to full-on cream bigotry.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Uh-oh.

My fart's stuck in the pants.

Well, get it out. We've got a show to do.

We all feeling good tonight?

I know I'm feeling good.

Uh, this next one's called "Break On Through."

Yes.

"Break on through."

Jim, there's someone you have to meet.

Hello. I'm someone with no knowledge of music

who is somehow controlling the music industry,

and I want to make you a star.

How do I know I can trust you?

'Cause I'm not just an agent...

I'm a fan.

- Really? - Absolutely.

In fact, I'd love your autograph on the bottom of this contract,

in absence of any legal counsel.

Come on, buddy, you're embarrassing me.

They did it.

They signed the contract

that would make their cocaine dealer rich.

And then it was off to the studio

for a shirtless rehearsal.

What the hell, Jim?

You look terrible.

Are you back on the Quik?

Please, I've barely stirred today.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm ready now, all right?

I'm ready to make this college dorm room poster.

Damn it, Jim. We're here to make an album, not a poster.

Make an album?

Why didn't you say so?

Bring in the terrible, too-involved girlfriends, guys!

Jim, meet my girlfriend, Yoko O-yes.

She's beloved by everyone close to me

and prides herself on not messing with a good thing.

I'm just gonna get out of the way

and let you guys do your music.

You won't even know I'm here.

You guys want to see something?

You want to see if it's as big as they say it is?

What the hell is he doing now?

That night marked the end

of Jim Morrison's rock god status,

when he was unable to find and expose his penis

in a Florida music venue.

Like every man who can't find his penis,

Jim Morrison moved to Paris,

where he did heroin one night and drowned in a bathtub.

There was a movie about the Doors.

If you're a bunch of guys in college

wanting to make all the girls go away,

put on the movie The Doors. Poof, they're gone.

Then it's just you and your buddies.

You could've gotten laid, but you put on The Doors.

Why'd you do that?

Well, if we learned anything from Jim Morrison's tragic tale,

it's that white guys definitely invented rock and roll.

What? That's bullcrap!

Rock and roll was invented in the Mississippi Delta

by Black people.

Jerome, if Black guys invented rock and roll,

then how come everyone else in a vintage vinyl record store

is a stock photo meme white guy?

You ain't heard of the Black man who invented rock and roll

'cause he never got a movie about his life.

But I'm-a educate y'all on the greatest rocker of all time,

Delta bluesman Muddy Drawers.

Muddy grew up in a shotgun shack in the Deep South.

His family was so poor,

they lived underneath the mighty Mississippi.

They all had to share one room

and one mustache.

Well, I'm off to make something of myself with this here guitar.

Don't go chasin' no white women!

Too far away! Can't hear you!

In those days, Black people had nothing,

but they still had to wear suits everywhere.

The only instrument Muddy could afford was a one-string guitar.

That one guitar string was also the family belt.

Despite all his setbacks,

Muddy would do whatever it took to master the guitar,

even if it meant making a deal with the devil himself.

So he headed on down to the crossroads.

The Crossroads being a fancy school in Los Angeles.

Tobey Maguire's kid goes there.

You'd see him sometimes, dropping off.

Not all the time but sometimes.

Hey, Tobey!

See you at the holiday show!

Stupid fanboy.

You ain't ever getting that invite

to dinner with the Gyllenhaals.

Muddy was right.

He never got invited to dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal

or his sleepy-eyed sister,

which is probably for the best.

She looks like she chews with her mouth open.

But Muddy did get his guitar lessons.

From the devil.

Sign here and you'll be the greatest guitar player