black-ish

Every garage eventually turns into a family museum

full of forgotten treasures. Oh-ho, babe! Look what I found!

The twins' onesies

from our "we're in the White House" party!

- So cute. Wow. - Oh, wow!

I spilled a whole lot of kir royale on our babies.

And mixed in with all those memories,

there's always something that's better off left buried.

Babe, this entire box is filled with your hair experiments.

Look at this. Oh, relaxer.

All your picks.

Styling "gelée."

- It laid it down. It laid it down. - Yeah, it did, but it's gone now.

But every now and then, amidst the garbage,

you stumble across that one timeless gem.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Look at this.

- Let me see. - Junior's old mitt.

Oh, my goodness.

I remember the day I realized that he was not going to make me

a proud father on the baseball field.

- Oh, wow. They grow up so fast. - I'm telling you.

Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

I'm gonna go play catch with my son before it gets too late,

like "cat's in the cradle."

Hey, Junior! Look what I found in the garage!

Your old baseball...

Dad, no! No!

Go! Go!

Turns out, the cat was out of the cradle,

and it winked right at me.

SO1EO2 "The Talk"

So, after you bailed on the garage,

I gave everything to the gardener,

so don't be surprised if you see Pedro wearing a Jheri Curl.

You okay, babe?

You having a little traffic jam?

I'm fine.

You pulled something playing catch yesterday, didn't you?

Stretching does not make you gay, Dre.

I accidentally walked in on Junior,

as he was engaged... In hand-to-gland combat.

Oh, God.

He's been doing that for a while.

He was even afraid he was gonna break it from doing it too much.

- Adorable. Oh, my God. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He came to you with this?

- Yeah. When we had the talk. - You and Junior had the talk without me?

Babe, how could you keep me out of the sex-talk loop?

Dre, please.

You are uptight with this kind of thing.

I mean, look at the way you wear a towel.

_

_

Just because you grew up in a houseful of naked hippies

doesn't make you Dr. Ruth.

My parents talked to us openly about everything,

and that's why the kids come to me.

- Uh, hmm. - It's what I do, and I do it pretty good.

Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month.

- She's going through a phase. - Uh-huh.

She'll talk to me if it's about something big,

unless you want to talk to her about her menstrual cramps.

- I just might. - Okay.

Right after I get into the sex-talk loop with Junior...

- Mm-hmm. - ... Hater.

Ow!

There's my boy...

A boy about to become a man

with the sexual wisdom only a father can throw down...

After work.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I'm devastated.

- Devastated! - Is everything okay, hon?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh.

It's so not okay.

I mean, I'm seriously gonna cry all night.

Sounds kind of big. You know you can always talk to me.

- I'm fine, mom. - Okay.

Kill me. I can honestly not...

I'm just saying, I'm that type of mom. I'm very open.

You know, my parents never wore clothes, so...

It's nothing.

It's totally world-ending.

- Meet me in the bathroom. Bring tissues. - What...

He actually said that?

Have a great day, sweetheart.

Hey, Dre. How's life?

Ah, well, this L.A. tourism account is really...

No, no, no, no, no. Not work life...

Life life.

You are, uh... you're part of my inner circle now.

Hearing that validates the struggle of my entire journey.

And H.R. says if I occasionally ask about your personal lives,

it reduces the risk of an office shooting.

Okay, well, since you asked, you have a son, right?

- Uh-huh. - How did you go about giving him the talk?

Oh, the "stop being rude to your 26-year-old-stepmother talk"?

It is a minefield.

No, no, no. I mean the sex talk.

Oh, that was easier.

I just told him what my father told me.

- What? - "Out of state, out of mind."

You know, my pops never gave me the talk.

Hell, I didn't see him without his shoes on till I was 30.

Oh, well, don't worry, Dre. You got this.

You'll figure it out. You always do.

Mom...

I know I'm in your space.

Just ignore me while I put away all your clothes for you.

No, um, do you remember that thing I was talking about in the car this morning?

Um... I think so. Maybe.

I could really use your advice.

Oh!

Well, I'm sure I could squeeze you in before I go in there

and scrape the boogers off Jack's headboard.

Okay, well, listen to this craziness.

- So, this girl said I took... - I knew she'd come to me.

Why wouldn't she? I'm such a good mom.

She's lucky to have me.

"Zoey hasn't said two words to you all month."

Suck it, Dre.

- Anyway, what should I do? - What, now?

About everything I just said.

You got any advice?

Uh... whew.

It's a lot to chew on.

It's like... it's a lot of facets to this one.

You know, it's like a little diamond. I'm gonna... I'm gonna get back to you.

I'm gonna think about it, so... okay?

I'll be right back. I'm gonna get back to you.

- Oh, you tweaked your neck again, huh? - Huh?

See, that's 'cause you don't stretch.

- I know it looks a little gay, but it works. - What?

I'm about to go upstairs and give Junior the talk.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey, pops,

- how come you never gave me the talk? - I most certainly did.

I mean, what do you think that box of condoms I left in your bedroom was about?

That was it?

Oh, you wanted a hug, too? Son, listen to me.

Don't get all caught up in this "have an open dialogue with your kids" hoopla.

It's not natural.

Show me one place in the Bible where a kid talks.

And for God's sake, put some shoes on.

So, nobody was any help... Pops, my boss.

I was on my own with Junior.

Hey, son! It's your father!

I'm coming in in 5... 4...

Come in, dad.

Whoo. Okay.

I'm sorry about yesterday. I guess I should have locked the door.

All right. No need to apologize. You're a man, and that's what men do.

Not me as much.

Let's talk about it... Anything and everything.

Let's get our sex talk on.

Oh, uh, mom covered it all pretty good.

Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees,

but I'm your daddy, son, and I'm here to keep it one hundred.

All right, despite the fact that your mother thinks I'm uptight.

Cray-cray, right?

I'm comfortable.

I'm gonna show you how comfortable I am.

Mm-hmm.

What's that?

Just a comfortable man with no shirt on,

talking to his son about nasty stuff.

Ooh, really feeling the A.C. in here.

Am I standing under a vent?

Trying to do telekinesis again?

You don't have it.

I left my karaoke mike in there,

but I heard dad's giving Junior "the talk."

What talk?

I don't know.

So, let's talk next level.

So, what's it like, having sex?

Whoa! Just gonna...

Just gonna jump right in there like that, huh, son?

Okay, uh, I guess we're really doing this, huh?

Let me figure this out. Uh...

Well, where do we start?

Body spray. Bad name. All right?

Son, if you want to attract a woman,

you never spray this on your body.

All right? You just spray it in the air like that.

And you walk through it.

Whoo! That's cold.

Kind of tingles when you're topless.

You getting all this, son? You need a notebook or something?

I want the talk.

Me too. I need the talk.

I think he's getting it because he's always in his room with the door closed.

Oh, really?

Well, three can play at that game.

Now what?

Now we wait.

But your date could keep kosher,

so don't lean too heavy on the Oyster card.

All right? Hey, don't worry.

It all gets easier when you can drink.