Lopez

Let's see. We've seen "Scarface," "Traffic," and "Narcos."

Uh, you want to watch "Sicario"?

Mmm, I think I've reached my limit of Latin American drug cartels.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Come on, I love them. I think I identify with the characters.

You know, just enough to care, but not enough to, like,

start digging a tunnel in the backyard.

- Or hiding money in the walls? - Oh, no, I'm already doing that.

Ay, caramba. Here's funnyman George Lopez's house.

- Again? - Again. Every day.

Now, George recently trended on Twitter when a lady friend...

- Oh, come on. - They do this every day?

Yeah, they're here earlier this time.

I hope George is being careful

and that the Twitter feed was the only thing

that went viral, if you know what I'm saying.

Sorry, kid. You might also remember

that George passed out drunk on the floor of a casino.

Well, you would too, if you'd had ten shots of Avion.

You know what? Just ignore them.

I mean, if all my mistakes were blared from some bus...

- How you doing? I'm Steve. - Hey, Steven! What you doing, man?

Feeding the animals? I'm gonna nip this in the bud.

You know, I think the phrase is "nip it in the butt."

I... I don't think so.

- George. - No, I think it's "bud."

No, like butt of a joke.

Yeah, okay, I can't tell jokes, either.

- Oh, wait, he's coming over. - Hey, man.

Uh-oh.

This is George's place, but these sprinklers

are always on. They're always on.

They keep me up at night.

They're just... those go off and then these start, you know?

Just constant...

Like he should have a fountain.

Oh, here he comes, but not to worry.

As long as you keep your hands and feet

away from George Lopez, you'll be fine.

- Hey, how's everybody doing? - Oh, man, it's George Lopez.

Wow, this is awesome sauce, 'cause usually celebrities

are far too busy working to come out and say hi.

No, he's around a lot lately.

I should know, because I'm the commander of the neighborhood watch.

Plus, I run the local, you know, community website next door.

Is this man bothering you like he bothers me?

No.

I was just telling them that your sprinklers are always on.

It's like, in the middle of a drought, they're always on.

Look, I'm also on City Councilman Scott's

sustainability committee, so let me tell you.

What George is doing by constantly wasting water,

it's a real problem for us all who live on this planet.

Okay, well, the sprinklers are on a... on a timer.

They're usually not on this long, if you need to really know everything.

They're gonna be off in, like, two hours.

All right, well, listen. Everybody has a good rest of the tour.

Good luck tonight at that open Mic. And listen, I have a meeting

with my manager about branding. You know, branding is when you have

a certain level of success, you become a brand,

and that's what I have to go meet and talk about the brand.

The cookies look good.

For those of you obviously not from California,

what George is doing is holding a large caliber handgun

to the head of Mother Earth!

Kablam! Kablam!

Uh, all right, well, let's just get to the next house, guys.

Let's go over to Leo's house.

He's in a much better neighborhood than George.

George, this is Gabrielo Del Santo.

He is the Steve Jobs of branding,

although alive, and not dull like the movie.

- Del Santo. Is that black or Latino? - Exactly.

Gabrielo is so excited to help you broaden your audience

so that we can snag that Vegas residency.

Absolutely; let's just dive right in.

You see this guy right here? He's likeable, nonthreatening, right?

But this guy? I mean, El Chapo, "Sicario."

You know, you're a white man's worse nightmare.

I thought people liked this.

The numbers say that they absolutely do not.

Okay, let's move on to some more business.

First of all, George, I'm a huge fan. Love you work.

- Oh, thanks, Gabrielo. - You're welcome, but I'm black.

- Possibly Latino. - Exactly.

The point is, George, is that it doesn't matter if I'm a fan.

- It doesn't? - Black people and Latino people,

we're covered, all right? We're not the audience that you're after.

I love this. He tells the truth.

- We can't tell the truth. - Why not?

Because we're not black.

- Can I say that? - Yeah, yeah.

- You are not black. - Wait a minute.

I'm Latino; can I tell the truth about that?

Of course, as can I.

For example, we know that your fan base is primarily Latino.

Well, there are some white people that come to the shows too.

Yeah, like, five, but we need more to make Vegas pop.

- So we... can I say it? - Please.

- Booked you on "Ellen" next week. - Surprise, it's imperative

that we increase your presence with white females.

