College

(SINGING) I'm just a penny on the train track

Waiting for my judgment day

Come on, baby girl, let me see those legs

Before I get flattened away

I wait

Yeah, I wait

For something good, for something great

Stopping in somebody's old home town

Gotta get that midnight meal

If you can't get behind your own life

Get behind the driving wheel

And go, just go

Find a place that you don't know

Ran into a friend just the other night

Got a badge, he's a local cop

Haven't seen that boy in over seven years

Since out of high school I dropped

I see, I see

All the things that I should be

I wait

Yeah, I wait

For something good, for something great

Dude! You're totally missing it!

It's fucking crazy here, man! Dude! Kev.

I've got an idea. I want you to drop what you are doing.

I want you to come down here and take a picture of this for the paper!

Now that, my friend, is front page material. Lateski.

Hey, Mom! Gina, Morris and I are gonna leave

for Fieldmont right after school today.

Honey, I completely forgot about that. Can you do it next weekend?

Derek was gonna take me into the city tomorrow night for dinner.

- God! It's already 7:00? We can't.

Morris has a scholarship meeting and we're signed up for the campus tour.

- Carter. - Hi. What's up Ms. B?

Dude, she totally threw off my groove! I was almost at the top level.

- Hey, Carter. - What's up, man?

What's up, little people?

Running a little bit low.

Kev! Can I ask you a question?

You know that book that Miss Dangle makes everybody read about the mice?

- You mean Of Mice and Men? - Bingo! That's the one, yeah.

So let me get this straight.

These two dudes dream of buying a farm together to raise rabbits?

Hmm.

And I'm no expert, but doesn't that seem a little...

I don't know. Kind of G-A-Y?

Dude, I think you're kind of missing the point.

- We can spell, Carter. - Yeah, dumb A-S-S.

Dude. Satan's children, I swear. Spawn of Satan.

Right. Come on, guys! Mrs. Seavers is here. Let's go!

Grab your backpacks.

Oh, yeah!

All right, see you guys!

Would you look at this guy? Why do we have to hang out with him?

- Hey, Morris. - Hey, guys.

Hey, Morris, what's up with all the geek books?

I've got a scholarship interview in a day, Carter.

And my parents are up my ass about it.

Morris, your parents are always up your ass.

Besides, don't you want to go to some fancy-shmancy Ivy League school?

Guys, come on! Do we really have to start this early?

Well, apparently, it's not my choice, Carter.

At least Kevin will be there. Right, Kev?

Yep. Hey, did you grab your stuff so we can split right after school today?

Yeah. It's in my...

Yeah, the technique was a little off, but the timing was better.

And by the way, she's easy,

but not in the, like, I'm-gonna-fuck-Morris kind of way easy.

Come on, Kev, I've got to pee. I need you to shake it.

Carter.

You sure you don't wanna come with us this weekend, man?

What? There's no reason for him to come.

You know what, Morris? I think, for the first time, you and I are on the same page.

I don't know. Campus tours and scholarship interviews,

sounds like a real blastie-blast.

But I think I'd rather sock myself in the nuts.

I mean, seriously, look at this thing.

Like, where are all the hotties, you know? Show some skin.

- Hey. - Hey!

- Hey, Gina. - Hey, Gina.

Kevin, really, just... Listen, don't take this the wrong way.

But I need to talk to your friend outside, alone.

Nice! Does that mean you're gonna

blow him underneath the bleachers?

Yeah. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Awesome! You kids have fun! High five!

I got my high five, dude.

Does he give you a high five like that?

See you...

Here's your brochure, though. Have a good weekend.

Miami?

- When did you apply there? - A couple months ago.

What about us?

I mean, what about our plans to go to Fieldmont together?

And the campus tour this weekend?

Just go without me.

Look, it's senior year.

It's, like, so exciting, and I wanna party, and I wanna have fun.

And you're, like, not fun.

Like, so what? So I don't drink very much, you know. We still have fun.

Like our Friday nights at mini golf.

Yeah, they're kind of boring.

Our camping trips, the school carnival, studying together?

Standing around while you're taking pictures of everything?

- Thrilling! - Gina...

When we were freshmen, it was one thing.

But this is our time to really go crazy! We're supposed to be partying.

