The Detour

Is that...

Gummy-bear.

How are you? Robin: Jack?

Hey, have you heard from our -- our kids?

Nate: Hey, uh... Mr. Randall.

Nate Parker here, uh, Robin's husband.

Uh, uh, we're just calling all our family members

to see if the kids have checked in.

You know, it's just what you do when they go --

What was that?

Has someone tapped the phone?

Mom! Get off the phone, please! We're on it.

Please tell me this line is secure.

Hi. It's Helen. What's the soup tonight?

Mom, get off the phone!

You want to call me back at a more convenient time?

No, I don't want to wander all the way down the hall

for that mop water you call hot and sour.

What's the soup?

It's chicken noodle. Oh, that's great. That's her favorite.

I don't know what the soup is. Well, don't lie to her about the soup.

It's important. It's not!

Oh, I'm sorry.

So, if you were expecting chicken noodle

and some stringy garbage like vegetable medley shows up,

you're not gonna be pissed about it?

We're looking for our ch-- Jack?

Has either Delilah or Jared contacted you?

Uh, they have, yeah. Twice, in fact.

About a year ago at the Canadian border,

the girl came to see me about a job,

but she wasn't cut out for it.

She's not like you. Her moral compass is too strong.

She also doesn't have your natural gift

for sociopathic deception.

Nate's Mom: What's the chicken tonight?

General Tso's chicken, lady.

Don't do that voice.

Thank you, Ling.

Mom, that wasn't Ling!

Sounds like Ling!

Mom!! Get off the phone!

Jack, when was the second time

you heard from Delilah?

Uh...

yesterday.

She's on her way here, to Russia.

I think she's bringing the boy.

Why wouldn't you call me?!

Because she told me not to.

She doesn't want to see you.

She's my daughter.

Uh-huh. And you're my daughter.

And the last time we spoke, you said, and I quote,

"Stay out of my life, you meddling old man.

Don't ever contact me again."

And I respected that.

All right, well, I'm nothing like you.

Oh, but you are.

Nobody escapes who they really are.

Are those gunshots? I tell you, Ling,

the way this neighborhood is going,

I wouldn't be surprised.

There were some negro children playing hopscotch suspiciously,

and I -- Get off the phone!

And I called...

Listen, I'll keep my eye open for the kids,

but I got to be honest with you,

my hands are really full right now.

Not the Taurus.

Shit.

Hello?

Oh, hey, there. It's Nate Parker calling.

What's the dessert tonight?

We don't want orange slices and milk again.

It's not dessert. I know.

We ordered the Golden Nosh plan,

and that comes with, at least, babka or hamantaschen.

Uh, what is hamantaschen?

[ Theme song sung in foreign language ]

Would you get a haircut

or at least buy a hat to get it out of your eyes?

Okay, relax, Mom.

Don't ever call me that. I'm nothing like her.

That woman is a sociopathic liar

who would say anything to get what she wants.

Well, hello, there.

You two looking for your parents?

No, I'm a palliative caregiver, and my patient here

doesn't have too much time left.

He always wanted to see Red Square.

What are the chances we can get on a flight to Moscow?

You're pretty young to be a doctor.

You're pretty "in a vest" to be a nosy douche.

Okay.

Well, I've got something for ya.

Looks like we're gonna getcha there.

Well, good, 'cause that's your job.

No direct, unfortunately. How 'bout a one-stopper?

That would be great, thanks.

That would be great if I could find that.

Which I can't.

I do, however, have a two-plus stop.

How many stops is that, "Welcome to Walmart"?

It's just a vest. They make me wear it.

And it's nine stops.

You know what? You're nothing like Mom at all.

She would have told him he looked hot in that vest,

and we would have gotten there direct.

Nine stops?! That is miserable.

Why didn't you do your thing? What thing?

You know, your thing. This thing.

How am I supposed to show my tits

to an international ticket database?

I don't know, I'm not the sociopath.

All right. Easy with that. Okay, let's find another airline, and --

Oh, shit.

This guy. Well, yo ho ho, and a bottle of dumb.

I get it. I get it.

That's a reference to me. Because I'm the ho.

And he's the bottle of dumb.

I mean, it's funny, 'cause it's true,

'cause he's so dumb.

Yeah, I know, right?

What are you doing?

Gene here is taking his handsome man trip

to Russia. Handsome man.

That's a, uh... charter flight?

Charter flight. Charter flight.

There's plenty of room on those things for anybody.

Plenty of room for you.

Oh, God, for me.

Let's do this.

Excuse me, sir.

God damn it. She is good.

Coats, watches, jewelry, shoes, and belts

must all come off and go into the bin.

Coats in the bin, shoes on the belt,

jewelry in the bins, belts on the belts.

Lace-up boots? That's such a rookie move.

And change? Who the hell brings change?

Medallion Plus members shouldn't have to endure this.

Any liquids in your bag, ma'am?

Of course, gotta stay hydrated.

All liquids must be dumped in the garbage, ma'am.

Wait. It's just water.

Why can't I bring water? This guy brought water one time,

and didn't know there was actually a bomb in it.

Have you never flown before?

Only private, douche.

Secondary!

Okay, ma'am, now with my prayer hands,

I will run them down your sternum

between your mammary glands.

I don't think it's the government's job

to harass pretty little white girls.

I'm tired of it. Yeah, we're tired of it.

You say that out loud, and they call you a "racist."

And let you for "not reflecting the views of America."

Now with the backs of my thumbs,

I will be tracing the outline of the mons veneris

down and parallel to your labial folds.

I mean, what have you ever done to anyone

with that milky alabaster skin?

And now, with bear claw hands, as to remain professional

and not accidentally insert any digits in your anal cavity,

I will be applying gentle pressure here.

You know what -- Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

Just get right up in there. Feel anything?

Anything in there? I got nothing to hide.

You know why? 'Cause I got a super-shallow crack.

Tertiary!

What's that mean? Basically, everything we just did,

expect one of us will still have his clothes on.

This airport is unbelievable.

First, the TSA loses my shoes.

Then the only shoes available for purchase

are these orange heel-y things from Syra-shoes.

I swear to God, I feel so violated.

Oh, shit. Oh, sh--

Oh, my God.

You okay, babe? No.

Walk it off, babe. I'm gonna go get molested.

You okay?

Nope.

Shit!