This Is Not a Comedy (El Comediante)

.::TWA - Your Source Of Quality!::.

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather…

Lesser leather…

My mom is one of those people who believes in karma, can you believe it?

I don't believe in that stuff, us Gemini are skeptics.

It's not that I don't believe,

I just don't trust new age stores

with surveillance cameras.

Let's give a hand to a great friend and comedian,

Gabriel Nuncio.

Well, okay, my name is Gabriel Nuncio,

and for seven or eight years,

I've been following the lives

of all Gabriel Nuncios on the web.

So, we discover, little by little,

all these Gabriel Nuncios have a partner, are in love, happy,

until we finally reach

the only Gabriel Nuncio on the web who is alone.

100% FAMILY SAFE

However,

I met someone

a few months ago.

A girl I bumped into wherever I'd go.

I bumped into her at the laundromat, at the coffee shop, in Sanborns.

And…

I bumped into her everywhere until one day I built up the courage to text her

a very effective line,

"Hey!"

I invite her home and, when I get the door…

-Hi. That was quick. -I live nearby.

She walks to the living room, puts the ukulele on her lap,

and tells me,

"I have something to tell you."

And I go,

"Uh-huh?"

So, she goes,

"This may be the reason why you and I have bumped into each other everywhere."

And she plays the ukulele.

And I'm like, "Okay."

"I'm in contact with aliens."

Four hundred.

Four hundred.

-Plus $100, that's $500. -That's $500.

Five, ten, fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen.

And it's settled, Gabito.

It's still short, isn't it?

Yes, around three pesos.

-No. -If you want--

No, we're $100 short.

We discounted the beer.

The beer is on the house.

Yeah, domestic beer. Yours was imported.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

Hey, wasn't that Leyre who just walked out?

-Yes. -Oh, no, Gabriel.

I'd kill you.

I should've stuck to the first part.

Just that part

about the Gabriel Nuncios.

I should stop doing comedy, but it's my only income.

I want to be a mom.

That's lovely. Great.

And well, I…

You and I have been best friends for a while now.

We know each other really well.

And I want you to help me.

How?

Well, to have it.

What about Ricardo?

Ricardo and I…

went our separate ways.

For now.

-For good. -No, you always get back together.

Okay.

-Don't look at me that way. -No, I smiled. This face is--

I know what I'm asking is huge.

So, think about it, okay?

Yes.

Yeah.

Let me think about it.

That's what I just told you.

Yes.

-There it is. -Great.

All right.

-Excuse me. -Go ahead.

-Good evening. -How are you?

-Hi. -Hi, Lauro.

Hey, Bitle, there's a song you were playing the other day…

-No idea. -No?

-It rings a bell. -Does it?

-I think I know it. -Maybe it's from one of my students.

My mistake, sorry.

How much was it, $150?

Yes, that's it, but you didn't tell me it was a cross lock. They're harder.

Hey.

Your couch is at the entrance.

So?

It's $270.

Well… this is $250.

Two hundred and sixty-seven.

-Jeez. -And I owe you three, okay?

Okay.

Thanks.

Sure.

Here is what gives this dish its taste.

According to my standards,

the perfect ribeye.

What's up, Mom?

Gabito! Are you busy?

Gosh, yeah.

Why are you so mean? That's not how I raised you.

What is it, Mom?

-Why haven't you visited your uncle? -What uncle?

Uncle Gonzo!

Gabito, he's not well.

Gabriel, I told you.

Yes, it's too far from here, Mom.

He's dying.

Yes, sorry.

You're closer than us, you don't need to take a flight.

You know what, Mom? There's an echo.

You're closer than all of us.

No, I heard you.

Okay, I'll go today, Mom.

Take some flowers from all of us.

Yes, I'll send them.

No! What? Don't send them.

Take them to him. We'll pay for them.

I can pay for them.

Call you later.

Gabriel, darling, don't leave me hanging, sonny, please--

Okay.

I'm hanging up.

I'm hanging up now.

-I love you so much. -Bye! I love you too. Bye!

Leyre.

You're a brute, man.

What's wrong?

You made me look like a psychopath.

You should've stayed till the end.

-I said you're the best girl in the world. -I don't believe you.

-They won't know I was talking about you. -You even did a bad impression of me.

-Stupid. -It was a joke.

Sorry.

Want to eat?

I'm starving.

You reminded me of my childhood.

-Why? -Because I was bullied.

Yes, that's right.

Here?

Want some ribeye?

It's the perfect ribeye.

That's not a ribeye.

Well, it's the perfect steak.

We should fix some salad, right?

Do you have oil?

-Olive? -Well, of course.

Have another one?

I have limes.

How many?

A thousand.

-A thousand? -One thousand.

Yay!

I'll drop everything and join the circus.

You'll be a clown?

Listen.

Just listen.

Ooh, it's our song.

Do

Re, mi

Fa…

I'm still very mad at you.

Fine, but put down the knife, will you?

Not now.

Now.

Not now.

Now.

A little noise.

My turn.

Wasn't it for your room?

Yes.

You want to hang a rug?

It's not the one I want.

The one I want is over here.

It's the same.

No, it's not the same. Touch it.

It's softer.

And it's also waterproof.

It's see-through.

It's the other way around.

No. You, darling.

You're full of fear.

Of darkness.

And you want to bury yourself deeper?

-Let the light flow. -It'll be open all day.

I'll shut it at night so the neighbors won't see me.

You complain that everything goes wrong, but you cover your soul with a curtain.

I don't say everything goes wrong.

Can we not talk about witchcraft?