Inside No. 9

CHILDREN CHATTER

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Bore da, dosbarth naw.

Bore da, Mr Edwards.

Dyma'ch athro newydd Mr Curtis

ac mae'n mynd I'ch dysgu chi yn Saesneg.

STUDENTS GROAN

I was telling them

you're going to be taking all your lessons in English,

which is a very important skill

for those adventurers amongst you

who might be thinking about leaving

the village in the future.

Mr Curtis used to teach at a school in London

so I'm sure he'll have all sorts of exciting stories

to tell us.

They pay £2 for a coffee, don't they?

And the rest.

Oh, dearie me, imagine that!

Now, as you all know,

your previous teacher, Mr King, had to leave us

after a wonderful year.

STUDENTS GROAN I know, I know.

But he has sent us this postcard from his travels,

and I wondered if one of you

would like to read it to the class.

Me! Me.

Ceri, would you care to do the hon ours?

Good girl.

"Dear Class 9, greetings from down under.

"I'm having an amazing time

"and I'm thinking of you, as you start your next chapter.

"I cherish the memory of our time together

"and getting to know all of you so closely.

"Much love, Mr King."

MR EDWARDS EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY

What a man!

What a teacher, what a man.

Anyway, back down to reality.

Mr Curtis, over to you.

Thank you, Headmaster.

So, here's a question -

what's the difference between me and Pinocchio?

I'm glad to be in Wales.

Ah, now that is because Pinocchio was eaten by a whale.

Have I got that right, Mr Curtis?

Yes, it was just a joke.

Oh.

It was a joke, Class 9.

A joke.

Carry on.

So, as you all know,

our end-of-term assembly is going to be all about

the environment. CHALK SCRATCHES

So, what does that mean?

Anyone.

Euan? Erm...

Our classroom?

Yes, that's our immediate surroundings, what else?

Ooh, fields!

Yes, good. It's any place where people and plants

and animals actually live and grow.

So what types of things will affect our environment?

Oh, human beans, sir.

What's that, Gwen?

Human beans.

Not human beans, we're not vegetables,

but human beings, yes,

we certainly have an impact.

And we can affect our environment

in positive ways and in negative ways.

So, what are some of the positive things

that we can do?

Ceri?

Recycling.

Very good, Ceri. Yes. Recycling.

Anyone else?

Well, who here has heard of Greta Thunberg?

None of you?

OK. Er...

You've probably all heard of global warming?

No? How about climate change?

OK, well, you should have covered

some of this last year, but let me ask you this...

What do you think causes hurricanes?

God farting!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY LAUGHTER

No, don't be silly, Owen.

This is actually a really serious subject.

So, for your homework, I want you all to go home

and learn all about global warming

and the ozone layer.

Sir, Mr King said we didn't have to do homework.

Well, I'm really sorry,

but Mr King isn't your teacher now, I am.

You know, I don't know if you realise it,

but this is the number one topic

that's going to affect you and all your futures,

so it really isn't something

that you can afford to be ignorant about!

Sorry.

Now, I want you all to do a paragraph

and bring it in on Monday.

Right, you can all get your books out

and do silent reading for 20 minutes. Off you go.

HE HUMS

HE HUMS

Oh, Headmaster?

Er, could I have a word?

Of course, Alan. How can I help?

I wondered if you had an email address for Mr King.

Email..

Is that the one with the little blue bird?

No, I think that's Twitter.

That's right, yes, Tash-tag.

Email is the @ sign,

isn't it? Yes, I think I've got

a piece of paper with that on in my office.

Oh, thanks, it's just I'd love to talk to him

about what he covered last year and what curriculum he's been using.

Well, no problem.

I'll ask Megan to dig it out and I'll get back to you.

Thanks.

All good otherwise?

Er, yeah, I think so.

Have you started rehearsing for your assembly yet?

Mr King's were always very lavish.

Like West End theatre productions!

Well, I'll... I'll try and make mine Wicked.

That's a musical. Ah.

Another one of your jokes.

Well, I look forward to it.

Always a joy to see the children take centre stage.

We're a small school, Alan, as you can see,

and we've very nearly been closed down a few times,

but bringing in teachers such as yourself,

with all your experience of the world,

it really helps the children grow, you know?

Well, that's... That's all I want, Headmaster, it really is.

Jolly good. Right, well, I'll get that bmail for you,

and I'll get Megan to send it to you as a text.

Take that, Ofsted!

That's very good. Is that going to be a pumpkin? Yes. Great.

With some scary eyes on it. Make sure that your paint isn't dripping

when you hang up your paintings, OK?

Is yours still wet, Owen? Er, yes, sir.

Well, put it on top of the tray for now.

That's fantastic. And then, when it is dry,

we will stick them all up on the display.

Oh, thank you, Ceri, that's great.

OK, you've got 15 minutes. Aprons off, go and have a play.

Walking. That's it, off you go.

Ceri, could I have a word with you, please?

I mean, what were you thinking? Hmm?

Those tadpoles are not going to turn into frogs now, are they?

Why not?

Because you boiled them in the kettle.

I mean, why would you do that, Ceri?

Global warming.

I asked you to research it, not recreate it.

Mr King once ate a goldfish.

Yeah, well, I don't care what Mr King did.

I'm getting a bit concerned about you, Ceri.

I mean, last week,

you pushed Simon's face into his birthday cake, didn't you?

What if his hair had caught fire on the candles?

Have you seen that Michael Jackson video?

Not the one about licking boys' bottoms,

the one where his hair caught fire.

It very nearly disfigured him...

.even more.

Who's Michael Jackson?

Never mind.

Is there anything going on at home that you want to tell me about?

We're having an extension. OK.

Are Mummy and Daddy getting on all right? No shouting?

Something upsetting you?

I don't want the world to end.

Well, it's not going to end.

Who said it's going to end? The stinking rebellion.

Who?

You asked us to read about it for homework.

You mean the climate change protesters?

It frightened me.

Oh, you mustn't be frightened, Ceri.

I mean, you should feel

that emotion and then do something positive with it.

It's all right.

There, there. Sorry it frightened you.

Now, do you want to go and play outside or...

...or do you want to stay inside with me?

Stay with you.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Little bit peckish, are we?

Oh, sorry, Headmaster,

I was just, erm,

just practising a trick for the children.

Well, that's one way of teaching the food chain.

HE CHUCKLES DRYLY