Bill Burr: I'm Sorry You Feel That Way

All right, thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you?

What's going on?

Thank you.

It's a pleasure to be here

in the greater Atlanta, Georgia, area, this oasis.

It's nice to be here. I don't know why I came here in June.

It's nice to be here. Wasn't thinking.

Fucking ridiculously hot out there. Just miserable, horrible.

That kind of heat, you understand the racism down here, ya know?

I get it. How would you get along with anybody?

"Look at 'em just over there, drinkin' a cold drink!

Lemonade was made for the white man!"

So...

What the hell have I been doing with my life? Trying to get in shape, man.

But I hate going to the gym, so I decided I'd go veggie twice a week.

It's brutal.

I can only make it till about 5:00.

Five o'clock, that's what I realized about myself, you know that?

Something has to die every day in order for me to live.

Something's got to get its beak chopped off,

its feathers yanked,

uppercut to its jaw, just in order for me to survive.

I'm trying! Couscous and all that shit.

It's awful.

I saw this thing, though. They said if everybody went vegan,

if everybody went vegan or vegetarian, whatever the hell they said.

One of those "V" ones, right?

They said it'll be great for the environment, you know.

I guess there's all this cattle standing around, and when they fart,

the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something.

Right?

They're always doing that shit.

You know, "If everybody went vegan, the air would be...

If everybody drove an electric car,

if everybody just had some snowshoes on."

Right? They just won't come out and say it.

Nobody has the balls to come out and just say, "Look, 85% of you have to go."

- That's it! That is it. -

I have been bitching about the population problem

for three specials in a row.

Waiting...

for some politician to have the balls to bring it up,

but they won't do it, they won't do it.

We live in a democracy. Right?

Can't be honest in a democracy. You need the votes.

You can't run with that as your platform.

Coming out there: "And if elected,

I would implement a program

to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you!

This planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers...

Let me finish!

This will not be arbitrary.

Under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire!

If you did not bring a pencil, you're already out!"

You can't do that.

You got to be nice.

You got to be fuckin' nice, especially this day and age.

Everybody getting in trouble, all these goddamn groups out there,

bitch, moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything.

"We're part of a group, eh."

You gotta apologize.

"I'm sorry to people who own Shar Peis.

I didn't mean to say that it's an ugly-ass dog, nah."

Right?

Fuck you and your group. What about that?

What do you got, two million people in your group?

There's 400 million in this country. Nobody gives a shit.

Right?

Who the fuck joins a group?

"I'm gonna join a group, that's what I'm gonna do today."

Go to meetings. What kind of a fucking loser, right?

That's the same way I look at people who got upset about,

you know, Michael Sam, the gay football player

kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted.

Everybody bitch, moaning and complaining.

It's like, dude, that's what you get for watching the draft, all right?

Now once again, what kind of a fucking loser

just sits there watching round after round?

"The Jets are up next.

I think they need a quarterback.

They need to improve their defensive line."

Dude, that's like going to a graduation ceremony

where you don't know anybody who's graduating.

You're just fucking sitting there.

They're gonna have the whole list the next day.

They'll have everybody. Who drafted who, when.

Fucking got to sit there and watch that shit.

Those stupid interviews.

"Yeah, you're a member of the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?"

"Well, you know, it's a blessing. I want to thank God.

Gonna try to do my best, it's a great organization,

and the same shit the last 80 guys said. So, yeah."

Yeah.

I'm glad he kissed him. He should have fuckin' blown him.

Yeah!

With birthday cake in his mouth and a Santa Claus hat on his head,

just to ruin the entire year.

Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day. You'll keep thinking about it.

Yeah.

Fucking stupid-ass groups.

People apologizing to 'em like they have some sort of power.

Look, if you're being a dick, apologize.

But other than that, yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah.

Everybody getting in trouble, like a bunch of children.

I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard.

She goes, "We like our beer the way we like our violence, domestic."

Right?

