Girls Will Be Girls

Fuu...

...uuck!

Hello, gorgeous.

Jesus.

I wish someone could tell me how to just once

wake up without a splitting headache.

You could drink less.

Thank you, Coco. That's very helpful.

Place looks nice.

Yes. We were both getting up early to clean it today, remember?

I'd have just gotten in the way.

You did get in the way. That's why I moved you to your bed.

Evie.

Yeah?

What do you think about the idea of having a dog in the house?

I'm sorry. Have I been staring?

I'm thinking of getting one.

I mean, let's face it,

at this point, I'm probably never gonna have kids.

Coco, it's not too late.

I'm kidding!

A dog sounds fun.

It sounds depressing, is what it sounds.

"Do you have kids?"

"No, but I have a dog".

"Well, it's the same thing, you crazy, barren old hag".

This new roommate will cheer you right up.

I just hope she's not too loud.

Or happy.

Happy people always make such a racket.

Coco she came by and she was a peach.

- Were you drunk? - It was 12 noon.

Of course I was drunk.

I'm surprised anybody would wanna rent that awful Bicentennial room.

What?

I rented Varla your room.

- What? - So you'll be the one in the...

...in the Bicentennial room.

Evie, I have seniority.

Bet that's her.

All you do is take advantage of me.

And I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Ooh, she's a happy one.

Hello! You must be Yoo Hoo.

Coco.

- I'm Varla. - Hello, Varla.

Let me help you with your duffel bag.

My things are in the Cabriolet.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's just your ass.

Jesus Christ!

Well, this is the backyard.

You have a pool?

Nothing like that first puke of the day! Martini?

Happy hour for me never starts till after five.

Me either. This is only number three.

Varla was just telling me all about how she came here from Arkansas.

Right. To become a big movie star.

And singing sensation.

Well, you know, it's not as simple as just showing up.

You also have to fill out the application.

I realize how tough it can be. But that's why I have a plan.

I'm gonna spend every afternoon at Schwab's Drugstore.

You know, where Tina Turner was discovered.

Except it's a Virgin Megastore now.

Are people still discovered there?

Yes, but mainly in the men's room by undercover cops.

You know, her plan could work.

When I was first starting out,

I ran into Fred MacMurray at the Brown Derby

just when they were casting Flubber.

We hit it off so well, he threw a juicy part my way.

Then he put you in the movie.

Well, I hate to brag, but acting is sort of in my blood.

You see, my mother was Marla Simonds.

- 'Cause of her! - I can't finish this.

Your mother was Marla Simonds?

Chesty on Fill Her Up.

The short-lived but widely acclaimed summer spin-off of CPO Sharrkey.

Damn it. That was a lot of martini.

- Did you know her? - Goodness, yes.

We were always running into each other at auditions.

She had such a bright future, too.

We were all so shocked when she offed herself.

- Evie! - I'm sorry.

Passed herself away.

They shipped me off to Arkansas right after, so I...

I have so many questions.

- What was she like? - Very sweet.

- And a big pothead. - Evie!

Loved cock. - Evie!

Coco is sexophobic.

- Did you ever work with her? - No, but you know what?

She almost got my breakthrough role in Asteroid.

Still, there were never any hard feelings.

She even came to the big housewarming party I threw

after the premiere to help my friends celebrate my success.

My mother... was here?

Everyone was.

Marla, Rip Taylor... everyone.

You know what?

I think the universe sent me here for a reason.

It's telling me I'm supposed to follow in my mother's footsteps.

If I can become a big movie star,

then maybe in a way, her life wouldn't have been for nothing.

How do you figure?

Piece of shit.

Evie, help!

Hi.

I didn't realize you knew this room still existed.

I come in here plenty.

Look.

Cher Allman decided to drop her last name altogether.

Well, with that new girl in the house, I've got to keep up.

Three hours in, and you're already competing.

- Just like with her mom. - That's not what this is!

Oh, my God!

What?

Oh, Evie, when I was at Vassar,

I became... with child...

and I had a...

...procedure.

Tlhat's your big secret? An abortion?

- Have you had one? - One?

I've had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage.

Well, anyway, there's more.

I was still very young myself,

so, needless to say, I was quite nervous.

But, Evie,

when that doctor walked in, my fear melted like...

snow in a... melter.

So, is this your first abortion?

Yeah.

He was confident and kind...

There you go.

- And I know this souds crazy... - Yeah, hold still.

...but even in our brief time together.

I felt our souls touch.

It's over?

Afterwards. I tried to make contact.

But they didn't give out doctor's names on account of all the shootings.

I must have the doctor's name!

All I knew was he worked on Tuesdays.

- And. Evie... - Young man.

...that's when I hatched my evil plan.

- You're on the pill, right? - Of course I am.

Think I want to get pregnant?

I took on all comers

classmates, teachers...

- ... my priest. - You're going straight to hell!

My reputation went into a tailspin, but I didn't care.

I was a woman obsessed.

Then one morning, a Tuesday if you believe in fate...

I ran to that clinic so fast I'm lucky I didn't miscarry.

Time had only made him more handsome.

Look who it is. My favorite patient.

I smiled at him.

He smiled back.

And Evie, that's when I saw it.

He had gotten married.

What's wrong?

- I was so distraught. - Nothing.

I couldn't even enjoy our intimacy.

Here I come.

I'm not proud of what I did.

In fact, I haven't slept through a night since.

But when I do sleep...

...I dream of him.

I'll bring the rest when you finish with that.

Stay close.

I saw you sitting all alone, looking so very beautiful.

Thank you.

My apology for being so bold,

but when I see the best, I have to have it.

Well, you know...

a Maserati needs much more pampering than a Toyota.

This is not a problem

if the Maserati will take its driver where he wants to go.

Maseratis don't do anal.

I think we understand each other.

So, what brings you lunching this afternoon?

It's not the exact malt shop where Tina Turner was discovered

by a big producer, but it is the closest one to it...

...that had apple crumble.

Do you know that I, I am movie producer?

Really?

Where on earth did you produce that charming accent?

Bulgrapulatvinskerbina.

Waiter!

Yes, Bulgrapulatvinskerbinians, we do not bathe.

Can't tell.

But that does remind me, I really should refreshen my perfume.

So I said, "Why am I laughing?

We're doing it doggy style, and your name is Barker".

That used to be George Peppard's house.

Great lay.

But talk about loud, they knew he was coming in Oxnard.

Evie, I'm not sure about this.

Coco, I've done this a million times.

- This sounds dangerous. - Dangerous?

Coco, I slam on the brakes,