M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all surgical personnel,

report to operating room.

Incoming casualties arriving by chopper,

ambulance, and jeep.

It's gonna be a big one, folks.

‐How do I know you mean it? ‐Look, honest.

I haven't been in love in two or three days.

Right after this shift, huh?

I know a tent with a gypsy violinist

and a fortune teller who reads army boots.

I've got nothing to wear.

Now I know I'm in love.

We got customers.

You didn't get home last night.

Where were you?

There's ten bucks for anyone who can tell me.

You certainly were feeling no pain at the club.

Just because he tried to eat the cherries

out of a slot machine?

I didn't. Embarrassing.

Not at all. At closing time,

you slipped a nurse over your shoulders

‐and left like a perfect gentleman. ‐Terrific.

I just want you to‐‐ You got this, Radar?

I don't wanna run out of anything.

‐Pierce, McIntyre‐‐ ‐I checked supply, sir.

‐It's gonna be a big one. ‐It's gonna be a big one.

‐They're sending extra blankets. ‐We may need extra blankets.

I've cleared the roads for the ambulances.

Don't want to block the ambulances.

I'll get on this.

Let's get on this right away.

Looks like this kid was playing beanbag

with a hand grenade.

Number 10 blade.

Number 10 blade.

We've got a repeater here.

These look like your stitches, Hawk.

If they look like stitches, he isn't mine.

Pierce, you need a modesty transplant.

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

Got enough thumbs over there, Colonel?

Send a case of thumbs to that table with my compliments.

I don't happen to think that's funny, Captain.

How'd you like to step outside, lady?

May I have your attention, please?

Stop bleeding for a minute.

My personal tortoise‐shell scrub brush,

given to me by my lovely mother,

with my initials in gold leaf,

is missing out of the scrub room... again!

Did you look in your last patient, Frank?

That's how most of your stuff leaves here.

Oh, very comical. If I had a sleeve, I'd laugh up it.

Colonel, Major Burns is being abused again.

Cut that out, Frank.

How many wounded we got out there, Frank?

30, 40. More comin'.

Come on, Ginger. Move it, honey.

Checkout time is 3:00.

Easy.

What do we have here?

Ethiopian soldier.

Boy, did he take a wrong turn.

Multiple fragment wounds. Okay.

Margaret, you're fantastic.

Fits me like a glove.

Looks like a long session, sir.

Would you like to have the sound from the movie piped in?

That's good thinking, Radar.

Klinger, take that dress off at once.

Not in front of Trapper. He's a married man.

You're gonna be fine, fella.

That's easy for you to say.

Uh, here's some coffee, Hawkeye.

And your razor.

Uh, we used all the hot water on the instruments.

Radar, when this is all over,

the two things I'm gonna miss the most

are you and dysentery.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Anything else you want me to get you

while I'm on the get?

Bring me a Maine lobster...

about a three‐pounder.

Some drawn butter,

bedspring French fries,

and a liter of the house white wine.

Make sure you don't bring it from the lab.

Will that be all?

Yeah, that should about do it.

Send the bill to MacArthur.

He can deduct it as an entertainment expense.

Yeah, okay, well, I gotta get goin'.

Uh, some, uh, personnel is donating blood,

and I promised the donors doughnuts.

Run along, Andy.

How we doing, Chief?

So far, two thoracotomies, a bowel resection,

‐a splenectomy‐‐ ‐And a partridge in a pear tree.

I must have used a half a mile of silk in there.

Hey, I don't wanna be a back‐seat doctor,

but do you know you dropped your hardware three times?

What, are you keeping score, hotshot?

Doctor... doctor.

Uh, the Ethiopian, sir,

wants to say something to the doctor.

I think he's thanking you.

Well, that's Haile Selassie of you, sir.

Keep him warm.

That's gotta be the nicest fee I ever got.

How long have you had this?

Had what? I just get cramps in there.

‐Don't you ever? ‐Oh, are you kidding?

I'm the cramp champ. I'm the camp cramp champ.

I can tell the onset of arthritis.

Arthritis?

Yeah, you remember from medical school?

"Arthritis." Came right after "Acne,"

right before "Arrangements for time payments."

It's just fatigue. It comes and goes.

Henry, this could be your ticket home.

I'll sign the diagnosis,

we'll stick it in your belly button, and you're off.

Pierce, I'll level with you.

I've got a great practice back home.

They all come to see me.

I'll bet there's no one in Bloomington, Illinois,

that I haven't seen naked.

But, uh, it's routine.

Cookbook medicine?

Yeah.

Yep, but this place, this place,

which has all the attraction of a lanced boil,

has given me the opportunity to do more doctoring

than I can do in a lifetime back in the world.

Wars don't last forever, Henry, only war does.

One day you're gonna have to go back home

and die in your bed in Bloomington.

I've done that several times.

One extra brandy at the club,

and I have to leave an I. O. U. on my wife's pillow.

I must say, señora,

that's the best meal I've ever eaten.

It's the least I can give you

for an afternoon of great emotion.

You followed your star yesterday.

‐You were inspired. ‐Mmm.

Who wouldn't be inspired? I'd seen you.

What is that?

Blood and Sand. Tyrone Power, Rita Hayworth.

The Frank and Hot Lips of old Seville.

Father, over here.

You got the I. V.?

Yes, Trapper?

He wants to write a letter before we put him under.

Go ahead, son.

Are you a priest?

Very much so.

That cross doesn't mean there's a railroad ahead.

It's to my wife Mary Ellen.

Okay?

You're the only one I ever loved, honey.

That girl in Tokyo didn't mean a thing to me.

It was just one of those things.

Go ahead.

Same goes for that girl in Okinawa.

And those two in Honolulu.

When did you find time to get wounded?

Bye‐bye.

Don't send it, Father. He's gonna pull through.

Unless his wife gets that letter.

Right.

(movie dialogue continues on P. A.)

Can we turn that hogwash off?

‐Yes, sir. ‐(P. A. off)

‐Uh, Colonel? ‐Yo.

The cook says, since everyone's gonna be in here tonight,

should he make cold food instead of hot?

His hot food is usually cold enough for me.

Hot food, cold food, movies.

‐Retractor. ‐Retractor.

So unprofessional in here.

I protest all these distractions!

Hear, hear! Mostly, I protest

the wearing of falsies in the O. R.

I wish you'd cut it out, Frank.

You're driving me crazy.

Don't let him razz you, Frank.

‐Oh, shut up. ‐Frank!

Well, it's not an easy job taking out a man's kidney.

Trap.

Put a pressure dressing on this, babe.

Do we got X‐rays on this?

Let's see the kidney, Frank.

Well, this kidney's none of your business.

I don't come to your table and mess with your organs.

Frank, look at the X‐ray.

This guy's only got one.

One kidney? I‐‐