Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey Jake, can I show you something over here?

Sure thing, bud.

I'm trying to send Genevieve a sexy pic.

Does this make my bubble butt pop?

Nope. I'm out.

- Who's that? - I don't know.

Um, excuse me, pal. Think you're at my desk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Drop it! Drop the weapon!

Don't be a dum-dum.

Squad, meet Detective Adrian Pimento.

He's been deep undercover for the last 12 years,

but he's just resurfaced, and he's rejoining the Nine-Nine.

That... is...

awesome!

Some of you just met Detective Pimento,

and, of course, some of you knew him before he went undercover.

Hitchcock and Scully. Ha. You guys still work here?

The only way they're getting rid of us is in a body bag.

It actually happened once, but it was a false alarm.

Detective Pimento will be returning to his old desk.

Peralta will temporarily be moved to the break room.

Questions?

What'd you do undercover?

I worked for Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis.

That is an A-list mobster. Tell me literally everything.

Everyone, shut up!

Pretty much just a bagman for him.

I mean, I did some other stuff.

Um, we usually try to tell funnier little stories.

Well, there's nothing funny about what I did

for The Butcher.

I've had to learn not to blink,

because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror.

Ooh, dark.

But how do you keep your eyes moist?

Actually, I have

a very funny story about keeping my eyes moist.

Come on...

Nope.

Still not getting that vibe, man.

- Really? - Mm-mm.

I'll get there. That's my bad, everybody.

Dismissed.

Sir, can I partner with Pimento on my B&E?

That guy is awesome.

He's like a real life Donnie Brasco.

Isn't Donnie Brasco a really sad movie that ends terribly?

Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket,

and he's always down at the docks.

I'm not sure I want you working with Pimento.

He's a little unstable.

Machine!

Psychologically, this could be a very difficult transition.

Yeah, I know, I went undercover.

63 days, no big deal. You probably forgot.

No, it's your outgoing voice mail message.

Hey, it's Jake.

Can't get to the phone right now.

I might be undercover again, like I was for 63 days.

Bye!

Look, I know what he's going through.

Let me be the man that brings him in from the cold.

All right, he can work the B&E with you.

Just make sure you take it easy.

Uh, sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today.

I don't think you need to tell me about taking it easy.

Are you bragging about being a bad employee?

No.

Dismissed? Me?

I figured out the best way

to welcome Pimento to the Nine-Nine.

Stay out of his way, maybe buy him a drink,

not do anything weird?

I'm making him a goat stew.

Huh... all right.

Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish

is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed

it can no longer stand.

That's the dream.

Everything is authentic.

I even ordered the pressure cooker

from Turkmenistan.

So you're on a terrorist watch list now?

Oh, yeah, Homeland Security's been in my house, yep.

Now, this just needs to cook for another 11 hours, 32 minutes,

and 6...

What the hell, Boyle! You almost killed me!

I'm not going out in a stew-making accident!

Terry's gonna die saving the President,

or Terry's never gonna die!

There's no way we can clean this up by ourselves.

We're gonna need help.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What are you saying?

You know what she's saying, man.

Oh, no.

Mean Marge.

So we're supposed to come running to clean up your mess

every time you snap your fat little fingers?

Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap my fingers,

they're always too wet.

And I just thought, since it's your job...

Oh, I see.

You cops think you're too good to clean up after yourselves?

Uh... no, I can do it myself, I'll just...

That's union work!

How dare you try to steal our jobs.

So where do we go from here?

Well, you know the old saying,

"The only way to unclog a toilet is to let it sit."

You're a janitor. You should know that's not true.

Boys, take out the trash.

Oh, great! So you will do it?

Oh! I'm the trash, I get it.

Okay, that makes more sense with your tone.

Oops! Oh... Love you, Marge.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I have a special project for you.

Okay, but I'll have you know right now

I only fly first class.

I'm not flying you anywhere.

I made an application to the M.C. Guffin Foundation

for a grant to upgrade our office equipment.

Unfortunately, they require a video submission.

I understand you have some filmmaking experience.

Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian,

so, yeah, I'm a director.

Here's what I'm picturing:

I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup.

Rosa's dressed like a porcupine...

Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple,

straightforward tour of the precinct

featuring Detective Diaz and me.

Are you sure?

You're not our most dynamic screen presences.

I can be dynamic.

Exclamation point.

Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry

- where we finish each other's... - Sentences.

Please, don't interrupt me.

That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Hey, hey, Pimento.

Hey!

This is my desk, okay?

Okay, well, now that that's out of the way,

I was just coming to let you know we're gonna work

a B&E together; we're gonna be partners.

Nope. I work alone.

Plus, The Butcher says he has spies in the NYPD,

so I trust none of these dildos.

Listen, you can trust me.

- I'm, like, obsessed with you. - Fine.

Tell me something you've never told another living soul.

Um...

Ooh, here's one.

I'm actually not strong enough to lift a water cooler jug,

so I always find a way to make Terry do it.

Here's mine.

Jimmy "The Butcher" made me drive a croquet wicket

through a guy's eyes into his brain.

Brain leaked out his eyes like he was crying his own mind.

My goodness.

Now that I've heard yours,

I feel like my water cooler thing

could have been a little more juicy, but...

No. That was embarrassing for you.

A bond has been made.

Feels good to trust again, brother.

Wow, either you are a cyborg

or you're carrying so many weapons in this jacket.

Hey. Kitchen, now.

Okay.

What's up?

Something's not right about that guy.

Why, just because he keeps threatening to kill me

in the middle of a police precinct? Uh, grow up.

Because I'm physically attracted to him.

And that's bad?

I'm only attracted to creeps: the Vulture, the ShamWow guy,

and when I was a kid,

I had a major crush on the evil Gremlin.

Stripe? Are you crazy?

Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.

- I would. - Careful with Pimento.

It's gonna be fine.

Hey, partner.

- Oh! - I've been waiting for you.

Sorry if I surprised you.

It's just when I was undercover, the middle of the night

was the only time I could do actual police work.

Uh, how'd you get in the apartment?

Oh, it was easy.

I just seduced the old lady upstairs,

came down the fire escape, jimmied the window open.

Bing-bang-boom, I'm inside your living quarters.

Totally.

Course, next time you could just give me a call, you know.

Two ways to pop in on a friend.

I didn't kill the old lady upstairs,