M*A*S*H

(pan banging, man shouting in Korean)

You tell Mr. Yee to vamoose.

This is an army hospital, not Macy's.

Colonel say Mr. Yee gotta go.

Nice translation, Radar.

Thank you, sir.

‐How much for the lighter? ‐Ask him how much for the lighter?

Uh, five dollar for lighter.

Four dollar if Mr. Yee can stay

for "going out of business sale."

Make it three dollars and he can stay for another hour.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Yee.

Come along, Radar.

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's a spirit post, sir.

Locals put it here to drive away evil spirits.

Get it off the road. It's blocking traffic.

‐Me? ‐Yes, you.

You don't put any stock in any of those things, do you?

Uh, no, I... but, uh...

All right.

Help that man up there!

I knew it. I knew it!

Oh, come on, Frank. That stuff kills through the nose.

‐Tough tiddlywinks. ‐What is that poison?

‐Eau de swamp gas. ‐Watch it! That was a gift from a friend.

If you're trying to get Margaret to notice you, this won't help.

‐Your relationship already stinks. ‐Give it to me, you twit!

‐(bottle smashes) ‐Now look what you did.

You cracked my mirror in two.

Now you have one for each face.

You're gonna have seven years of bad luck.

‐Or two weeks in Korea, whichever's worse. ‐(helicopter whirring)

Sirs, the P. A. system conked out.

There's lots of incoming wounded.

Thanks, Radar. Frank, you're a stark raving birdbrain.

Don't insult me in front of enlisted men, and that's an order.

‐Radar, would you mind? ‐Gladly, sir.

‐Frank, you're a stark raving birdbrain. ‐That's better.

‐That is better. ‐I like it a lot better.

Frank, my finger's in the clamp!

Oh, is it? Sorry.

‐Idiot! ‐Well, nobody's perfect.

That's what I thought till I met Donald Penobscott.

Oh, Donald Penobscott, Donald Penobscott!

I'm sick and tired of hearing about him.

It's about time you fixed that, wacko.

‐I heard that. ‐If I had my way,

I'd boot you out of this man's army.

I like your thinking, sir.

Three bulbs in one day.

As if things aren't tough enough.

They say bad luck comes in threes, sir.

Does that mean Frank Burns is a triplet?

Oh, jam it in your Jell‐O, Pierce.

I'm getting dark blood here. What's his pressure?

110 over 74.

Much too deep.

Well, it's the gauge.

It's stuck or broken.

How does a gauge break in the middle of an operation?

Oxygen, quick!

Somebody's wearing enough aftershave at 50 cents a bottle

‐to put us all under. ‐Fifty cents?

Is that all you spent?

I haven't smelled anything like that since World War I.

A Parisian house of instant happiness,

which I smelled in passing, of course.

‐Ow! ‐Give yourself a Purple Heart, Colonel.

And a purple finger.

We've met before, haven't we?

You're Corporal...

‐Marsh. ‐Right.

Des Moines, Iowa. I was hit in the same leg two months ago.

They have no respect for my work.

Doc, uh, how's it look?

You're gonna be just fine, Corporal.

However, I don't think you're gonna wanna stay awake for this.

Nurse.

Hey, is that Father Mulcahy?

The one and only.

Ah, Corporal Marsh. Are you here again?

Yeah, and without my Saint Christopher medal.

I must have lost it somewhere.

Well, I'll replace it, son.

Shall we?

Knife.

(bulb shattering, both scream)

A thousand pardons, sir.

You did that on purpose!

I'm confining you to quarters!

I'm confining you to quarters, too.

Give me all your nickels and dimes.

Keep your petticoats out of my face.

And you keep your eyes closed.

Screwball.

‐HAWKEYE: Was that a curse, Klinger? ‐Yes, sir.

It starts the day he goes home to his wife.

Margaret, you squirted saline all over me!

I'm sorry. It was an accident.

Yeah, accident, I'll bet.

My astrologist told me it was a bad year for war.

How do you explain it, Father?

Bishop O'Hara at the seminary had a brilliant explanation

for phenomena such as these.

He said, "That's the way the ball bounces."

The man should be canonized.

Marsh here was canonized, twice in the same leg.

You all know what day this is?

Friday the 13th.

She's right. And...

Nah, doesn't mean a thing.

Don't say that, Frank.

I once spent Friday the 13th

in a haunted house with a friend.

I was never more frightened in my life.

Did you see a ghost?

No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.

That's impossible.

How come he sent her a bill?

Somebody down here doesn't like us.

Some of the natives think it's evil spirits.

‐The savages. ‐Frank, those savages

were printing with movable type in 1403.

He's right. I was in 1402,

and the noise kept me awake all night.

The Koreans practice almost every religion known to man,

including shamanism.

Shamanism?

The belief that spirits inhabit trees and houses and people.

Diddly poo.

That's the spirit, Frank.

Jumpin' Jehosaphat!

We gotta be jinxed.

Now, let's stop the malarkey

about evil spirits, bad luck and jinxes.

That stuff comes right off the stable floor.

From now on, nothing will go wrong.

Except the lights.

Hold it a second.

‐How's the leg, Marsh? ‐Hey, great, Doc.

‐Hey, you seein' me off? ‐Nope, I'm runnin' you out of town.

‐Don't you show your face around here again. ‐I'll try my best.

Your best and Father Mulcahy's medal should do it.

I never got that medal.

You didn't? He forget?

No, no, they're shipping me out early.

He's in post‐op. You want me to get him?

Don't bother, sir. It can wait till I'm stateside.

‐You sure? ‐Yeah.

All right. Take it easy.

Okay.

‐Here's the lighter fluid for your lighter, Colonel. ‐No fluid, Radar.

What it needs is lighter fluid.

These things dry up, you know.

It was full when you bought it.

Well, it's dry now.

And when are they fixin' the P. A. System?

Probably not till tomorrow.

The electrician's resting over at Rosie's Bar.

‐Resting? ‐He was fixing the wires,

and it shot him through the wall.

Shocking.

May I, Colonel?

Always a pleasure to see you, Padre.

Sir, the Marsh boy left before I could replace

his St. Christopher medal.

Is there any way I can get it to him?

‐Radar? ‐Uh, there's another ambulance leaving

for the 123rd at 1400 hours, sir.

The driver could personally deliver it in person.

Voilà.

Radar, sometimes I think you deserve a medal.

No, no thank you, Father. I'm Protestant.

Ah.

About time, Klinger.

I've been moving my tail, sir.

We've had a rash of mysterious blowouts.

You got a rash? Use talcum.

Spirits at work again, Corporal?

Weird things have been happening, Father.

Igor hasn't drawn better than two pair in poker

‐since Friday. ‐Oh, my.

And I ripped four nylons in a week.

You're giving me goose bumps.

A stray bomb comes from out of nowhere.

Blows up a shipment of chipped beef.

What do you call that?

A gift from heaven.

Me? I'm playin' it safe. See this?

‐This wards off evil spirits. ‐A blue bead?

I'm not wearin' it 'cause it goes well with the organdy...

which it does like a dream.

That's crazy, Klinger.

I'm not taking any chances with the evil eye.

Is there any such thing?

I came from a long line of short‐nosed people.

One day, my grandfather's camel spit in the eye

of the village witch.