The Long Kiss Goodnight

Christmas

Christmas

Christmas

Well, it's Christmastime, pretty baby

And the snow is falling on the ground

Christmas

Christmas

Got no sleigh with reindeer

No sack on my back

You're gonna see me coming

In a big, black Cadillac

Oh, it's Christmastime, pretty baby

And the snow is falling on the ground

Mrs Claus is hot!

Well, you've been a real good lover...

My name is Samantha Caine.

At least, I think it is.

You might not believe it to look at me,

but I was born only 8 years ago

on a beach in New Jersey.

I entered the world fully grown,

wearing clothes I don't remember buying.

In the back pocket a single key, filed blank and faceless.

A fitting metaphor, but no help whatsoever. None.

Sometimes I stand naked in the mirror,

try to guess my age.

35, maybe? I have lots of scars.

They call my condition focal retrograde amnesia.

It's no picnic, but I've learned to live with it.

I've got a job I love, been seeing someone

nice guy, good sense of humour.

Oh, mad dogs. Mad dogs.

Hal, I got to tell you.

Of all the Christmas pageants I've ever seen,

this was by far the most recent.

For God's sakes, Sam, I've got teenage girls

playing the Three Wise Men.

What did you expect?

Teenage boys?

I thought they did fine.

It was the first nativity where Joseph stares

at the wise men's tits all night.

Her name is Caitlin,

and when I woke up on that long-ago day,

I was 2 months pregnant with her.

I don't know who her father is. I may never.

I just know she's mine.

His name is Mr Perkins.

My mom named him for me.

Caitlin! Come help in the kitchen!

That's her.

That's who?

Her mom. She's got amnesia.

Swear?

Swear.

Too weird.

Hello, girls.

Caitlin, come help me in the kitchen.

Hurry up, because I forget where it is.

More sugar!

Have a Christmas party night

A mistletoe song for you to sing

With a couple trills to start

Raymond!

If I catch you smoking again,

they'll never find the body.

Do you understand?

Have a cookie.

Attention, attention, s'il vous plat.

As the year draws to a close,

I would like to share with you

just a few things about myself,

things of which I am especially proud.

First, I'm proud to say that I don't smoke,

I don't drink, and I don't swear.

Oh, shit, I do smoke and drink.

Hal!

Block your ears.

Our dear friends, may the best of your past

be the worst of your future.

I'll drink to that.

Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow.

We got the mistletoe.

Oh, sweetie.

Eight years...

Except for my name, all traces are lost.

I used to hire expensive detectives.

Now I'm down to the cheap ones. Doesn't seem to matter.

The woman I was, the one I used to be, she's gone.

I've kissed her goodnight.

Police!

Don't move!

What the hell is this?

Don't give me attitude, sir.

See, you're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass,

and everyone knows, when you make an assumption,

you make an ass out of "u" and "mption".

Now, I'm Sergeant Madigan, Vice,

and if you do cop a 'tude, jerk-off,

I wilI see to it you spend the next 10 years

in prison getting ass-fucked.

If the case is thrown out 'cause my arrest was too violent,

I will personally hire men to ass-fuck you for 10 years.

So if you're an ass-fucking fan,

you go ahead and mouth off.

Meanwhile, you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution.

Officer Donlevy, read him his rights.

What?

His rights.

You have the remight... you have the right to remain silent.

And... anything you say and do

will be held against you...

Hey, you got to listen to me, man. I got a wife.

I've never... This is the first time

I've ever done this, I swear to God.

Sir. Sir! Listen to me.

I can see from your choice here you're not a wealthy man.

Now, in light of the damage this arrest could do to you,

I think we might be able to make some kind of arrangement.

Oh, God!

Got to stop using bums.

Forget that. They looked like cops.

We pulled it off, didn't we?

It was embarrassing.

You want me to hire actors, for chrissake?

These guys are cheap. They work for food.

When they puke all over you, is that like a refund?

Oh, oh, Trin,

I'm pissing myself here you're so funny.

What's this?

I got movement on Samantha Caine.

You're kidding.

Nope. I may have a lead on someone

who rented the amnesia chick an apartment back in '87.

They stilI have some of her stuff.

Get out of here! Where'd that come from?

Lucky break. Old lady just died,

and one of her asshole grandkids

found a credit card in a shoe box

with the name Samantha Caine on it.

Tried to use it at Nordstrom's.

OK, here's what we do.

You get on the phone to amnesia chick.

Tell her we need more cash.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

Hey, that was a really swell party.

Thanks again for the ride.

You and Hal, you've been together now, what?

A couple of years?

How often do you two, uh...

Stick our fingers inside our hands and pull them out again?

Every chance we get.

Earl, do me a favour. Every few words, have some bubbles

come out of your mouth and say, "Hiccup".

God damn it, I am not drunk!

I'll prove it to you.

Hey, come on.

Hey! Stop that!

I'm sorry!

And the fire is slowly dying

And my dear, we're still good-byeing

But as long as you love me so

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

And so much for the skydiving Santa

of Hutchinson County.

Meanwhile, WICC News

journeyed to Honesdale today, where Santa's own Mrs Kringle

turned out to celebrate her hubby's worldwide tour.

And after one look at her,

I'm thinking Santa got what he really wanted this Christmas.

The parade included floats and participants from 4 counties.

Everyone enjoyed themselves,

especially the young and the young at heart.

Up next...

Got to be fuckin' kidding!

No!

No fuckin' way!

It's impossible!

No!

So you rest up.

I'll see you in the morning.

Sweet dreams.

I want a cigarette.

I don't smoke.

You used to.

See how easy it comes back?

I'm coming back.

You know that, don't you?

Name's Charly, by the way.

You're going to love me.

Now, this is the intergalactic slammer

the jail, all right?

Now, this guy here, this is the borium dude.

He's kind of like a dinosaur.

This is his escape chute right here.

He's mean, quick, and he don't take no shit, either.

He can shoot at the guards with his arrow.

Ching! Ching! Ching! It's cool, huh?

Todd, time for dinner.

Now.