Archer

Are you shitting me?!

How can they do that?!

And do you have to do that

right goddamn now?!

I actually don't have to do it ever.

- And so I ask again, why are you?! - Mm-m.

How can they seize my penthouse?!

Well A, they're the government,

and B, ISIS owned that penthouse, so -

Since when?

Since this new thing called always?

It never struck you as odd

that you lived there for ten years and never paid a dime in rent?!

I just thought it was because I banged the landlord's

when she dropped off the key.

But I realize now that I was mistaken.

Aw, what a scary new feeling for you.

Not as scary as having to live

in Casa de Addams Family with you two!

Ugh, no, I'm just working here,

not moving in. I was smart enough to put

- my apartment in Ron's name. - We all could've hidden

our assets if you'd warned us we were about to be

- arrested for treason! - Oh for the love,

how long are you going to throw that in my face?!

Probably at least through the weekend.

Well, then you'll have to throw it from Miami.

Wait, no, why, what's in --

Miami.

Besides ninety percent of all mosquitoes and Cubans

- on earth? - That sounds high.

A buyer for twenty kilos of our cocaine.

Okay, now you sound high.

And what did I say about that horn?!

- Oh, you were serious? - Did I not

- look serious?! - Well maybe she

couldn't tell, because you seemed pretty

serious just now, when you said you set up

- a drug deal. - How else are we

supposed to sell it? It's not like we can have

- a yard sale. - Yeah, Lana.

- Hello, people would steal it? - I realize.

- We can't have a yard sale. - Plus it's illegal?

My point. Is how did you, Malory,

possibly, set up a major drug deal?

Oh, don't worry about that...

- Kinda feel like I should. - Just worry about

not screwing up this deal, because if it all goes well,

my contact's people may buy the rest.

And the sooner we sell this cocaine,

the sooner we'll all be set for life.

And the sooner we can move out of this enormous,

Gilded Age mansion. Which -- where the hell is

- Woodhouse? - In the pool.

Hello? I've finished!

Jesus Christ, how long does it take him

- to move in? - And so, the sooner

- you go to Miami... - Oh, I'm sorry,

lemme eat forty pounds of coke-filled rubbers,

- and we're off. - Don't be ridiculous -

- Hello, pregnant? -- Dr. Krieger has

devised a way to transport the cocaine

- undetected. - Oh, you were serious?

Wh-? God! Dammit! - Sometimes it's hard

- to tell with you! - And since Carol insists

on keeping Ms. Gillette here as a voice coach...

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, teeeeee!

No no no no no! Again!

Do - And also

- since he's crippled... - And also since

he's crippled, Pam --

- will be going with you. - Kinda like the third

- Musketeer, huh?! - Kinda.

Hey Pam, relax, breathe you're doing fine...

But since that, um, special "plaster" in your cast

can totally be absorbed through the skin,

you're probably gonna wanna try to minimize the sweating.

Yeah, just think cool thoughts. Like eating mint

chocolate chip ice cream. In your refrigerated drawer.

At the morgue.

Do, re, mi, fa -- No! Again!

My God, how I envy the deaf.

I hope you're a better lawyer than she is a singer.

I'd have to be. And I will be,

I'm pretty darn excited to be practicing law again.

I mean, hopefully I won't have to defend anybody in court,

but -- But there's always

a district attorney to blackmail,

a witness to coerce, a judge to bribe...

Bribe with what? The government seized the

- ISIS accounts, we're broke. - Hopefully not for long.

And when that drug money starts pouring in,

you'll be in charge of laundering.

I'll start looking for a laundromat.

Wh-? Money laundering, you ass!

Oh, you mean as a front, because a laundromat

is a cash-based business. Why don't I just leave that

whole side of the organization to you?

Only if you promise to periodically micromanage it.

- And emasculate me. - Cyril,

I would have thought that goes without saying.

Ugh! It smells like a skunk ape!

Yeah, I'm hoping the mattresses

are just mildewy, and not... Mildewy and dead-hookery.

No, not the room. These.

Casts smell bad when you take 'em off it's a

- thing people know about! - Yeah after six weeks,

- not six hours! - So listen,

- about this deal... - Hang on.

Pam, chop chop, torso! Ugh, this smells like a kennel,

- but for dogs that are poor. - Archer!

- What, smell it. - Shut up, look

your mother's got the time in here, the place,

price per kilo... But there's nothing

about her contact, no picture,

not even a name? What if this "person" is

- really a biker gang? - Who gives a shit?

Hang on. Legs!

Lana, you and I, more me, were two of the best

secret agents in the world...

- We were rogues. - Potato, puh-treason,

whatever, but we've been up against terrorists,

assassins, the KGB, the IRA remember, North Korea,

- cyborgs, help me out... - Space pirates...

Oh my God, I forgot about the space pirates!

But the point is, we are highly trained

covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set

of skills -- Pam, legs!

-- and since the government has unjustly accused us

of treason, we are now forced to transfer

those skills from espionage to criminal activity,

kind of like the A-Team, but we sell drugs.

And you're okay with that.

Are you not?! Lana, it's the A-Team

meets Scarface! That makes me...

- Hannibal Montana? - What the--? Pam?!

Goddammit, tell me you're not -- Pam!

- Stop eating it, dammit! - Pam?

- Archer? - He's okay!

He's okay don't come in here don't come in here he's okay!

- Oh shit. - What,

I said don't come in here!

No, Leon!

No, I'm honestly not judging you...

Really, so this super-judgy feeling I'm feeling is just me

feeling like you're super-judgy and that's me?!

So, um, are you hearing your words?

Are you shitting me? I can't hear anything over

my har -- to beat, yerp,

- fired back up boop! - It's just we're like,

two days into this whole drug cartel thing,

and you're already addicted to cocaine.

Oh okay so I should take life advice from

an unwed mother?!

With a dirty car?!

- Is he dead? - No.

- He looks dead. - He's not.

- I think he's dead. - Pam?

Mis amigas, por favor!

- Unghh... - Is he a zombie?

- Pam! - Sterling?

- Sterling can you hear me? - Ramón?!

Sí, mi amigo, soy yo!

Wh-? You two know each other?!

Sh-shut your h-hole, am I d-dying?

- No, amigo, estas bien! - But I'm s-so,

c-co -- oh. Um...

- She insisted. - So we could unfreeze

you in the future, once medical science had

developed a cure for... headsmash.

- And you... - Acquiesced.

She's all... coke-strong.

So yes, I am your mother's contact.

After Fidel's hitmen try to kill me --

Ugh, Charles and Rudi, those dicks.

I wonder what ever happened to --

Anyway! I go into hiding, change my name,

buy this business with some little money I borrow from Mamá,

and -- Hey, how is your mother?

Pff, como siempre. Y la tuya?

Do, re --

Jesus! Alright already!

- Thank you. - Como siempre.

So, she telephone me, ask if I know some maybe people,

I say yes, I know some maybe people,

- and here we are. - And, sorry,

you're getting out of this maybe what?

Lana! He's helping a dear friend!

Sí, claro. And also how you say,

a finder's fee? Five thousand a kilo.

- Oh. - Because I want to buy

that place...

Nice, eh? Is the best club in Miami.

Uh, duh! You need investors?!

Archer, what're you -- Lana, we're gonna need

an office in Miami, and that office is gonna need

- to be a red leather banquette! - Dios mío,

that would be increíble! You and me, together at last...

Implying that you two haven't ever, cough,

- been together, or...? - It was a mission, Lana!