In Living Color

Well, now that the F.D.A. Has banned silicone breast implants...

I better call the doctor and have them removed.

Wait.! Stop what you're doing.

Why? These are no good for me.

That's what you think.

But did you know you could be throwing away hours of fun?

But I can't keep these. Silicone isn't safe.

No, not silicone ... SillyCone.

Yes, like Silly Putty, SillyCone is the breast you can play with.

Take it on thejob to relieve stress.

Copy your favorite comic strip.

- - They're great fun at birthday parties.

You can even make them do tricks.

SillyCone comes in three sizes: Bouncy, meaty and grandma.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- -

Hey! How you doin'?

Who would've ever thought that Miss Benita'd turn out to be...

the delegate representin' the Hopkins Projects?

Course, I always been one to better myself.

Mm-hmm. Honey, when them other heifers were out runnin' numbers and eatin' Scooter Pies...

Miss Benita was out registerin' voters for the Rainbow Coalition.

That's right. Honey, I dropped out of grade school so I could earn some money for college.

Oh! Oh, lookie there!

There go Paul Tsongas! There go Paul Tsongas!

Oh, he's a fine man, fine man.

Honey, overcoming that dreadful disease to run for office... Oh, boy.

And he was in the hospital with all them operations.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Surgeons removed everything but the ugly.

What Mr. Tsongas really needs is a "face-ectomy."

The man's so ugly, when he was born...

the doctors almost circumcised the wrong end.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.

No, you...

Oh, look at this! Bill Clinton!

Hey, Bill! Hey, Bill, I know you hear me. Bill!

Oh, you know, honey, all that dirt on Bill Clinton...

you know, the extramarital affair, theJesseJackson thing?

None of that mean he can't be a good president.

Mm-hmm. Honey, you talk about Bill Clinton, you ask Miss Benita...

and Miss Benita says, "Now there goes a good candidate."

Candidate for penicillin.

Honey, that man done seen more drawers than a panty shield.

That's the first man I know to discover Victoria's secret.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me. No, you haven't.

Course, as much as I love my Democrats...

they gonna have some stiff competition from the Republicans this year...

Mm-hmm. Especially with that Pat Buchanan up for office.

You know Pat Buchanan, the man who used to have that show Crossfire?

Oh, yeah. Honey, I loves me some Crossfire.

I watch that show every night.

I just wish he'd get that cross fire off my front lawn.

Honey, that man ain't nothin' but David Duke without the tummy tuck.

You put that cracker in office, and come Christmas...

there's gonna be a lot more than tinsel hanging off the White House tree.

I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me. No, you haven't.

Course, as many competitors as they have...

it's gonna be hard for anybody to get into office now...

because of the fine job that Mr. George Herbert Walker Bush is doin'.

That's right, honey. Him and Barbara Bush, the first lady.

First grandlady is more like it.

Now, I knew Bush was tight with Uncle Sam...

but he didn't have to up and marry him.

Honey, the only thing in worse shape than this economy is her booty.

That butt hangs so low it sweeps up after itself.

And that Vice President Quayle... that Vice President Quayle is so dumb...

he need a tutor to read Bush's lips.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.

No, you haven't. Mm, mm, mm.

That's right, honey. Come November...

ain't no doubt who Miss Benita's gonna vote for.

That's right, honey.

Miss Benita gonna write in a vote for Miss Jenkins, honey.

'Cause Miss Jenkins is like a mama to me, honey.

I loves me some Miss Jenkins.

Don't nobody better say nothing bad about Miss Jenkins, honey.

Nobody... That's right.

Miss Jenkins gonna put some excitement back in the White House.

Just don't let her use the bathroom in the Oval Office.

Woman'll stink it up so bad they'll put that wall back up in Germany.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.

Oh, look! There goes Gary Hart!

Gary! Gary! Gary!

Hey! I'm Crazy Tom down here at Crazy Tom's Appliances.

You in the market for a stereo, VCR or big-screen TV?

Well, what ya waitin' on? Come on down here and make yourself a deal...

before my medication wears off.

Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah. I'm on medication.

Take a look at this here. A Hitachi 45-inch big-screen TV...

complete with remote control and Dolby speakers.

Now, what do you think something like this go for?

$5,000? Nope. A thousand dollars? Uh-uh.

