M*A*S*H

Major, you have the hands of a concert violinist.

He could've been a surgeon.

I'm running the show, Captain.

You're just the anesthetist today.

I know. It's your band, and I'm just a boy singer.

Shh!

And now stepping mike‐side,

the lovely Hawkeye Pierce

to sing the very haunting "Star Spangled Banner."

Officer? Labbi Forbris?

Keep walking, Margaret. Keep walking.

Please! Labbi Forbris.

‐Frank! ‐No, no, just keep walking.

She probably wants to sell the baby. You know how they are.

‐Just a second. ‐Lookee, missee.

Me sabe and meme sabe very busy workie hard all night.

Chow time?

‐Major? ‐Maybe we should talk to her for a second.

That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.

Oh, Frank, I just want to tell you

what a great job you did this morning.

Skillful technique, O. R. efficiency unparalleled.

‐A superior team effort. ‐Thank you very much, Captain.

Now if you could just get this back in.

‐Hello, Trapper. ‐Hello, Father.

‐Hello, Hawkeye. ‐Hello, Father.

‐Hello, Don. ‐Hello, Phil.

‐Hello, Mary. ‐Hello, Rochester.

Hello, Mr. Benny.

How can you give thanks for food this bad?

Just being grateful for my daily bread.

My daily bread's four days old.

Mail call. Father.

Ah, it's from my sister, the sister.

‐Maria Angelica. ‐I thought her name was Kathy.

Maria Angelica's the name she took as a nun.

‐Her married name. ‐HAWKEYE: No mail for me?

A cancelled subscription? A lawyer letter?

An apology from my draft board?

It was all a terrible mistake? Something?

This one's marked, "Occupant, MASH 4077th."

Sold.

I'll enjoy this after the afternoon prayer.

‐Who's yours from, Trap? ‐My five year old.

Or my wife has started writing in crayon.

‐What's that? ‐A picture of a barnyard.

If you can find the faces of ten

United States presidents in this picture

you can be the proud owner of a Shetland pony.

Hey, terrific. I see one already right there.

Coolidge. Right near the horse's tail.

That's one.

There's Teddy Roosevelt in the tree.

Bully, bully!

You trying to muscle in on our pony, Father?

Your films came, sir, from the Tabasco Film Company, Havana, Cuba.

Tee‐riff!

Great. Great.

"Yvonne, Renee and Loretta in What the Parrot Saw. "

‐What's the other one say, sir? ‐Oh, uh...

"Renee, Loretta and the Parrot in What Yvonne Saw. "

Uh, sir, could I watch the films with you this time

with Captain McIntyre and Pierce?

Ah, Radar, you'd be bored to death.

I mean, it's, uh, it's all medical stuff.

Uh‐huh. Here's a letter from your wife.

‐Oh, thank you, Radar. ‐You're welcome.

Forbris, Forbris.

There was a Lieutenant Forbes. Tall, thin guy.

Only dermatologist I ever knew with pimples.

‐Maybe she's looking for Captain Forrest. ‐Who?

The brain surgeon who fell down a lot.

No, no. He's been gone over two years.

He's got a toy store now.

Read, please.

What?

"Labbi Forbris" is "rabbi for Bris."

Yes. Yes.

Sang Min.

She's married to Walter R. Jacobson, Corporal.

0390‐118010.

This is their son, Sang Min Jacobson

who's too young to have a number yet.

"The father, busy at the front,

is requesting that a circumcision be performed

with a traditional Jewish ceremony, which is known as a Bris."

I'll do the circumcision

but you're gonna have to get a Jewish chaplain to lay on the prayers.

Can Father Mulcahy do Jewish?

Only if he can read Latin from right to left.

Why don't you talk to the father.

He's right inside. He's got a black shirt, white collar.

Cross around the neck.

Oh, a padre.

Si.

We certainly don't get a lot of those cases.

I don't remember a single soldier coming through here in diapers before.

Hey, doc, run to the Motor Pool. I'll throw you a long one.

‐Arm like a rifle. ‐Hall of Famer.

I bet they retire your smock.

Guys, did I get a letter from my wife!

Oh, man! Fantastic!

We're happy for you. Did the movies come?

Yeah. "What the Parrot Saw."

Oh, I love animal films.

What time is the screening?

Midnight in the generator shed.

But never mind! I've got to tell you about Lorraine's letter.

‐Millard Fillmore. ‐Hey, great!

Who?

We're gonna take your picture on a pony,

Henry, so you can send it home to your wife.

What pony? Look, will you read this letter?

What a woman!

I bet there isn't a guy out here

in this godforsaken toilet with trees

that's got his wife's permission to horse around.

‐"Dear Henry." ‐We read it, Henry.

"I know, darling, what you're going through,

the hardships, loneliness,

living in tents like animals."

‐I didn't know animals lived in tents. ‐Neither did I.

"So if it should happen that you meet another woman‐‐"

"So if it should happen that you meet another woman,

someone who is kind, I would certainly understand, my darling."

‐Can you believe her? ‐I'm still having trouble believing you.

‐Henry, that's great. ‐Yeah.

Hey, you guys said something about taking a picture.

Could we do it now? I'd like to send it to her.

We don't have the pony yet.

Oh, okay.

‐Prince. ‐Lightning.

‐Norman. ‐Buck.

Norman's a great name for a pony.

The other horses'll make fun of him.

Yeah. And he'll probably have to wear glasses.

Well, there's Captain Epstein.

He's a very fine Jewish chaplain.

We went through indoctrination together.

Lovely fellow, Eppy.

Water‐skier, paratrooper.

A bit meshuga, actually.

‐(mouthing words) ‐He's with the 109th.

However, he's not Orthodox. He's Conservative.

Oh, I don't think she'd want anything flashy.

If you can't get Captain Epstein, try the Navy, Marines.

Let's get this little fellow taken care of.

It's a lovely boy.

Did I remember to give you that letter from your sister?

Yes, yes. I was about to read it.

Please, don't be worried about the circumcision.

Some of my best friends have had one.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

Fragment at L‐3, one centimeter.

L‐3.

Compression fracture, L‐4, lesions and trauma.

Finished.

Good.

Margaret, that O. D. T‐shirt makes me crazy.

I wanted to bite you in the chow line.

I didn't see anything. You seen anything, Trap?

I didn't see a thing.

We were simply checking spines.

Did you find out you each had one?

Would you make up 50 of these for me?

I don't know which one of you is more obscene.

He is. We took a poll.

What are you doing?

Is that James Buchanan under the haystack?

Now what would a president be doing under a haystack?

What am I doing in South Korea without a paddle?

What's this I hear about you

performing a "cirky" on an infant?

‐That's elective surgery. ‐Against regulations.

So is groping in the x‐ray room without leather aprons.

The mother and the child happen to be dependents of an American soldier.

Isn't that John Quincy Adams?

That dependent card and letter could be forgeries.

Sounds like one of their rackets to me.

Right. She gets rich taking her baby

around to hospitals getting him circumcised.

Come on, Major.

Going to do more research?

Pace yourself, kids. It might be a long war.

Right there. That big red apple.

Ulysses S. Grant's nose.

Hey, you guys think my wife could have a guilty conscience?

What are you talking about? Where'd you get an idea like that?

‐I saw that. ‐Read between the lines.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

He's right, Henry.

‐That's exactly what it says. ‐Uh‐huh, uh‐huh.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐HENRY: Why? Why?

The country club.

That's what it is. That country club.

‐Right. ‐A thousand dollars to join, 150 a month green fees.

‐For what? ‐What?

Heartbreak, that's what. Nothing but heartbreak.

Say good morning to the pro,