Happiest Season

...so surprised when he saw all those presents

under the Christmas tree, and she was one of them.

Now, this house was originally owned by Herbert Flackshaw,

who started this tradition on Candy Cane Lane.

He even hired his nephew Otis to play Santa Claus for many years,

until he was arrested for child endangerment in 1992.

Ooh, you guys got to look at this house.

This house is the site...

Are you having fun?

Are you having fun?

- Yes, I think this is cute.

It is. Yeah.

Oh, God, you hate it.

- No, I don't hate it.

Baby, I'm just not a huge Christmas person.

I know, I know, but...

how can you not like the lights and the decorations

and the Christmas trees?

- Fun fact: did you know that Christmas trees are responsible

for an annual average of four deaths,

15 injuries

and a loss of $12 million?

- Okay, I get it.

I think you made your point. -

Thank you for trying to get me to like Christmas.

I love that you love it.

I'm just so content taking care of other people's pets

when they're away for the holiday-- -

Come with me.

Wait, where are we going?

Do you know these people?

What are you doing? - No. Come here.

- Still not clear on the plan.

Will you shut up and follow me, please?

Come on.

Well, does this do anything for you?

This is beautiful.

I hate that you're gonna be alone on Christmas.

I'm gonna miss you.

Hey, I'm gonna miss you, too.

We could just stay up here.

- I'd do that. -

Hey! I hear you up there.

I'm calling the police. -

- Um... -

- Abby? Harper!

- Oh, my God.

Are you okay? - Um...

I don't know. Uh, what do I do?

Stay there. I'm gonna get you down.

Okay. Yeah.

- Shit. - Uh...

Oh.

What are you doing out there?

- Harper! Are you peeping?

Don't you peep at me.

Oh, God!

Abby?

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm so great.

Here, here. Yeah, yeah, come on.

We got to go. Come on.

She's coming. Go. Run. - Oh. Hey.

Yeah, you better run.

Pervert. -

Who said you could come downstairs?

Giddyap.

Come with me.

Where?

To my parents' house for Christmas.

Oh, really?

I've got the pets to sit.

- Oh, my God, get someone to cover for you.

I want to...

wake up with you on Christmas morning.

And if that doesn't convince you to love Christmas,

I'll never bring it up again.

Deal.

Yeah. - Mm.

Hi.

Hey.

Sit down.

What's going on in here?

- I just woke up thinking about going home with you and got...

very excited about Christmas.

- Oh... baby, you don't-- You don't have to come with me.

- Well, I want to. No.

No, no, no, no, I--

I feel like I really put you on the spot last night,

and I understand how you feel about Christmas

because you lost your parents, and you just don't have--

No, no, no, I-I genuinely want to go.

Uh-huh.

- I get to go meet the people that made my favorite person.

Okay.

But who's gonna look after all those pets?

John's gonna cover for me.

I know why you're worried.

But don't be.

I'm all in on Christmas.

Hmm? - Good.

Yeah.

So, for the cat, you can go every other day,

but the dog and the fish need to be seen morning and night.

- Mm-hmm. Okay. - Oh, and the apartment on Butler

has this weird lock, so if you jiggle it,

it will lock, but you have to make sure that you do that.

- Yes. - What are you doing on your phone?

- I'm sorry, I left a gentleman alone in my apartment,

so I'm tracking him to make sure he leaves.

- You're tracking him? - Yeah. I track everybody.

If the NSA can do it, so can I.

And he's gone. Sorry, what were you saying?

I wrote it all down.

They're really specific directions,

but if you need anything, you can obviously call me.

Abigail, don't worry.

I'm responsible for the careers of dozens of authors.

I am more than capable of taking care of a few pets for two days.

It's... it's five days.

Five days. That's what I said.

Refill? - Hi.

And I sort of think I made the right decision, but at the same time--

What is Ultrasuede?

- Ultrasuede is, like, a water-resistant fabric.

Hello.

What are we doing here?

Hi. Can I help you?

- Yeah, I'm picking up. My name's Abby Holland.

- Oh, yes, of course. Um, just wait right here.

I'll be right back. Oh, enjoy some champagne.

Oh.

Thank you.

I love champagne.

Here we are.

May I? - Yeah, of course. Thanks.

There it is.

No.

Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship.

Why do you want to ruin that

by engaging in one of the most archaic institutions

in the history of the human race?

Because I want to marry her.

- Okay, you say that, but what you're actually doing

is tricking the woman you claim to love

by trapping her in a box of heteronormativity

and trying to make her your property.

She is not a rice cooker or a cake plate.

She's a human being.

No, it's not about owning her.

It's about building a life with her.

She is my person, and I really want everyone to know that.

- I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

So, when are you gonna ask her?

- I was thinking of doing it on New Year's,

but now that I'm going home with her...

I understand this is very old-fashioned,

but I'm probably gonna ask her dad for his blessing

and propose on Christmas morning.

- I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing?

Way to stick it to the patriarchy.

Really well done.

God, I'm so excited.

I can't believe I'm finally gonna meet everyone.

I mean, I haven't had a family Christmas in ten years.

Also, a fact you don't know about me:

I am actually very good with parents.

- Okay, there's something that we should talk about

before we get to my parents' house.

What is it?

Do you remember this summer

when I came out to my parents and told them we were together

and they took it really well?

Yeah.

- Okay, well, that wasn't entirely accurate.

They didn't take it well?

No. No, no.