Two and a Half Men

Lyndsey and I have decided to live together.

End of an era, huh, Charlie?

From now on, no brother, no nephew...

just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices

of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.

Alan, dinner's on the table!

Hey, I noticed this old pipe on the mantle.

It's a beauty.

Oh, it was my grandfather's.

Oh, wow, they don't make 'em like this anymore.

So now that he's gone,

what are you gonna do with that empty room?

Uh... why do you ask?

I was just thinking, it might be nice

to spend the occasional weekend here on the beach.

Well, from now on, this house is your home.

Do you smell something burning?

* Men.

Whoo, what a day.

Mmm-hmm.

Who could've seen this one coming?

Oh, please-- after seven years, you know,

I finally move out of your house,

and within two days, I burn my new home down.

You can't write this stuff.

I could if I used your skin for paper and your blood for ink.

I just want you to know that as soon as we get

the insurance money and repair the fire damage,

Lyndsey and the boys and I will be out of your hair for good.

Unless, of course, you burn her house down again.

Funny.

See? That's what we need at times like this-- laughter.

I'm gonna take that as laughter!

Trust me, Eldridge is a great kid,

and you're gonna love Lyndsey.

If you can open up your mind just a little,

you will really enjoy having them here.

Damn it, Eldridge! Why the hell did you try

to flush a washcloth down the toilet?!

I'm not enjoying it yet, Alan.

Charlie, you got a mop?

Laundry room. Thank you.

Need any help, sweetie?

No, but if I need my house burned down again,

I'll let you know.

See? She is keeping

a sense of humor about it.

You've ruined my entire life, you know that?

You're right, I like her.

We've got a lot in common.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

What do you want me to tell you, Chris?

If you want to see your son,

you're gonna have to come to Malibu.

Oh, grow up!

You think I planned to have the house burn down?

It was an accident!

It was, you know.

Drop dead!

Whoo, I'd say she's a little miffed with your dad.

I'd say she wants to tear him a new one.

Hey! watch your language.

What'd I say?

New one.

Mmm, honey, honey,

uh, just a little heads up,

um, the boys could hear you out there.

I don't give a rat's ass what they can hear!

His father's a jerk and you burned down my freakin' house!

Our house.

Dear God, stop talking.

Aw, damn!

Hey, Berta.

Bet you're surprised to see me back.

It's my own fault. I let myself believe.

Well, I want you to meet my girlfriend Lyndsey.

And this is her son Eldridge.

And they're gonna be staying with us for a little while.

What'd he do, burn down your house? (laughs)

It was an accident!

Hello, everyone.

I hope you all slept well.

If there's anything I can do

to make your stay here more comfortable,

please be sure to tell me.

Thank you, Charlie. That is so...

Uh! He doesn't mean it.

Hey, Uncle Charlie?

Yeah?

You miss me?

He missed me.

* Men.

Honestly, I don't see why you can't live here.

You're kidding, right?

There's no roof.

So wear a hat.

My great grandmother's candlesticks.

Oh, Lyndsey, I'm sorry.

She smuggled these out of Denmark

when the Nazis invaded.

Really? Where'd she hide 'em?

Charlie, don't go there.

Oh, like I'm the only one?

Look at the bright side.

Even though we've lost some material items,

the important thing is we're all safe

and we've still got each other, right.

You're making my skin crawl.

Hey, guys... smile.

It's for your Christmas card.

All my stuff is wrecked.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Sorry isn't gonna bring back

my guitar or my X-Box

or the history paper that's due tomorrow

that I totally had finished.

Where's Eldridge?

He's drying out his weed in the backyard.

Weed?!

Wii.

Nintendo Wii.

I better go help him.

I could use a little Wii right now.

Is this my Armani jacket?

Oh! Oh, yeah. You know,

I don't know how that got in with my things.

I was gonna bring it back.

But now that you're here,

why don't you just take it with you?

Saves me the trip.

You know what? Happy birthday.

Not much of a birthday present.

Ding-dong.

Hi, neighbor.

We saw your cars out front.

Hey, Judith.

Incredible, huh?

Wow, this place is a wreck.

But still livable.

What are you gonna do?

Well, till the place gets fixed up,

we're all staying in Malibu with Charlie.

Really?

All of you...

at Charlie's? What are you smiling about?

You know what I'm smiling about.

Well, I hope the repairs go quickly

so we get you back here real soon.

Thanks. I'm gonna miss

your friendly face every morning

when I'm getting the paper.

Every morning?!

Our schedules synch up

when I'm doing my power walk.

Power walk?

What are you smiling about?

You know what I'm smiling about.

Hey! My pipe survived!

It's like a miracle.

Filthy habit.

* Men.

Oh, look, look, look-- The Towering Inferno ison.

No?

Oh! Stephen King's Firestarter.

No?

All right.

How about Blazing Saddles?

Too soon?

You guys are no fun.

I'm gonna call a hooker.

Charlie, there's two young boys in the house.

Let 'em get their own hookers.

Charlie, for God's sake.

Don't worry. I'm a responsible uncle.

That's nice to know.

I promise I'll get a quiet prostitute.

Believe it or not,

that's a real concession on his part.

Now where is my phone?

Oh, right, I must've left it in

the charred-but-still-very- livable remains of your house,

which he burned down.

You're gonna go over there now?

All my hooker numbers are in that phone.

So unless you wanna have sex with me

for $1,000 an hour, I need the phone.

You don't really think he'd give me $1,000 an hour?

If I were you, I'd get the money up front.

* Men.

Ah... there we are.

(to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"):

* A-B-C-D-E-F-G-...

* H...

Hookers.

Hookers, hookers, hookers...

Lookin' for a quiet hooker.

Ah, there we go: "Silent Betty."

Not a lot of coverage in here.