The League

Mmm! Mmm!

No?

Just, let's not... No, Baby Jeffery, not... No, no, Baby Jeffery, sorry.

Sorry.

So sorry.

Ow...

Good arm.

Hey, Ashley, it's Ruxin calling you for a third time.

Um, wondering if you are going to show up here, because I am

dealing with a child who I'm paying you to deal with while Sofia's away.

Baby Jeffery, no, please stop.

Okay, uh, please call me back.

Okay? Bye.

Thank you.

Um, hey, Dom?

Quick question.

Would you watch him?

I've got to go take a number one.

No.

No, absolutely not.

Okay, um, yeah.

Baby Jeffery, everything in a public restroom is on fire.

No, you can't...

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Remember, someone walks in while you're peeing, no eye contact, okay?

Oh, God, no.

Baby Jeffery!

Don't put that in your mouth!

No, no, no.

No water cookies!

No, oh.

Baby Jeffery, forever unclean.

Oh, God, you're disgusting.

I'm going to fire that au pair.

Where was my au pair, Pete?

We were at a concert.

You know, I don't pay her to service you.

I pay her to service Baby Jeffery.

Who is now forever unclean.

Let me tell you this, I will legally take care of him,

because it is my duty, but I will never love him the same.

This is the best.

This is like a thousand Christmases rubbing up against my balls.

Look, I get it.

You're with a younger woman.

To a 21-year-old, you have a good job, but, please stop

putting your STD-ridden corncob in my help.

I have not once slept with your gardener.

I have dipped a couple of times into the nanny pool.

It's like he's dating Anna Nicole Smith, but clean.

And she's dating that rich Texas oil guy, but poor.

Exactly.

Do you realize what this has done to me?

I had to go to a restaurant with Baby Jeffery, and I had to hold

him over my head, and I ended up peeing all over my legs.

I walked out of that restaurant looking like I had had a stroke.

Why were you holding him over your head?

That's bad parenting.

'Cause he was eating the ice cubes out of the urinal.

Water cookies!

That's why you should carry a pee bib.

Excuse me?

What's a pee bib?

Carry around a spare napkin, all the time.

Whenever I have to pee, I tuck it into my fly, under my Johnson

and-- ta-da-- no pee stains.

So, it's like a piss-kerchief?

A dick dickie.

No, it's a pee bib.

Look, try it out.

I have a million.

Keep it.

Taco, you asshole, these are the cocktail napkins from my wedding.

I celebrate your union every time I urinate.

Chill out.

Your wedding's over.

Let the guy piss on your napkins.

Worked pretty good.

What is that?

No! No!

What are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here yet.

It's too early.

Damn it!

Aw.

Are you okay?

You look like you saw a ghost.

Sort of.

I just found a white pube!

Oh.

Just one?

Uh, I don't, I don't know.

I haven't looked at all of them yet.

I think so.

Why?

Um, it's totally natural.

It's very distinguished.

No, George Clooney's distinguished.

Old grandpa crotch is foul.

It's a rite of passage?

I don't... Oh, God, my crotch is getting so old.

It hasn't even lived yet.

Thank you, kind sir.

You flatter me.

I appreciate that.

Please, please, you can't tell anybody about this.

You know, women dye their hair.

You could easily just... No, no, no.

I'm not dyeing anything.

What is this?

This is, uh, oh, Taco... Oh!

...found napkins from our wedding.

It's from our wedding.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

What-what's all over it?

Oh, that's my pee.

I urinated on it.

I'm using it as a pee bib.

It's just a bib that protects my pants.

You'll be happy in the long run.

So, do you not want me to put it back in the scrapbook?

I think we are safe.

Thank you for giving me a break from the wrath of Ruxin.

Oh, please.

He's one of my best friends.

He's a terrible person.

Want to come inside and drink some of Ruxin's beers?

I think I hear him.

Go on.

I'll see you soon.

Let's see, Ashley.

What can we use to fire you?

Oh, should have shaken more.

Hey, Ruxin, I was thinking... Oh!

Whoa!

Oh, oh, my God!

No, no, no!

Whoa!

Mr. Ruxin, you disgusting pig!

Were you jerking off to a picture of me?

I'm not a disgusting pig.

I peed on myself.

Okay, R. Kelly, this is absolutely terrifying.

So, you're going to quit?

No, I'm not going to quit.

How am I going to hold this over your head if I quit?

I'm going to stay here, paid, and use your house like a hotel.

And I'm going to reflect, and really heal from what I just saw.

I'm in so much pain.

Oh, please.

It's not the first time you've seen a guy jerking off in front

of you, which I didn't do.

I would be happy to tell your wife about this.

Don't tell my wife.

I'm going to tell Sofia.

You wouldn't.

Watch me.

It sounds like a poop cry.

You should go take care of it.

I'm going to grab a beer.

Fine, I like changing diapers.

I fed him turkey chili for lunch.

Oh, that crib is going to be a war zone.

I mean, this girl, she sucks at her job and now I could be

sued for sexual harassment, and I can't fire her and I'm

not even the one who's screwing her!

Well, speaking as the one who is, it's pretty fantastic, actually.

Oh, really?

Au pair!

Au pair!

Au pair!

You guys are straight-up ruining it.

There's one confusing element, though.

She has been saying that she wants to "golden gate" with me.

Are you guys aware of this term?

Golden gate?

Golden gate?

Golden gate.

Golden gate, I'm assuming that's somehow pee-related.

No, no, no.

I think it's when you have sex really early in the morning,

and then right in the middle of it, you jump off and commit suicide.

No, I think that's called "having sex with Andre."

That happened one time, and it was a week later.

I think it's code for anal.

Oh, no, we don't use code words for that.

Oh! In my house?

Once... Oh, God.

...and a half.

My child sleeps there, Pete.

Well, not in your bed.

All right, that's it.

You have to ask her to quit.

Ruxin, I don't want to date someone who's unemployed.

Fine.

Well, if I can't fire her, then I'm going to make her quit.

Speaking of unemployed, do you believe Carson Palmer is still in his prime?

What's this guy thinking?