Mom

I'm sorry I fought you on us just being friends.

I didn't realize how friendly you were gonna be.

Yeah, well, parts of me are friendlier than others.

Am I messing things up if I say I wish once in a while

we could... spend the night together,

wake up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, cuddle?

All right, off you go.

Seriously?!

When you use words like "cuddle"

I feel like you don't really get me.

Never mind.

Oh, before I leave,

you got a little something going on with your tushie.

Are you trying for round two?

'Cause "tushie" is right up there with "cuddle".

No, I noticed, uh, that the mole on your right cheek

is, uh, a little bigger than

last time I was, you know, in the neighborhood.

First of all, it's not a mole, it's a beauty mark.

And secondly...

if you've got time to look around back there,

you're not trying hard enough.

Oh, come on, I'm just concerned.

It used to be the shape of Ohio

and now it's more like... Australia.

Nobody asked you to play Dora the Explorer.

I'm sure it's fine.

I'm sure it is, too, but just to be safe

have a doctor take a look.

Yeah, okay, whatever.

By the way,

if we're gonna start noticing imperfections

in each other's bodies,

you might want to pull those balls up a couple inches.

You got to be kidding me.

Mommy, I'm home from school.

I'm just gonna hang out in the living room

till the grown-ups stop wrestling.

Of course I drank.

- Hey, Christy. - Hey, Steve.

I'm just gonna sheepishly skulk out of here now.

That'd be awesome, thanks.

Uh, before I forget.

Take a look at your mom's butt

and see if there's cause for alarm.

Excuse me?

She's got a mole that doesn't look right.

Bonnie: Steve, are you still here?

Got to go. Right cheek.

Of course I was a stripper.

Seeing a lot of Steve these days, huh?

Well, I can't afford a gym membership.

I got to get my cardio in somehow.

- Come on, you like him. - I do.

He's like a rowing machine with a heart of gold.

Great, I'm really happy for you. Show me your ass.

What?

Steve said something about a mole. Let's see.

- No. - Hey, this is not the high point

of my day either. Hike up your robe.

Forget it, it's nothing.

Come on, pretend you're on the Jumbotron

at a Raiders game and moon me.

Sorry, you got to buy me dinner to see the goods.

Hey, in the future, can you let me know

if you're gonna be home early?

I got a better idea... Why don't you shoot me a text

when you've got your feet behind your ears.

Yeah, that probably makes more sense.

Hey, uh, by the way,

we're almost out of your fancy conditioner.

- Smile. - Hey!

Oh, relax. I'm sure it's...

Oh!

Wendy, you're a nurse,

does that mole look right to you?

Oh, come on, I got raisins in my salad here.

Just look, I'm worried.

I don't know, could be something, could be nothing.

That's your professional opinion?

You went to nursing school for that?

I went to nursing school

'cause I thought I'd have access to drugs.

Let me see.

Ew! If that were on Cindy Crawford's face,

she'd have a very different career.

Give me.

That's not good.

She should definitely go to a doctor.

See? That's the problem...

No matter what I say, she won't go.

Well, she's scared.

I know when I found a lump in my breast

I was panic-stricken what a doctor might say.

So you think it's cancer?

Isn't that what we're all thinking?

What were you thinking?

I don't know, knowing her,

it could be the mark of the devil.

Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?

- Nothin'. - Chattin'.

- Hangin'. - Lookin' at your mole.

Did you not see what we were doing here?

You showed them?

I'm worried about you.

- Since when? - You're my mother.

I say I'd be better off without you, but I don't really mean it.

You say that? Does she say that?

- Of course not. - No.

All the time.

For God's sake, read the room, Wendy.

Anyway, you really should go see a doctor.

Yeah, well, I'm not a doctor person.

I'm more comfortable just toughing it out.

You see this finger?

I cut the tip off when I was 14.

Stuck it back on with crazy glue.

That would be your brand.

You went to a doctor for your back last year.

Well, only 'cause she made me.

And look what happened, I got strung out on pain pills.

Who knows? I go in for a mole,

next thing you know I'm smoking crack.

What was your excuse for the first time you smoked crack?

I like crack.

Now, let's just change the subject. Talk about the weather.

Does your giant mole hurt before it rains?

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Oh!

I'm rubbing a pomegranate on my mole.

You're feeding it now?

I did a little research on the Internet

and learned that if you apply pomegranate juice,

garlic paste, walnut oil,

and then cover the mole with a kale leaf,

it'll be gone in a few hours.

Good call.

Go Harry Potter on your ass.

It'll work.

Mom, it's natural to be scared

to go see a doctor, anyone would be.

Except me. I have science on my side.

Now come on... tape this kale leaf to my butt.

Shiny side down, or this is just

a complete waste of time.

Just like this conversation.

Hey, on the off chance that Wiccan-pedia

doesn't do the trick,

will you please see a doctor?

For the last time, I don't need a doctor.

Now come on,

help me summon the serpent.

That's it, I'm making an appointment.

- No. - Why?

Because...

I've been a terrible person my whole life

and this is how the universe is gonna get even with me.

So you are scared.

Of course I am. Have you seen this thing?

It's big enough to claim as a dependent.

Then let's get it taken care of

and put the whole thing behind us.

Sorry.

You can't do that, that's not how the universe works.

Wait a minute... You know how the universe works,

and you've been holding out on me?

The universe waits,

and then as soon as you get your life together,

boom... something awful happens.

Oh, you poor thing.

You think you have your life together.

Tell you what, I'll make you a deal.

We'll give your witch's salad dressing

24 hours to work.

If it doesn't, we see a doctor.

Fine.

Thank you. Now you're starting to make sense.

Oh, great. Now my ass smells like the Olive Garden.

Do we need cotton balls?

What?

Never mind. I'm just gonna take 'em.

Nice karma move,

stealing from the free clinic.

Says the woman who swiped three Us Weeklies

from the waiting room.

It's the only crossword I can do.

Okay, Ms. Plunkett,

I see you have an unwelcome guest on your posterior.

Please drop your pants and bend over.

Oh, okay.

Not the first time a man has said that to you, huh, Mom?

Oh, that's very good.

Clever. Huh.

Okay, let's see what we have here, hm?

Oh, jeepers.

Jeepers, good?

When is jeepers ever good?

Oh, God, I knew it.

Calm down. Doctor?

Yes?