Michael Yo: Blasian

All right, guys.

-Are you ready? -Let's do it.

Check one, check two.

Is it on yet? It is?

This should look good now.

Hey, Mike. It's Joe... Koy.

Yeah. It's your night.

Or should I say our night, since I'm opening for you.

Remember when you used to open for me

and you only had two minutes?

Michael Yo cut the budget

when it came to producing my segment.

That's an iPhone that I'm looking into.

And this is just some kind of karaoke mic

that my mom uses. Isn't that great?

But anything for Michael Yo.

So, look. Thank you guys for coming.

We're about to crush this show 'cause Michael Yo

is backstage and ready.

So ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my friend,

and make some noise for Michael Yo!

What?!

What's up?

That's what I'm talking about! Sit down, sit down, man!

My God! I feel so good. Thank you so much, man.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about!

My goodness, man. My boy Joe Koy,

he said, "You got your first special.

Where you gonna shoot it at? New York? Miami?

San Francisco?" I was like, "Nah.

Glendale."

Armenian capitol of the world!

Why wouldn't I shoot it here, though?

I mean, look at this room. Look at all this diversity

in this room. Why wouldn't I shoot it here, man?

That's right.

I gotta tell you, it ain't like this everywhere.

I was in Wyoming last week.

I was the diversity in Wyoming.

I was onstage, they were like,

"I didn't know Tiger Woods did comedy!"

Yeah, I mean, look at it. We got black folks here.

I'm...

I'm sorry I just pointed you out like that.

That was kind of messed up.

-What's your name, man? -James.

James. All right, man. I like that.

James in the... We got Asian people here.

I love Asian people, man. I love 'em.

I love the way they yell. They yell the exact same way

no matter where I go.

It's like,"

We come for you!"

But I gotta tell you my favorite ethnicity.

And I love these folks.

They got so much passion.

I'm talking about Latinos, man.

You just dance for no reason.

I was at McDonald's, I saw one just like...

Okay, you go ahead.

I love Latinos, man. You just say the word "Latinos,"

they'll go nuts. Watch this, James.

Latinos!

That's how they got caught crossing the border.

Donald Trump is at the wall, "Latinos!"

They're like, "Whoo!

Puto,we did it again!"

Nah, man.

Looking at the crowd, I see the 20-year-olds in the crowd.

Yeah, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

No, you don't need to yell. You don't need to yell.

I can see it in your eyes. You know what I mean?

You got this thing called life, you know what I mean?

I can see it! I'm just jealous, man.

Once you get over 35, you get jealous of people

in their twenties, you know what I mean?

You know, just jealous, that's it.

'Cause you do things that I just don't understand anymore.

Like, to me... this is your first stop tonight.

You haven't even had dinner yet.

For all the people 35 and up...

No, no, no. Shh!

Shh!

Conserve your energy.

This is your last stop tonight.

That's right, that's right. When you get old like us,

you gotta do the sleep math, right?

You know what the sleep math is.

You did it before you came out tonight. Don't lie.

You're like, "All right, this show gonna start at 7:00

and be over around 9:00.

I'll be home around 9:30, be sleeping by 10:00

My kids wake up at 6:00, that's eight hours of sleep.

Hell yeah, let's do this!"

Here's the thing. If you're in your twenties,

if you're in your twenties, enjoy it.

'Cause once it's gone, it's gone.

Here's what's great about you.

Like all the people in your twenties,

you can go to sleep tonight,

wake up in the morning, open your eyes,

and just jump out of bed and go.

No problem!

For all the people like us,

all the older people,

you ever go to bed feeling fine...

and then when you wake up

it feels like somebody beat the shit out of you?

Man, who is beating us up in our sleep?

How do you get sore not moving?

I don't understand it, people.

I'm falling apart.

I'm falling apart. Like, my left knee is messed up right now.

You know how I hurt it? Walking across the street.

I was walking across the street, my knee said, "Screw it!

I'm out, peace!" I'm like, "Goddamn!"

I'm trying to be a man, though. I'm trying to be a man.

I'm trying to go to the weight room.

But you know what I'm on right now? The elliptical.

You hear the women laugh at that?

Nothing takes your man card away like an elliptical.

You know where they put the ellipticals?

Behind the treadmills.

So you can watch real athletes run.

I think I look cool on this thing

till I see my ass in the mirror like this.

I'm a bitch, that's what I'm saying.

I hate getting older, man. I hate it.

'Cause I'm starting to say things my parents

used to tell me.

You catch yourself saying those things

that your parents said to you.

Like if a person this morning was like, "Hey, how you doing?"

I was like, "Any day you wake up it's a great day."

Like, I'm hating music today.

We grew up with Tupac, Biggie, Tribe Called Quest.

Thank you!

Real lyricists.

I don't know what rappers are saying today.

I have no idea.

Half of the rappers sound like they just woke up from a nap.

You know what I mean? They're like...

Why are you rapping on Ambien, Fetty Wap? What's going on?

Or all these rappers just make sound effects.

They just make sound effects. Like Cardi B.

You heard her? She's just like...

What do you got, Tourette's, girl? What's wrong with you?

But one thing that really makes me mad,

and it makes me angry, is breakup music today.

What happened to breakup music?

It used to be so good.

It used to be so good.

You know how I know breakup music is awful today?

People are dancing to breakup songs.

People are dancing and don't even know they broke up, people.

That's what I'm saying.

Man, it's terrible. They're fun and poppy today.

Like raise your hand if you like Taylor Swift...

so I can punch you in the throat.

That's not real breakup music, man!

Breakup music supposed to make you feel just miserable.

You know what I mean? It's supposed to make you

go to your room and just cry,

reevaluate your life, you know what I mean?

Like a girl broke my heart in high school.

You know what I threw on? Boyz II Men.

Right?

"End of the Road."

After the first lyrics of that song,

I was like...

"We do belong together."

Our music had passion.

You know, real breakup music had passion back in the day.

And it empowered women.

Today, your artists don't empower you.

And dudes gotta be scared of the artist a little bit.

You know what I mean? Like, no dude in here

is scared of Taylor Swift.

Or Adele.

But let me tell you something about the women in the '90s.

They empowered women. That's right.

They empowered women. You had groups like TLC.

Try being a shady dude hitting on a woman in the '90s.

She be like, ". You a scrub! You a scrub!

Get your scrub hands off of me!"

You had Mary J. Blige.

Toni Braxton.

En Vogue made a song called "Never Gonna Get It."

These women were telling you you were never gonna get it!

You can't dance to that breakup song.

The whole time the girl's finger is in your face, like,

Can't have it. Can't have it."

Dude's dancing with her like, "Goddamn, that's fucked up."

But let me tell you something.

There was one woman in the '90s

that scared, petrified every man.

That's right. She didn't make breakup songs,

she made breakup revenge songs.

Her name was Alanis Morissette. Right, ladies?

Alanis Morissette did not play games, ladies.