Go Now

For God's sake, Nick. That's it!

Can't believe what I'm bloody seeing here!

- Get up, Captain Ignus! - Hey, no way!

Come on!

Cut that football from there, man!

Did you see that one?

No, how come you see everything else

- except us? - All right, all right,

all right, come on!

The first game of the season

saw the worst miss of the season.

What was the excuse, Nick?

It bobbled.

How did you miss it?

It bobbled.

You blind get!

Stevie Wonder could have put it in!

Stevie wonder's refereeing.

You stupid prick!

It bobbled!

Two yards out!

It bobbled!

Look, you can drop me if you like but it bobbled!

I'll drop you from a dirty great height, you stupid prick!

- It bobbled! - What did it do, Nick?

It bobbled!

Piss off.

Pass me the shampoo, Tony, yeah?

You passed me nothing all day.

What, just give me the shampoo!

No.

You want the shampoo, Sammy?

Funny.

Did you see your dick just then?

What?

Did you see what it did?

No, what?

It bobbled.

Hey!

Very good.

So I says, "Can I walk you home?"

And she says "You can push me if you want."

Push her?

She had a wheelchair in the corner.

What could I say, I would have looked a right bastard

if I blew it right then, wouldn't I?

So you took a bird home in a wheelchair?

You pulled a fricking cripple?

Pushed a fricking cripple.

Got to the park.

She tells me she only lives across the road.

I say "Will you be okay from here?"

She says "I'm just like any other girl, you know?"

I bet she was.

So I says "Well, how can we manage?"

And she says "Well you could always hang me

in the park gates."

So I hung her on the park gates and did the business.

You gave her one on the park gates?

Yeah it wasn't bad either.

Ugh!

I don't believe you.

So I gets her down and I'm wheeling her up her path

when the front door opens.

Her husband?

Yeah, I leg it, he legs after me.

I slip on the curb.

I'm thinking, shit, this is it,

he's gonna bat the hell out of me.

But as I'm getting up he hands me a favour.

"Here you go mate, get yourself a pint."

I says "Did you see what we were doing on the park gates?"

All right, why?

He said "Every other bastard leaves her hanging there."

That's not funny.

No, that's not funny, that's sick!

Bridget, five pints of lager, a bitter and a blow job.

She's crazy about me.

I can tell.

It's a tossup between him and the elephant man.

A comeback!

What's so bleeding funny?

It ain't you.

I'm still a young man.

Compared to Methuselah.

How'd Thessel go on?

They won, one nil.

Yes.

They scored in the last minute,

the jammy Scotch gits.

What about United?

Sheffield or Cambridge?

Prague.

Doesn't even go for it.

Matthews was older than me.

- Hi. - Well Matthews could play.

Couldn't do worse than you lot.

You're crap.

You couldn't kick a bleeding hobbit.

I'm thinking of coming back as a sweeper.

I'll bring you your brush.

Here's a run you're good at, George!

So what do you say, Bridge?

You me, an onion bhaji and as many papadums as you want.

Keep the change.

Ta.

Can you give me a bit of time to think it over?

Of course, yeah.

30 or 40 years?

- Yes! - Ah, spraja!

Told you it was big.

Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned the papadums.

- I bet she could taste them. - Ah, give me a month.

She'll be begging to get her mouth around my vindaloo.

All right.

All right, I'm finally off.

Get the early.

I already got them, man.

I've got them in twice.

Ah, but your left does it.

Makes no bleeding difference.

Get them in, you tight bastard.

Well you got a full pint now.

Leave us some money then.

Here.

All right.

See you later.

- Ooh. - Tata.

Bye boys.

Bye.

He's underage.

Buy yous a drink?

You what?

Want a drink?

I don't believe this.

What?

See that?

Mhmm.

- A Toe. - Yes.

And see this?

Hmm?

A knee.

You're gonna meet someone called Tony.

What's your name?

Tony.

Never.

What is wrong with you?

We got a bet on.

See who can go the longest without having a pee.

And see this group here?

Yeah?

Sex.

Is that right?

Yeah, and see the way they're all bunched together?

Mhmm.

Multiple orgasms.

Really?

- Yeah. - All right, give in.

Yeah.

Ooh, I think we're in there.

Well done.

Sex, sex, sex, you scarpered them.

I didn't say anything.

4.20 down the fucking drain.

Shit.

Bollocks.

Come on.

Excuse me, sorry.

Going through.

Two cans of lager and a neat traveller please.

What?

I don't think it's much to ask for.

I've seen the prices in the door here, it's frightening.

Leave it.

Which one?

I said okay, two cans of lager and a pack of...

You see the way he's dancing with her?

Will you leave it?

Hey we're just lookers if you're gonna like me.

Hey, Tony, I say we go up there, man.

Will you leave it, for god's sake.

She's with the fricking stars.

I'll buy.

Hey, Nick!

Nick!

You fucking dealer.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

What's that?

Being a wonderful lover.

No?

No.

The noise, you see.

The noise women make when they're with me.

Trying to get out the door?

All those multiple orgasms, see?

Well I can take your word for it, love.

Sounds German, doesn't it?

What?

Orgasm.

Not really, no.