- And not just the ones on Tinder. - I love Ellen, but I don't want to

dance or sing or get pranked or be in a dunk tank.

I don't want to do like that. That's stupid.

- You didn't... You didn't tell him? - I didn't.

You have to do those things, and you will.

Yeah, it's imperative that white people think you're a good sport, okay?

Another imperative area is your social media.

Me and my whole squad, we've been following

that Twitter kerfuffle you've been having

with that woman, and it's great, man.

It's so good.

Yeah, it's imperative that we capitalize on that buzz.

- Imperative. - Like, what do you want me to do?

Like, have sex with somebody on my yard?

- Yes. - No, no, no, no, no.

No. Why no?

Lawn sex is an uncharted territory. You know, it's too risky.

What's up, boo boo?

It certainly didn't help Sal Mineo, right? No.

George's hookup has served its purpose,

and now it's time for him to pivot.

What's pivot? Write this down, Holly.

Pivoting is like,

if you get known for sex and alcohol, you become Lindsay Lohan, right?

- She never pivoted. - Ah, that's right, you know?

- She didn't pivot. - But think about Kim Kardashian.

One day she's getting peed on by Ray J, and the next, she's opening

her own fashion line on the runway in Paris.

I mean, that is some world-class pivoting,

and I wasn't even involved in that.

Actually, Ray J never peed on Kim Kardashian.

Did he not? I feel like I remember him getting peed on.

R. Kelly? I don't know if he...

Okay, no, yeah, you're right. I stand corrected.

The point is, is that Kim K is a champ,

and Ray J is a chump, because he didn't pivot.

Are you on board with all of this, man? Do you get it?

Yeah, I need to... I need to pivot.

- Absolutely, my man. - Great.

Get in there. Yeah, you deserve one.

Rain check. Wow, pivot. They do not teach that stuff at college.

You know, actually they do. I'm an adjunct professor at Harvard, USC,

and Full Sail University.

Ooh, okay, I see that a Starline tour goes by your house?

- Oh, man, super annoying. - Don't think of it that way.

Starline is, like, the Tiffany of bus tours.

Used correctly, they're mobile pivots, George.

- They are? - Oh, no.

Is this a video of you watering your lawn?

- Why do you even have a lawn? - Yeah, why do you have a lawn, George?

- What's wrong with having a lawn? - In California during a drought?

- It's the worst thing in the world. - It is.

Yeah, man. It's worse than being a cop.

Yeah, that's bad.

- Wow. - For real.

You can murder a guy in your lawn, but you better not water it.

Look, Holly, there's a lot I can do and basically nothing I can't do,

'cause I'm unbelievable at my job,

but rebranding a grasshole in a drought?

Come on, I'm not God.

Holly, I'll text you directions to that exclusive bowling party.

- What'd he call me? - A grasshole.

- Is that good? - Well, it can't be good,

'cause it's a compound word with "asshole."

I don't know, man. The guy called me a grasshole

- and told me the meeting was over. - What's a grasshole?

I think it's a guy with a lawn; I don't know.

Man, that's ridiculous.

Well, whatever it is, I don't want to kill my lawn.

I never had one growing up. I always wanted one.

Me either. Well, we might have had a lawn,

but there were so many cars on it, you couldn't even tell.

You know, the water being used on lawns isn't the problem.

This whole thing is racist against Latinos.

- True. - Yeah.

If gavachas started doing yard maintenance,

they'd be giving out awards for lawns.

Hey, I heard on a podcast that 96% of the water isn't used by people.

It's the corporations and agribusiness that's the problem.

That's why I stopped eating almonds.

I keep telling you. This is why we need a podcast.

We do have things to say.

- George, could you be our first guest? - No.

Hey, why don't you put one of them reclaimed water signs

on your front lawn, then keep water in it?

I can head over to Woodland and grab one off the golf course right quick.

Hey, while you're there, can you get me

- a golf cart battery? - Heck yeah.

This is great; I'm in a think tank with cholos.

Hey, that could be the name of our podcast.

- Hi, George. - Hey, Holly, what's happening?

So bad news.

Ellen does not feel comfortable having you on her show

because of your lush green lawn, so they rescinded.

Did that come from Ellen, or did that come from Ellen's people?

I don't know the answer to that question.

There are more unanswered questions in show business

than there are in religion.

What I do know is that Ellen hates water injustice.