And you, you're just... You're a loser!

Kevin, it's over.

College is just around the corner, and I can't let you ruin my senior year.

That's mine.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You didn't get blown under the bleachers?

No! Dude, have you been listening to me? She dumped me!

I was dumped once.

Morris, you're such a fucking liar, dude.

- You've never even had a girlfriend. - Shut up, Carter. Yes, I did.

Remember, Kev? You introduced me to her.

- Right. She was real.

- We went to physics camp together. - Maybe more like fantasy camp.

Come on, you guys. Do you mind? I'm having a breakdown here.

What am I supposed to do now?

It was all set. First, we'd go to college together,

and then we'd get married, have a couple kids, one girl, one boy.

Dude, is that the kind of shit you would say to Gina?

God! No wonder she dumped your ass. You're fucking lame.

- What's up, fellows? - What's up, Fletcher?

What's up with Negative Nancy over here?

Gina dumped him. He's having a breakdown.

Cool. So are you guys going on some sort of road trip to Fieldmont this weekend?

- I don't think I'm going anymore. - That's too bad.

I just went there last weekend to visit my bro.

I almost didn't make it back.

"Almost didn't make it back"? Dude, it's just college.

Yeah, yeah, just college. Yeah, see, that's what I thought, too.

And then I went, and I'm telling you guys right now,

it is fucking nuts, man. It's retarded.

Why? What happened?

You guys want to know?

Basically, this is how it went down.

I didn't sleep for three days, okay?

I don't have any money left in my bank account.

I maxed out my parents' credit card,

which was only supposed to be used in case of an emergency.

I lost my cell phone, which is actually my dad's cell phone.

So he's pissed about that and the credit card.

I tried smoking a tampon, which I thought was a big fat joint.

Still got high. Stole a car, got in a bar fight, ate some goldfish.

Played naked Frisbee, did some whip-its, wet my brother's bed twice.

Shit my pants, once,

but please don't tell anyone, 'cause I'm kind of embarrassed about that.

Saw two girls make out. With tongue! With tongue!

Watched my brother's roommates eat as many cheeseburgers as they could

until one of them puked.

Found a tattoo on my lower back of a unicorn.

Don't remember getting that.

Figure I'll just tell people it's some sort of killer unicorn.

You know? So it doesn't seem so gay.

I laughed. I cried. Fell in love.

Yeah, and did I mention earlier that I got laid?

Three times. Different girls, yeah.

So all in all, I'd say it was pretty much the best weekend of my fucking life.

Yeah.

Dude, you should go.

What if I could have a weekend like that, a weekend like Fletcher's?

How? No way. Who knows if he's even telling the truth?

Come on, man. What if he was? You heard him.

All the craziness, the partying, the sex, the drinking, it sounds incredible.

You know, maybe I'll even get a tattoo.

Wait, you're joking, right?

You got me, Kev. That's a good one. Partying, drinking, sex. Up top.

I'm not kidding, Morris. You know, maybe Gina's right, I'm no fun.

A weekend like Fletcher's is exactly what I need.

Kev, having some crazy weekend to get back at Gina is a really bad idea.

Or a really good idea, and I say go for it.

Bitch.

You know what? I'm gonna go for it.

In fact, I'm gonna have a better weekend than Fletcher.

Yes!

Dude, I am so going.

(SINGING) I gotta move

While the streets ahead are sunny

Fall in love with some honey Oh, mama

I gotta move

It's time I broke out into the open

You know I'll settle down again some day

Dude, this is definitely better than the brochure!

Yeah, man, I've got a good feeling about this.

Good feeling? What kind of good feeling?

Like your-boy-Carter's-gonna-get-laid kind of feeling?

'Cause I have that feeling too, and I love it!

I don't know, man, just everything. I'm ready to have fun.

Yeah, man, good! Positive vibes. Positive vibes.

Okay, Kev, it says here that the campus tour is at 12:30 tomorrow afternoon.

And there's a pre-frosh reception tonight before dinner in the main...

Okay, that's enough! That is enough. No more.

That's our schedule for the weekend!

Dude, Morris, fuck schedules, man! We're in college now.

You know what that means?

No parents! No curfew! Free fucking beer!