Family Guy

I thought I'd seen it all.

But that's the thing about Quahog.

You never know what's hiding under the hard shell of a clam.

The Great Depression hit the town hard.

FDR announced we had nothing to fear but fear itself.

The only thing we have to fear

is fear itself.

And, also, bees.

Or when a man has a beard and then shaves it.

'Cause I don't recognize him immediately.

If I watched him shave it, it would be different.

If I saw the process.

And there's this guy Hitler we should probably keep an eye on.

But mostly bees.

It was also the height of Prohibition.

Water or seltzer, anyone?

Which of course meant drinking was very cool,

and everyone did it all the time.

And of course, there was racism.

A lot of it. It was horrible.

Except for the laundromat, which served everyone.

Thanks for doing my undergarments.

They were really nice.

So, who am I?

The name's Mac. Mac Bookpro.

And I'm a private dick.

A very private dick.

And don't listen.

My office was in the CocaineCola building.

All the businessmen there had ideas for other businesses.

Well, Mac, what did you find out?

Now hold on, it's 8:00 a.m. and we're two men in a room.

Let me fix you a drink.

So, I tailed your wife.

Sorry, pal, she's having an affair.

Ah, too bad.

I guess she's the maple, but I'm the sap.

There you go. You're gonna be okay.

But it's 8:00 a.m., and you're a man about to get in a car.

Let me fix you another drink.

Thanks, Mac. I owe you one.

Mr. Bookpro?

Yes, Ms. Patbottom?

Oh, Mr. Bookpro.

My secretary, Fanny Patbottom.

She's my gal Thursday.

She has choir practice Fridays.

She's, uh, not available to me then.

Now, a couple of items of business.

First, we're going to have to postpone

today's tangling of the Venetian blinds.

I think we're gonna have to start sending the schedule

the night before.

Also, there's a woman here to see you.

May I come in, Mr. Bookpro?

I'll never forget the day she walked through my door.

Ah, damn it. And this was the smallest brim they had.

The name's Hedy. Hedy Toothgraze.

She was the type of girl who really left a mark on you.

Please, have a seat.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

I'm afraid I do.

Totally understand.

So, we're two people in a room at 8:04 a.m.

Let me fix you a drink.

So, Mr. Bookpro, I'm here because my daughter is missing.

She's a nun.

Frankly, we weren't that close.

I gave her to the Church after my husband died in the war.

So, will you take the case?

I wasn't sure I could trust her, but I needed the dough.

My rent was two bucks a month

and I still owed 50 cents on my car.

Since the missing gal was a nun,

I decided to start at the Church.

Greetings, my son.

Cardinal St. Louis, likely bad guy.

Mac Bookpro.

Sorry to bother you about a case, Padre.

Do you want to talk here,

or should I come inside your rectory?

Okay, Groucho, calm down.

I'm here looking for a nun. Recognize her?

Of course, that's Sister Megan.

She runs the church orphanage.

And how about this photo?

I don't know.

Any dunking photo where you don't see the ground

is very suspicious. I see.

So, when was the last time you saw the sister?

In the church garden, wearing giant nun boots

and trying to step on squirrels.

Yeah, that checks out.

If you think of anything, here's my card.

"To my beloved niece."

Aw, and he wrote his own note

instead of just signing his name.

I like that guy now. He cares.

Hey, Mac.

Well, if it isn't my old pal Red Wiener?

Red was the best newspaper guy out there.

Except when the newspaper was rolled up,

then he was kind of scared.

So, what's got you sniffing around here today, Fido?

Same as you, pal. Sister Megan.

I heard you talking to the cardinal.

Well, get this: she called me a few days ago

and said she had a big story.

We were supposed to meet at a speakeasy,

but she disappeared before we could get together.

A nun at a speakeasy? That doesn't figure.

Maybe we should check it out. You got it.

Say, can we go to the next scene with one of those

cinematic sideways wipes they used to do in the '30s?

I don't know, I did a sideways wipe this morning.

I don't recommend it.

Not a good way to make friends on the trolley.

What's the word?

Bird. Bird is the word.

Welcome to The Sunken Clam.

What can I get you fellas?

Two thisperiod fashioneds, please.

We're looking for a girl who was supposed to show here.

You ever seen her?

Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell.

Well, no one has any idea what happened to her.

Not even her boss, the cardinal.

The cardinal? Let me tell you, that priest is a shady cat.

I heard that when the state voted on Prohibition,

he rigged the vote to get alcohol banned.

I tell you, something's going on at that church,

and I'm not gonna rest until I get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, I'm with you, pal.

Two more Black girls recently went missing.

Maybe you can look into that, too?

Oh, boy, you know, I am just so busy... Yeah, I am absolutely swamped.

...with this Sister Megan thing. Just buried in paperwork.

With the case heating up,

I decided to visit my friend down at the station.

I hadn't been back since they kicked me off the force.

For years they'd been letting horses poop on the street.

But I do it one time and I'm out.

But I still had one friend there.

My old buddy Ace.

Ace Hardware.

So, Mac, what brings you here?

Looking for a girl. A girl, huh?

Yeah. You know, a skirt, a bird, a twist, a roundheel.

I spent most of my time at the library looking up synonyms.

She's a nun. Sister Megan.

I think the cardinal had something to do

with her disappearance. Oh, the cardinal?

I'd be careful if I were you.

He's a heavy hitter in this town.

A big cheese, a head honcho, a real butter and egg man.

I also spent most of my time at the library

looking up synonyms.

If I were you, I'd wheel away from this one.

Wheel far, far away.

The cops and the cardinal were both dead ends.

I was starting to wonder whether the sister

was even missing.

And then, a couple of friends pulled up.

They cornered me in Kirstie Alley,

the widest alley in Quahog.

Hey, Mac. Fancy meeting you here.

Well, if it isn't Bogey and Bacaw.

Oof.

I hear you've been snooping around

the disappearance of a nun.

Well, I didn't mean to ruffle anyone's feathers.

Oof again.

You used to be smarter than this, Mac.

Before you got kicked off the force,

you knew how to play ball.

But now, here we are.

Luckily, they let me go with a warning.

My shadow wasn't so lucky.

My cop friend told me to stay away from the case,

and I was starting to think he was right.

But then I got the call I'd been dreading.

Hello?

American Dad's been picked up for three more seasons?

God, when do I get a weekend?

Then I got another call.

They found Sister Megan.

Well, one thing's for sure.

We've got a killer shark on our hands.

Close the beaches.

I can't believe my daughter's dead.

Doctor, are there any leads from the body?

Anything that can tell us who did this?

Well, not yet, but I've sent some DNA samples to the lab.

When will we get the results? About 65 years.

Nuts. I did find one thing, though.

There was a roll of camera film hidden in her waistband.

Thanks, Doc. Maybe it's a clue.

No problem, Mac. But there is one more thing.

Uh...

Uhp. Nope, no. I lost it.