Now I got to tell you something. That's a great fucking joke!

There is zero fat on that. You need every word of that joke.

You take one word out, it doesn't work.

It's a perfect joke. So whatever, nobody gives a shit.

One person comes in, they don't like it, they ask the manager to take it down.

He's just like, "That's our sense of humor here.

Have a beer, go fuck yourself. That's what we're doing."

She takes a picture of it, puts it on Facebook.

All of a sudden, people start complaining. They fired the manager and the waitress.

Because of that. Yeah!

I don't understand, like, what do they think is gonna happen

if somebody reads that joke?

Like, you're some guy who would never hit a woman, ya know.

Would never hit a woman. You can't hit women. You honestly cannot.

You ever see how they fall? They fall like toddlers, you know?

It's like they never fell in their life. They never put their hands out.

It's horrific to watch. You can't hit them. Right?

So what are you telling me? Somebody...

you're telling me someone who never hit a woman

is gonna come walking in, read that joke,

you know, just be, "Wait a minute!"

That's the dumbest shit.

They have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women,

people still do it.

What do you think wife beaters are doing when they drive home?

They're like so focused on hitting their wife,

they got blinders on, they're not reading anything?

They don't see the "Don't Hit Your Wife" billboard?

They're still gonna do it.

Did that get too weird for you guys?

Did the church organs make that fucked up like I was up here?

"Make a pledge for Jesus and hit your women."

Ever watch some of those stupid religious shows?

That fucking Joel Osteen, you ever see that guy?

That guy is so full of shit, he doesn't even open his eyes when he's talking.

"Take a pledge for Jesus. Are they still here?"

He doesn't even have the nerve to open his eyes.

"You want some popsicles? Jesus wants you to have some popsicles.

He wants you to have those popsicles."

His fucking electric blue carpet.

Yeah, everybody's getting in trouble 'cause of these goddamn groups.

Look at the amount of old people that got in trouble this year.

Old people get in trouble, right?

That older woman there that makes the cookies

on the Food Network, right?

Yeah, Paula Deen. She got in trouble,

'cause she had this slavery-themed wedding or whatever the hell she did.

In defense of her, you know, you want to have an original wedding.

There's not a lot of themes left, you know?

You got to use the old imagination if you're gonna

try to blow people away with your creativity, right?

I'm actually gonna have a Holocaust- themed pool party later on this summer.

I am.

"Once everyone gets in ze pool, ja."

"It was weird, it was like it was offensive but like refreshing, you know?

I don't know, I don't know how I feel about it."

Yeah, she got in trouble.

The old redneck on Duck Dynasty, that dude got in trouble.

The owner of the Clippers got in trouble.

And I'm not saying what these people did wasn't offensive.

I'm not sayin' that shit.

What pissed me off was at no point during all of these stories

did anybody address their age, you know?

They're fucking old, you know?

What did you think they thought?

You never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question

and all of a sudden, it went down this crazy road?

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's get back to the cookies, Grandma!

Let's leave that shit over here, what the fuck?"

Yeah, they're old.

What did you think they thought?

I mean... I'm gonna be honest with you.

People were too hard on that Clippers guy, man, I'm telling you.

For an 80-year-old white guy, that wasn't that bad. All right?

Dude, he didn't drop the "N" word once.

That's unbelievable for an 80-year-old white guy.

The "N" word should have been carpet-bombed through that whole tape.

He never said it once!

If you go back and listen to that tape... go back and listen to it.

Other than Instagram, he's pretty fucking liberal.

He's like, "You can hang out with them, you can have sex with them,

just don't promote it on Instagram."

Yeah, it was the weirdest, most compartmentalized,

like, racism I ever heard in my life.

Something about Instagram, I didn't get it.

Other than that, he was wide open.

"You can make a snowman with them, go to a water park,

rub your bellies together,

just don't promote it on Instagram."

"Hey, what about Facebook?"

"I don't give a fuck about Facebook!