Two Doors Down

Nearly done. What do you think?

I don't like it.

VOICE ON TV

Do you want a glass of fresh orange?

Fresh orange? Uh-huh.

Fresh orange juice? Uh-huh.

You know fine well that I don't take fruit juice after my coffee

and before my second tablet.

This programme contains some strong language

Mum, did you see that big Alsatian frae the flats has been

sneaking in and peeing in the garden again?

I've no interest in dogs peeing on grass.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SLURPS

Do you know if we recorded... We did. I watched it, deleted it.

When have you ever seen a mushroom that colour?

Chestnut mushroom!

It's horrible, it looks like...

Like what?

The inside of a dirty nappy.

What is the matter with you?

The matter with me? There's nothing the matter with me.

Right. Well, I'm going up the stairs.

Well, you'll know the way.

What?

Up the stairs.

Aw, I get it. Uh-huh.

Look, Mum. It was just me having a friend over to the house.

What's so bad about that?

Oh, you know fine well that

if you want to have a friend over, that is OK by me.

You only have to let me know when they're coming and I'll

put my good tracksuit on, wipe down my wee table and open a window.

But you, milady, chose to go behind my back

when I was away up at the doctor's getting my ears syringed

to invite this so-called friend over.

Yes. Uh-huh.

Mum. It's not potpourri we need on the half landing, it's a

bowl of peppermints and a selection of johnny bags.

Oh, for God's sake!

And yes, I would like a fresh orange juice.

I'm going out.

DOOR SLAMS

Ya bastard!

Agh!

S.O.B. by Nathaniel Rateliff The Night Sweats

It'll be lighter when it dries.

It'll be fine, it's only a spare room.

It's Ian's room.

Aye, but we're turning it into a spare room.

It's still his room, though, Eric.

Aye, well, tell him to get his arse round here and paint it, then.

PHONE RINGS Aw, who the hell's this?

Christine, oh, my God!

Right, there's your specs, Christine.

Thanks, Beth. Thank God you were in.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, no, no, no, I don't want to put you to any bother.

You sure?

Just one of those coffees you do in the cafetiere will be fine.

All right, Christine?

Bloody hell, you been at the home baking again?

Oh, ha-bloody-ha.

Her ceiling's come in. Away and make her a cup of tea.

Coffee. Ah, coffee, that's right. I'm in shock, Eric.

Is it not a glass of water you're meant to have for shock?

Ah, well, it's fresh coffee with two brown sugars with me.

So, the whole thing came down on your head?

Like fucking Pompeii, Beth.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, no warning. One minute I'm sat there quite happy after a row

with Sophie, the next thing I know, I'm sitting there with

a lampshade on my head and picking bits of Artex out my teeth.

As I say, Beth, I'm still in shock.

Oh, Eric, bring a biscuit.

God bless.

So, what were you and Sophie at loggerheads about?

I don't want to talk about it, Beth. OK.

I'm best to say nothing.

Right enough.

She's been getting pumped. Oh.

Every time I've been out at the doctors, Sophie's been

upstairs having sex with a boy.

Every time? Christ, she'll be exhausted.

How did you manage to find out about this?

Pumping?

Well, call it mother's intuition, Beth...

call it logging into Facebook

and having a look at her private messages.

Hit the plunger on that, will you, Eric?

So where's Sophie now?

Oh, I don't know. She stormed out in a huff!

Well, let's not worry about that.

The important thing is that you're both OK.

Thanks, Beth, you're a star.

A bright shining star.

No trouble. Oh, God bless.

You don't have any of those wee pink wafers, do you?

Cos I don't like any of these.

'Yoo-hoo! Beth. Hello?'

There you are.

Beth, wait till you see this, you are going to love it!

What is it? It's the hotel in Egypt I've just booked for me and Col.

Sharm el something.

Hello, Cathy. Oh, Christine!

Her ceiling caved in on her.

Oh, you're joking!

Anyway, let me fire this up and show you a picture of the pool.

So it just caved in, did it? Aye.

And what's above it? The bathroom.

Ah! You maybe had a leak.

I had more than a flaming leak when it slammed down on top of me,

I'll tell you that. Have you got insurance?

Aye, I do. Oh, you'll be fine.

When I set fire to my kitchen, I got a brand-new one.

How did you do that?

I set fire to it.

I wanted a new one.

Now, would you look at that! Who are you with for insurance?

Oh, what's that one with the dog?

Eh, Churchill? Aye. Well, it better start fucking nodding

when it sees my claim form in front of it.

Sorry about the language there, Beth. It's the shock, you know.

You're all right. It's an absolute bastard, so it is.

Did you take any pictures? No.

Beth, Beth! Infinity pool.

We took pictures of the upstairs toilet when it flooded, didn't we?

Oh, aye, aye, I've still got them somewhere.

Oh, well, I'll maybe have a look at them later on, Eric, if you don't mind.

Beth, Beth! Gold taps.

Could you just leave it a minute, Cathy?

Christine, Eric'll take the pictures for you.

God's sake.

Oh, I don't think I could face going back over there, not at the minute.

Don't worry, Christine, I'll see to it for you.

Eric, get Colin to do them on his phone -

his camera's better than yours.

You don't mind? No, of course not.

I mean, if Beth's having you to stay here for a few days, it's

the least me and Col can do. Isn't that right?

Aye.

Well, here we are, grotbag's lair.

Have you had a tetanus lately?

Christ, she'll have a fair amount of sweeping up to do, eh?

Aye, don't worry, she's no stranger to a broomstick.

All right, let's get this done. I've got enough on my hands over the road.

Oh, aye, what is it you're doing again?

Oh, Beth's got me redecorating Ian's bedroom.

Oh, aye. Empty nest now, Eric.

Chance for you and Beth to enjoy some time on your own.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, make the most of it. Aye.

Before the old age kicks in. Yeah, well...

And one of you dies. Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Not that you should be worrying about that. No.

No. Anyway, it's usually the man that pops it first.

HE CHUCKLES

What about there?

No, no, that's no good. It's not comfortable.

It's my neck, you see. Keep going.

Right, left a bit, left a bit, left, left, left, left.

That's it, that's it. Oh, that's better there.

DOORBELL

In you come.

Is she all right? Oh, she's fine.

We're just setting her up in front of Homes Under The Hammer.

Mum, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

I just about got buried alive,

but you'll no' be giving two shits about that, will you?

Hello, Sophie.

What's she doing here, anyway?

I texted her, Christine - let her know what was going on.

What's the matter with you two? She's...

Ah, ah, not now, Christine.

She's been what?

What have you been up to, you little minx?

Not now, Cathy.

Let's not go into that just now.

That's right, Christine. Least said, soonest mended.

OK, fair enough.

She's been at the pumping.

Is that her needing filled up with the coffee again?

Oh, Christ, what are we going to do?

What do you mean? We're not actually going to have her staying the night, are we?

We're going to have to. Where are we going to put her?

I'll just have to make her up a bed on the sofa.

Aw, God save us.

Coming down in the morning to see that lying in front of you like Bagpuss.

Put you off your cornflakes for life.

Look, all we're talking about is one person for one night.

Surely we can cope with that.

Beth!

Christine's getting a bit agitated,

so I've said to Sophie she's just to stay as well.

Oh, God!

That was awful nice of Beth to offer to do this for Christine and Sophie.

We'd have offered ourselves if we hadn't been going on this holiday.

What holiday? Egypt. You never been to the Valley of the Kings, Eric?