Try, uh, $1.50. Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah.

How can we do it? I just told you. I'm crazy!

So come on down and meet some of my crazy salespeople. Tell 'em what we got, Lennie.

We have these beautifulJ.V.C. Amplifiers on sale today...

meat pie.

So you might want to come down because I can give you one heck of a...

rabbit... deal.

So be sure to ask for me, Lennie. Hope to see ya!

Cock-a-doodie.

Oh, man! Man, we even take trade-ins.

- We'll take anything! - Hey, will you take this bottle?

Sure! Grab yourself a VCR.

He made... He made himself a good deal.

Now let me introduce you to our lovely cashier.

Go ahead. Tell 'em how many stereos we've sold this week.

642, definitely. 642...

Oh! 3:00,Judge Wapner's on. Doug Luellen, Doug Luellen, Doug Luellen.

Right. Thank you, Rain Woman.

Hey, man. You got no money, pay me later.

We've been serving the community since 19... last Friday. Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah.

You know, people always come up to me. They say, "Crazy Tom?"

I say, " What?" They say, " How can you sell all that high-quality merchandise...

at such a low, low price and still make a profit?"

I don't!

I'm crazy!

Crazy Tom's Going Out of My Mind Sale ...

Open seven days a week, midnight to 6:00 a.m.

Crazy Tom's ... We're slashing prices.!

Uh, hello. My name is LaShawn, and I will be your tour guide...

for the Native American art exhibit.

The rules are as follows. Pay attention 'cause I only say things once.

So don't be talking while I'm talking, or better yet, just don't say nothing.

Now, we will get started as soon as the rest of us get here.

Oh, l... I'm so sorry.

I was just admiring that beautiful piece of work back there.

- Did you realize that the Cherokee Indians never... - Uh-huh.

Look, I'm sure you came here with a wealth of information to share with us today...

but, uh, if you don't mind, your trip to Little Big Horn is not on my schedule.

Uh, can we move right along?

Uh, this was done in 1894 by the artist Running Feather.

You know, actually, I'm well acquainted with her work.

- She didn't pick up a paintbrush until she was 57 years old. - My goodness.

Oh, I could be wrong, but last time I checked...

I was working alone.

Uh, now if you feel that you can enrich the lives of this tour group so much...

you could just go back downstairs and fill out an application.

Okay, can we please move on?

Whoa! What's this?

Are you blind? That's a bow and arrow.

Uh... Uh, excuse me!

Did you see a sign that said you could take some pictures?

- Well, I was just taking... - Just answer the question.

I was just taking pictures for my wife. Me and my wife, we met at a museum.

- Oh, that's nice. - Oh, that is beautiful and romantic.

I'm sure that Chuck Woolery would be very touched to hear your story...

but since we don't care about you or your wife...

- - You don't come in here with that.

Does this look like your home?

Do you see rats and roaches and an eviction sign somewhere?

I didn't think so.

Come in here like Buffy and Jody out of the projects.

There you go. I'm so sorry.

They're usually very well behaved children. Just a little mischievous...

- like their mom! - Mm-hmm.

Uh, well, that is so heartwarming...

it makes me want to get pregnant and go through nine hours of labor...

just so I can know what you talkin' about.

But, um, if your little angels are so well behaved...

why come they runnin' round here like they at a special at Kmart or something?

Oh, my God. Come on, children. Let's get out of here.

I don't want you around somebody with such a funky attitude.

Oh, no, 'cause I will snatch you and your kids!

Hey! Can... Can we get on with this?

Excuse me, but for your information, my name is not "Hey."

If you can read, the name tag says "LaShawn."

If you have a problem with that, see my supervisor.

And if you lookin' for some hay, I suggest you go check the stable.

Look at this artwork. The texture is just so lifelike.

Wow. It's amazing how they make this in such detail.

And just what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just trying to get a better feel of the texture.

- This is an incredible piece of work. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's cool and everything.

I'm sure scientists from all over the world are just dyin' to come over here...

and do research on your incredible sense of touch.

But, um, as far as our policy goes here...

Uh..." Nice to look at, nice to hold.

If you break it, consider it sold."

Now, on the next part of the tour...

you're gonna be seein' some Hopi Native American art...

um, basic pottery, everyday hunting tools, religious artifacts...