Together

Britain enters lockdown.

Now people can only leave their homes

for very limited reasons.

The UK wakes up

to the toughest restrictions on daily life

in living memory to tackle coronavirus.

This has been the sort of scene

imagined by science fiction writers

after an apocalyptic disaster.

Don't you carry anything, wee man, okay?

Here, carry this.

- Ugh. - Not in the living room!

I mean, my God.

The only thing keeping us together is our child.

- Arthur. - Little Artie.

His name is Arthur.

Yeah, and if it wasn't for little Artie,

we would have split up years ago.

The truth is, we just can't stand each other.

Don't like each other.

So, this lockdown,

being in the same house together, me and him...

The only thing that makes living with her

even remotely bearable

is knowing that I get to leave this house every day.

I feel exactly the same.

Oh, my God, saying goodbye to you,

it is without doubt the best part of my day.

Just being in the same room as him...

Coming back and having to see her again, I mean, fuck...

it's like a sadness and a soul-stink

both mixed together.

I hate your face.

- My face? - I hate your face.

Oh, you hate my face?

It's just your face. I hate it.

Oh. What, so you're saying I'm unattractive then or...

No, no, you're attrac... I mean, she's very attractive.

It's just your face, I totally hate it.

I actually think of him as a cancer.

I hate looking at it. It's maybe your eyes or something.

And... not skin or testicle,

but one of the really bad ones,

you know, like liver, pancreatic.

Is it your cheeks? I mean, I can't even

- put my finger on it. - It's colorectal...

When I think about you, I get exactly the same feeling

as when I think about my dead dad's cancer.

- Exactly the same. - It's your lips.

- It's her lips. - I've got great lips.

Aye, no, you do, you've got great lips.

They're fantastic. I just totally hate them.

We should never have got together

- in the first place. - Madness.

I mean, we're just so different, poles apart.

But at the time, you think, "Oh, opposites attract."

You're caught up in all the...

Do you know what else attracts?

Hormones and pheromones and...

Serial killers to victims.

Intoxication and the heart-racing sex.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God,

just the thought of...

actually having sex with you is...

I know. I know.

And politically as well, we're totally different.

Aye. I believe in hard work.

Everyone believes in hard work!

Aye, whereas she, right,

is a good old-fashioned, unreconstructed socialist.

That's my mother you're describing.

You're actually talking about my mother.

You've never understood my politics.

I'm actually quite moderate.

I just happen to believe

in not exploiting the workers of this country.

The workers. Listen to this.

What do you know about the workers?

I'm actually from the workers, right?

I was brought up by the workers

and the workers aren't what you think.

It's not all fish suppers and roll-ups

and sing songs round the old Joanna.

The workers are fucking horrible.

You just hate people.

I just hate lazy.

Meanwhile, those of us

who were brought up in the chattering classes.

- Oh, my God, listen to this. - The literati elite.

My dad was a dentist!

You pull yourself up by the bootstraps, right?

That's what I did.

Got myself on top, worked hard and I got out.

Jesus Christ, dial it back.

Yeah, you're from fucking Kilmarnock, not Compton.

We were poor!

I got on top, I got out.

At the time I thought, you know,

"Oh, that's cute, he's a Tory."

I am not a Tory.

You've voted Conservative in every election since we met.

I voted for Tony Blair.

Oh, fuck, can we just not talk about politics, please?

We're worried about my mum.

We should've just brought her here.

Well, there's no point in rehashing it, is there?

I mean, we made a decision...

I'm not "rehashing," all right?

It's not what I'm doing.

I know we made a decision, I know that.

It's just, she's on her own, right?

- And little Artie... - Arthur.

He's only got one grandparent

and I'd love him to be able to keep her. And besides,

it's not like there's that many people

that, you know, get him.

She's got carers that come in.

They're awful.

They are not awful, they're overworked.

They come in, right,

for 45 minutes, three times a day.

They chuck on some microwave pasta,

change her colostomy bag

and then they're straight on to their phones.

That was one, that... that was one girl.

And some of them are amazing, you know.

And they... they're paid shit, by the way.

They work from 7:00 in the morning

until 10:00 at night.

And they travel from client to client.

And if there's waiting in between clients,

they don't get paid for that, you know.

It works out less than minimum wage.

I'm not having a go at them, all right?

I know some of them are amazing.

But some of them are not amazing,

and they're not even family.

And that is another thing, they're traveling.

Is that... Is that okay?

I don't know.

I mean, are they wearing masks

when they're on the bus or whatever?

I've seen people out there, people out there

- are wearing masks. - Yeah. Yeah.

Well, they're advising against wearing masks.

What happens when they're on public transport,

do they become a vehicle or a vector?

And other countries are wearing masks.

Should we be wearing masks?

- I don't know! - That's what I'm saying!

Nobody seems to know anything!

Anything at all.

Fuck's sake.

We've been trying to get her into a home, me and my sister.

It's a beautiful place. Beautiful.

I mean, it's got all the gear.

We're not trying to get rid of her.

You know, line dancing in the morning,

kidney dialysis in the evening.

And she knows you're not trying

to get rid of her, by the way.

Well, when we went there last, she said,

"You bitches are trying to get rid of me."

She's a colorful character.

We just want her looked after.

Yeah. And both my parents are dead so, you know...

thank God.

Look, I'm...

I'm really sorry.

Okay, we need to get on, I totally know that.

And God knows how long this thing is gonna last.

It's just, this whole thing, it is so confusing.

It's just, nobody seems to know what is going on.

The ship is steering itself

and all the grown-ups have been fucking beamed up.

And the people out there, unbelievable. Unbelievable.

What about the people out there?

Well, go on.

Don't worry about it, you'll get all...

- No, come on. Look... - No, it's all right.

If we're gonna get through this, then we're gonna

- have to, you know... - What?

- Well, talk. - Us?

Yeah. I think so. Don't you?

You want me to talk?

Well, I suppose so. I mean, don't we have to?

- All right. - Like, a bit?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Well, look, this was yesterday, right,

just before they announced the lockdown,

and I'm down at the Tesco local.

You know, the one on the corner?

Yeah, the one on the corner...

Yeah, I'm at the Tesco local, the one in the corner,

and I'm in there, right, and it has been picked clean.

I mean, locusts, right?

And I'm in there 'cause I wanna get aubergines,

- I'm gonna do this katsu... - Katsu curry aubergine. Yeah.

I'm gonna do my katsu curry aubergine.

I mean, it's the only fucking thing Artie will eat.