Mom

Hi. Christy, alcoholic.

- Hi, Christy. - Hi, Christy. - Hi, Christy. - Hi, Christy.

I can't help thinking

where I was Christmas five years ago.

I mean, I-I've really thought about it and...

I literally don't know where I was.

But if any of you were there, maybe you could help me

piece it together or my deepest apology,

whichever applies. Thanks.

Hi, I'm Marjorie and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie.

This is a difficult holiday with Victor being sick,

and, uh,

I know I need to focus on him,

so I'm sad to say

that I won't be able to host my annual Christmas cookie party.

- Aw. - Of course I'm disappointed...

Good thing we're in a meeting so we can manage our grief.

- Shh. - Yeah, shh.

I love this meeting.

You ladies have really carried me through the last few weeks,

so, to show my gratitude, next week

I am bringing my famous nutty fruit log.

- Yay. - Yay. - Yay.

Would anyone else like to share?

- Mary, alcoholic. - Hi, Mary.

I'm afraid Mary isn't very merry this year.

It was recently brought to my attention

that my holiday letter was a bit of a bummer.

- I don't think we got one. - We did.

That's why the table doesn't wobble anymore.

I understand telling everyone that my daughter was in jail,

that my brother got evicted, and that my pink eye came back,

was not exactly holiday cheer, but it is what happened,

and I did make it rhyme.

Thanks for letting me share. I know you all care.

Okay. Okay, my turn.

- Bonnie, alcoholic. - Hi, Bonnie.

Everybody always shares about how hard it is

around the Christmas holiday.

And to them I say, Ba-bam!

That's all I got. Merry Christmas.

Ugh. Wow.

Look what happy people do for the holidays.

Please. They're obviously overcompensating.

You see Christmas cheer, I see a miserable couple

on the brink of divorce.

You get all that from the front door?

And I read their mail.

Did you leave the light on?

Oh, my God, we've been robbed.

Of what?

We don't have anything.

My laptop.

Oh, damn it, I left my watch on the nightstand.

- Oh. - Ah.

- Was that you? - No. I was in back.

Oh, my God! That means they were still in here.

Get out, get out, get out!

That means they're out here now.

Ah! Get in, get in, get in!

Looks like he got in through the bedroom window.

He? It could've been a woman.

Sure.

You might want to get that window fixed.

I'll tell the building manager.

I'm sure she'll get to it in a few months.

Is now really the time?

Here is a list of the missing items.

Hmm.

Is there any chance you're gonna find our stuff?

You want hope or the truth?

I've never had either. I just want my laptop.

Sure.

- Thanks, officers. - Yeah.

I don't get the feeling we're the cold case those two

are gonna carry to their graves.

I had a term paper on that computer

and it's my entire grade.

Did you back it up?

If I had backed it up, would I be freaking out right now?

Maybe. You run pretty hot.

Now I'm gonna fail that class, and then

I won't graduate, and then I won't get into law school

and all this hard work will have been for nothing,

and I might as well just stick my head in the oven.

Well, if that's the plan, kitchen's over there.

That's it?

You're not gonna talk me down?

Excuse me, but there are two victims here.

That worthless punk stole my watch.

Oop, no.

Here it is.

Hmm. Looks like they didn't touch Roscoe's stuff.

Baseball cards, paintball gun.

Hey, maybe we should consider getting a real gun.

Are you serious?

Yeah, we're adults. We know what to...

Ow!

I'm sorry. It was an accident.

It was not an accident!

- Oh, come on, why would I shoot you? - Why wouldn't you shoot me?

Go get a towel.

Ow!

Still want to get a real gun?

Are you planning on sleeping with the lights on?

I don't plan on sleeping at all.

It just creeps me out some stranger was in our home.

Yeah.

I mean, for all we know, he could have come up here

and rubbed his ugly naked butt on your pillow.

- Why would you say that? - Oh, come on, we're both thinkin' it.

- No, I really wasn't. - You are now.

Hey!

What was that?

Sounds like the water heater.

How could it be the water heater?

The water heater doesn't work.

Maybe the burglar broke in and he's fixing it.

Well, at least somebody is.

I told you, it's on my list.

- I'm waiting for parts. - I'm waiting for parts. Well, I am.

Just turn off the light and go to bed.

Hmm?

I broke into a house once.

What?

Yep. Aah!

I needed money for drugs.

I cased a couple of houses.

I saw one where the mail was stacked up.

I went around back and broke a window.

Wow.

That's a straight-up felony.

Only if you get caught.

It was the one time I really,

you know, crossed the line.

The one time?

I mean, I did what normal people do.

You know, go to a party, raid the medicine cabinet,

rifle through the jackets on the bed,

take an outfit out of the closet, wear it home.

Who does that?

You might not want to hear this,

but that's what you were doing Christmas five years ago.

I can't believe you broke into somebody's house.

Me neither. God...

I never thought about what I put those people through until now.

Just curious, what'd you steal?

Mmm. Cash, jewelry, an EpiPen.

I hope the kid didn't eat peanuts the next day.

That's what those are for?

Oh. It just made me run fast.

Sounds awful.

I'm sorry you went through that.

Yeah. I'm still pretty shaken up.

You should get a dog.

No, thanks. My mom's barely housebroken.

How about a cat?

A security cat?

Mine freak out when a stranger comes to the door.

You should see my mailman's ankles.

Well, I did put up some cheap web-cams.

Check it out.

- Living room... kitchen. - Mm-hmm.

Yep. There's Bonnie.

Look at her.

I live with Homer Simpson.

Wait, why is she going through my laundry?

Better question, why is she taking off her sweatpants?

That's my underwear.

She's putting on my underwear.

Oh, my God. That's why all my thongs are stretched out.

Strange butts in my underwear,

strange butts on my pillow.

Will this nightmare never end?

Hold on. Christy, I think

- I found your laptop. - What?

Someone just posted it on Craigslist,

and it has that lame "Follow your dreams" sticker on it.

Oh, my God. This is it.

Ha.

How did you know to look there?

A lot of people sell stolen stuff online.

Or so I've heard.

Unbelievable. They want $300 for it.

The "Z" doesn't even work.

You wrote an entire term paper without a "Z"?

That's amazing.

No. That's astonishing,

incredible or jaw-dropping.

Why so squirmy?

It's almost like your underwear is the wrong size.

What's it to you?

I saw you take mine on the spy-cam.

That is such a violation of my privacy.

You can't say that in my panties.

I hate to interrupt,

but I think that's the building.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

What? Four middle-aged women waltzing into a crime scene?