You Me Her

Previously on "You Me Her"...

I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.

If you walk out that door, you are dead to me.

Are you sure you left for the right reasons

and you're still getting a divorce on Monday

- and driving back to Seattle? - Yes.

We agreed that before we started talking about nannies and daycare,

the girls would be 3 years old.

What is wrong with your entire generation of men?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Well, when I was a kid, my dad used to leave me at a bar

- while he did God knows what in the back. - Huh.

How long are you gonna keep showing up like this?

Until you forgive me or my project ends.

You know, what would look really good

- on this tiny finger right there? - Jack, I have an idea.

Why don't I propose to you?

- Jack Trakarsky? - Yes?

- I almost proposed to Jack. - That's awesome.

Nina, why is Shaun cooking dinner in your kitchen?

- You're pregnant. - I am that.

Ky, I'm sorry. It was a massive mistake.

I'll go with you.

You have a right to know.

Jack, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, um...

When you say I have a right to know,

we're talking about...

Mm-hmm.

So what happens now?

Haven't really had a chance to explore my options.

Kylie offered...

to take me.

I... I didn't say yes.

I also didn't say no.

- Jack... - What?

Jack, can we just...

can we just sit down and talk about this like grownups?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be playing it cool, I guess.

That's how you want me to react?

Please. I'm intrigued.

Tell me more about your plan to abort the baby

we've been trying to have for the last seven years.

Okay, can you tone down the righteous indignation

to a seven or an eight, huh?

We both agreed what happened was a huge mistake.

So it's pretty fucking complicated, Jack.

You know, we shouldn't have this conversation here.

What? Why?

Because Izzy has a meeting with her thesis counselor right now.

"The Myth of Polyfidelity."

Great premise. Well done.

Thanks. Uh, I call it "The Communism of Relationships"

because it's way better in theory than it is on its feet.

Fascinating.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

I'm familiar with the concept of polyamory.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, well, polyfidelity is the fucktarded effort

to make polyamory exclusive and... and permanent,

or so I've read.

Why are you so afraid of Izzy?

She would freak out if she knew I was talking to you right now.

She hates you.

Your caller ID on her phone is "Dead to Me."

She didn't return her father's calls for over a year,

and he only left her once.

I'm meeting him tonight, by the way.

- That's a big step. - I know.

I've had the engagement ring in my underwear drawer

for five weeks now.

Well, not one to drag your feet, are you, Jack?

Remind me, how quickly did you jump uteruses?

Or... or is it uteri?

Feeling fucking wounded, Em, are you?

Okay, well, look at it from my fucking point of view, okay?

My ex-wife shows up in slippers

to tell me that her new girlfriend

is gonna be escorting her to the Abortion Ball.

- Okay, that's so fucking offensive. - In what fucking way?

In the way that I am fucking pregnant.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Aside from the obvious...

cultural conditioning, insecurity, jealousy,

why do you think polyfidelity is, uh...

"fucktarded"?

Hello?

Izzy?

I'm 38 years old. I live in Seattle,

where I'm gonna be managing partner at my firm.

I'm with a woman who has literally said

on multiple occasions these three words...

- "Babies are gross." - Is that...

- Dr. Trakarsky... - Jesus! Wear a bell.

So sorry. That came out very disrespectful.

Well, is there a respectful way to tell your advisor to wear a bell?

What is she doing here?

Unbelievable.

- What do you want? - I don't know.

That's why I haven't RSVP'd to the Abortion Ball.

Maybe you decided

you didn't want kids when you realized you couldn't have them.

You really think now is the time for "I told you so's"?

Actually, I think this should be the happiest moment

of both of our lives.

Don't have an abortion.

We can figure something out.

Will you at least...

think about it?

I will. I promise.

Don't say anything to Izzy.

Not now.

She and I are just about to go all in together, and...

You are, um...

undecided.

Are you lost?

Couldn't make it in the big city?

Road the rails back to Portland?

These are my driving clothes.

I like to be comfortable.

Well, how 'bout we just cut straight to the part

where you tell me what the fuck is going on?

I am staying at the Carlyle. I went for a walk.

It's right over there, just a mile.

And you wore slippers?

Forgot my sneaks.

Okay.

And you didn't tell Jack you were gonna be in town?

Meeting came together at the last minute, so...

- You can ask him. - Oh. I will.

And maybe I'll give you a call at the Carlyle.

Well, I'm not there. I'm here.

- So... - You know, just to see if you're registered.

Izzy, I don't know why

we can't be amicable.

- I... I know that what happened at the loft... - Look, just stop

dropping in and out of our lives.

Let us move forward.

Okay.

Yeah, 8's good,

assuming Jack's still alive by then.

Oh, no. He's perfectly healthy.

But people inexplicably fall out of windows every day in this country.

Google it.

Okay. Bye.

Hello?

Okay. Okay, Silva. Be cool, be cool.

Just don't be that girl.

Just...

I get... I get that I'm coming off a little nutty over here.

Um, I'm actually caffeine sensitive and I just threw back,

like, four cups of Kenyan Dark, so...

Okay, now I hear you wondering why I would drink four cups

of Kenyan Dark if I have a caffeine sensitivity. Well...

maybe that's why I'm seeing the head shrinker.

Did you ever think of that?

- Hey. - Hi.

- Bumblebutt. - Bumblebutt?

Yeah.

- How was your meeting? - Good. Fine.

- Yeah? - Dad just called.

8 still okay? Are you a steak guy? Is it weird that I don't know that?

Hey, we're all steak guys.

Some of us just pretend we're not

so we can get laid by some pale skinny women.

Hmm.

Speaking of pale, skinny women...

You... you saw Emma, too?

Everyone lived?

- Not in my imagination. - Mm.

"Bitterness is like drinking poison

to kill your enemy," young lady.

- Why you talking like that? - It's a saying.

Uh...

- It felt like it was from the old times. - Okay, so, um, why is, uh,

why is she here again?

She was at a meeting,

- and she's staying at the Carlyle. - Mm.

That's what she said.

- Yeah, that's the gist of it. - Right.

So why is my Spidey sense screaming

that something weird's going down?

I don't know. I mean, you... we've discussed this.

You have no version of a sixth sense at all.

- Right. - You're way below the mean

- when it comes to basic human intuition. - Oh.

So nice try, but off target.

What?

Ow.

Maybe don't shave.

He's the one on trial, not you, right?

- Your dad? Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

I wanna make a good first impression. Maybe I'll show up late,

- you know, sweat pants on, half-drunk. - That's perfect.

- That'd be good, right? - Yeah. It's perfect.

Oh! That...

Okay.

- You're leaving? That's it? - Yeah.

All right.