The Do-Over

- -

Yeah! Raise the roof for your class song,

"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.

Now, it's time to give it up for your 1991 prom king and queen,

- Ted-O and Nikki! -

Ted-O. Ted-O.

Ted-O. Ted-O. Ted-O.

Vincent!

Reunions are strange.

They bring up a lot of feelings about your past.

Were you a jock?

A pothead?

A drama club kid?

A loser?

Did you get the girl... or did she ever even notice you?

Who did you want to be, and who did you actually become?

Damn, Charlie.

Are you still hung up on that skank?

Hey.

You forgot the guy who showed you your first pair of tits?

You're givin' me dead eyes? It's me!

It's Maxi-Pad!

Max Kessler!

- Come on. - Oh, my God.

I haven't seen you in forever. Wow.

So, how is your mother?

Oh, well, you wouldn't want to check her out in the shower these days.

Not lookin' too good.

You know, I still think she might have known that we were watching.

Are you kiddin' me? That's why she winked at you in the middle.

- You were her little Macaulay Culkin. -

Man, these two assholes deserve each other.

They actually got divorced. They're still really good friends though.

I see that.

They had twins together, but she got remarried.

Wow.

Imagine if her husband was here right now watching that alcoholic hosebag

fucking dry hump her ex.

He is here, actually.

Oh, hey, congratulations. That's good news, man.

I wish you would've told me before I called your wife an alcoholic hosebag.

But, that's... that's excellent.

Whoa. Excuse me, one second.

Hey, come on. Ted-O. No, no. No... too much.

Oh, God.

Ha! I'm sorry. Whoo!

It's the goddamn Funky Bunch, baby!

I lose my shit! Every time.

Relax, Charlie, we were just dancin'.

You don't have to make a scene.

He's making a scene? You're the one getting a pap smear out here.

I wasn't getting a pap smear, shit-for-brains.

- Hey, hey. - No, no.

Here's what happened, all right? Here's what happened.

I think we had a little...

few too many beers and we're just gonna call it a night.

Okay, fine.

Let's go, Mr. Buzzkill. Ah!

You know I can't leave right now, I'm the class treasurer.

I have to settle up with the DJ and the hotel.

- Okay? You... - You know what?

Jimmy Badboy's got a limo.

Now, she could just hop right in with me if you wanted.

- If it's all right. - Oh, that sounds great.

- Yeah? - Let me ask my dad.

Hey, listen, it's better than drinking and driving.

Yes, okay, fine. I'll see you at home.

- It's a limousine. - All right.

I'll take good care of her. Whoo!

I'm sorry.

If I'm remembering correctly,

Charlie McMillan always loved himself a Bud Light.

How about that time my father took us on the drive-along in his cop car.

Oh, I remember that.

And that guy we had to arrest,

who kept flashing everybody at the 7-Eleven.

You stuck me in the backseat with that guy!

Yeah, who would have thought a guy could whack off with a set of handcuffs on?

Why did we ever stop hangin' out?

We lived right across the street from each other.

I don't know. We had different classes.

Yeah, you were with all the smart kids.

I was in shop class making bird cages and foot stools.

Yeah.

And after your dad died...

Yeah, I wasn't too social after that, huh?

I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Growing up without a dad.

But you're in Jacksonville now.

Tell me about yourself. I don't know anything.

Remember how we said we were gonna kick ass and take names?

Oh, yeah, we did.

You were going to invent time travel, weren't you?

And you were gonna be an FBI agent.

That's right.

Mr. Falcone, our guidance counselor,

said I was gonna end up working in the morgue.

- He did not like you. - Yeah.

But I guess old Mr. Falcone can suck my dick.

Shut up! Shut...

Are you kidding me? You did it?

Oh, my God, man!

Are you packin' heat?

Jesus!

My God.

Have you ever had to... shoot anybody?

I don't kill and tell, Charlie.

These are human beings we're talking about.

Yeah.

Eight people.

Are you kidding me, dude? This is cra...

Oh... Oh, yeah, that. I...

I have not done that. That's...

I did it with you. That was the last time.

Yep.

It's good to see me again, ain't it?

Wait, right... Smoke it right here?

You're runnin' with the law tonight, Charlie.

You're an untouchable.

That's right.

Oh... here.

Oh, no, I can't.

Fucking Bureau does random tests. You want to get me fired?

Oh...

So, what else, Charlie?

Believe it or not...

I still actually work at the same place I worked in high school.

Save & Pay Supermarket?

No. No, I've never worked at Save & Pay.

I manage the bank that's inside of Save & Pay.

Palm Coast Savings Bank has nothing to do with the supermarket.

Except the fact that it's in it.

Right, it's in it, but that doesn't mean it's a part of it.

It's its own entity.

So if the supermarket was closed, could I get into the bank?

Wouldn't happen.

We keep banking hours, so we close before them.

You keep telling yourself that, Charlie.

- - Where you living?

I live in the same house.

- Yeah? - Yeah, Oakmont.

Man, if you still had that Gremlin piece of shit you used to drive,

we'd be right back in high school.

The old Gremlin. I remember that.

Yeah, I still have it.

- You're shittin' me. - Yeah.

- So, basically, everything... - It's the same.

Yeah, it's the same.

But things are good, man. Things are great.

It's going great, seriously.

Come on, let's get real.

Let Maxi-Pad soak up your pain.

My life fuckin' sucks.

Yeah.

I drive the same car. I have the same job.

I talk to the same people.

I'm chasing the same girl...

except now I pay all her credit card bills.

She still doesn't care about me.

I mean, I talked to these people tonight,

they're going parasailing, motorcycle racing, cliff diving.

Oh, fuck all the people tonight. They're all fat and old-lookin'.

Go to Antigua. Jump off a cliff.

I'm too much of a pussy. I would never do that.

Plus, I can't. I can't go to Antigua.

I can't go anywhere, I don't have a passport.

Oh!

You're not a pussy, Charlie. You never were a pussy.

I'm just in a rut... a bad one.

I have so many responsibilities.

Like putting Ted-O's twins through college?

Exactly, that is on the list.

I mean, what the hell happened to my life?

Can't give up hope, bud.

Wish I could start from scratch. Just get it right this time.

Hey, maybe this is the weed, I think there's some girl spying on us.

- 5'5"? - Yeah.

- Dark wig? - Yeah.

- Button nose? - Yeah.

- Don't acknowledge her. - Oh.

It's my fucking psycho ex-girlfriend.

Is she stalkin' you?

She can't quit me.

- I gotta talk to her. - No, wait. Wait.

- I miss you. - Well... good.

- Change your mind. - Nope.

- Please. - You gotta just fucking be tough.

Just toughen the fuck...

Oh, I hate you.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -

She's gonna leave you alone now.

No, I gave her my hotel key.

She drove all the way out here.

Might as well feed the giraffe a carrot before I send her back to the zoo,

you know what I mean.

Damn it, man.

You are kicking ass and taking names. You're doing it.

You should be doing that with me, Charlie.

- Like we always talked about. - Yeah.

Hey... I hope I see you again.

Yeah, me, too.