Two and a Half Men

Check it out.

They got cars that run on vegetable oil now.

How about that.

You know what would be cool?

A Hummer that runs on French fry grease.

Uh-huh.

We could be energy independent

and still smash through crap.

Sounds great.

Plus, the new car smell is French fries.

Okay, I'm only gonna say this one more time.

You don't get your license for two more years

and you're not getting a Hummer.

You know, you say you want me to open up to you,

but what's the point?

Yeah, I always loved Paris in the springtime.

Oh, you're lucky.

I only got to do her once, on Halloween.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Alan.

Andy, this is my brother Alan.

Alan, Andy. Hello.

Hey, Andy.

Pull up a chair.

We're just telling war stories.

Oh, great.

The sponge?

Yeah.

So, uh, how do you guys know each other?

Well, Andy and I--

Can I have a cigar?

Sure, help yourself.

Thank you.

Anyway, Andy and I have known each other--

Maybe I'll take one for now and one for later.

Anyway, before he moved to New York,

Andy and I were partners in crime.

There weren't that many actual crimes.

Unless you count the ones against nature.

Alan, this is a great man.

No, no,

Albert Einstein was a great man.

I just drink, gamble and hump.

But I'm great at it.

Andy once managed to hitchhike

from Vegas to L.A., wearing no pants.

Hey, anybody can use their thumb.

This right here,

this is the brother I never had.

Oh, well, how nice for you.

I don't mean it that way.

You're my brother.

Well, thank you.

I just like him better.

Got it.

*Andy is the one guy in the world

that can match me drink for drink and broad for broad.

In fact, the one time I thought I drank him under the table,

it turned out he had a broad under there.

Right, Andy?

Andy?

Don't screw with me, dude.

Who's your favorite brother now?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men. * Oh, oh-oh. *

* Men. *

So, he died right out there

in the chair, huh?

Yep.

Remind me to flip that cushion.

You should've seen it, Berta.

The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

Is that so?

It looked like one of those things

the delivery guys use to keep pizza hot.

I wonder if they got him to the morgue

in 30 minutes or less.

Not funny, Jake.

Maybe it is funny and you just didn't get it.

Eat.

So, uh, did you know him?

Andy? Sure.

Before he moved to New York,

he and Charlie were just like brothers.

Yeah, I heard that part.

How's Charlie taking it?

He's pretty shook up.

Well, you can understand why.

Somebody your age, living the same

dumbass lifestyle you live

keels over and dies.

It's gotta give you pause.

You're right about that.

Actually, I'm surprised

that Charlie didn't go first.

Excuse me.

I'm standing right here.

But for how long?

Did you get that one?

I'll see you later. Where you going?

Where do you think? My best friend just died.

I got a lot of things to take care of.

You're handling the funeral?

I'm sure Andy would like that.

The hell with Andy.

I'm going to the hospital

to get every damn medical test known to man.

Good one.

You're not getting any of these, are you?

* Men. *

Hey.

Hey, how'd the tests go?

I won't know for a couple of days.

All right, I'm outta here.

How about you, Charlie?

Wait, I got something for you.

It's a gift certificate for a week at a spa in Palm Springs.

Well, I'll be.

Thank you, Charlie.

I just wanted you to know that I love you

and appreciate that you've always been there for me.

Great, see you in a week.

Look at you.

The minute you start thinking about your mortality,

you realize how much you care about the people around you.

Yeah, and I need to start showing it.

Well, little gifts are always

a nice way to express your feelings.

I know.

Could be as simple as a cashmere robe

or as extravagant as a new car.

Yeah, I suppose it could.

Excuse me, I got something really cool for Jake.

Doesn't even have to be new!

"Certified pre-owned" is still very thoughtful!

Hey, what are you doing?

I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe

what comes up when you Google "Hummer."

Actually, I would.

Here, I got you something

I think you're really gonna like.

Is it a sandwich?

Why would I gift wrap a sandwich?

'Cause you want me to be surprised?

Just open it.

You know what's a great sandwich?

The Monte Cristo.

'Cause it has ham and cheese and it's fried.

Open the damn box.

Whoa, don't get your period.

Oh, wow, a mini video camera.

Pretty cool, huh?

Is this 'cause you think you're dying?

No, no.

I just wanted to do something nice for you.

Before you die.

Do you want the camera or not?

Yeah, I want it.

Then just say thank you.

Thank you. Geez.

You need to relax.

You'll give yourself a heart attack.

I'll work on it.

Have a sandwich.

That always relaxes me.

All right,

one more gift to give.

Oh, yeah?

Saving the best for last?

I don't know about the best,

but it's sure the hardest.

Any way I can make it easier?

Yeah.

Call Mom and tell her I'm on my way over.

* Men. *

Oh, Charlie, what a beautiful watch!

Do you really like it?

Are you kidding?

It's gorgeous!

And the best part is

now I don't have to wear my good one every day.

Anyway, you're probably wondering

why I bought it for you.

Well, I just assumed you love me

and did it out of the goodness of your heart.

I'm kidding. Why, dear?

Okay, I deserve that.

But the truth is I do love you

and despite our many differences,

I'm glad you're my mother.

You didn't drive over here drunk, did you?

I'm not drunk.

I just...

I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is,

and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.

Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?

No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.

I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine,

but all right.

My point is,