My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl 4x15 - Darnell Outed (PART 1) -

What the hell happened?

Looks like Santa got shot down over Baghdad.

I must have dozed off watching C-Span .

Great. Now I don't know how the senate voted on corn subsidies.

I'm gonna look like an idiot at the Crab Shack tonight.

I just cleaned up today, Darnell.

Look at this mess.

Darnell, whose child is this?

I don't know. Looks like Al and Mary Lou's kid.

Deaf as a doorknob. That's Oliver.

Damn it. What did I tell you about falling asleep with the door open?

People gonna use you as a babysitter.

Now I gotta check the whole house for more.

Hey, buddy.

Are you hungry?

Do you want some...

Shoot, I can't remember the sign for "cheese crunchies."

There's one in the bathtub and two in the hamper.

Boring...

CHiPs ! CHiPs !

Please be the one with the robot. Please be the one with the robot.

Randy, this isn't CHiPs .

I don't know what this is.

A new game show where contestants challenge the greatest star

in the history of television to any competition imaginable.

Hot dog eating.

Fencing.

Sewing.

Violining.

Geography.

To find out if they are...

Estrada or nada !

I have a new greatest day of my life.

We truly live in the golden age of television.

You think you got a talent. Well, you can challenge me to anything.

Sushi-making!

What is cosine "X" over "E"?

Sorry, Sanjay.

That's cosine "X" over "E" minus one.

Mathematics.

Lumberjacking.

You'll be judged by our expert panel:

a Hollywood stuntman,

a former Olympian,

and a morning zoo DJ.

With American Idol 's one-and-done co-host Brian Dunkleman.

We'll be holding auditions all over America

so you can find out if you're...

Estrada or nada !

Come to auditions next Thursday at the Camden Junior College gymnasium

off the parkway at exit 15, just past the Welding museum.

We're going, Randy, and we're bringing Joy with us.

I was gonna do list item #31:

"Ruined Joy's chance of being on TV."

A few years back, Joy wanted to be on Fear Factor,

so she made an audition tape.

Fear is no factor here, Joe Rogan.

Fear Factor !

She wanted to show she was willing to do anything.

Fear Factor !

No matter how scary.

Get em out! Get em out!

You get it, Randy?

All right, guys, time to put you fellas back in the wall.

And to show that she could look good doing it.

Fear Factor !

Unfortunately, later that day,

me and Randy stole one of those pull guns.

Pull!

I told Joy I mailed the tape,

and since it was still pretty early on in our marriage,

she believed me.

We got to get Joy on that show to challenge Erik Estrada.

I'm gonna challenge him, too, when I think of a talent.

It's not gonna be having the prettiest smile,

'cause his is unbelievable.

I wanted to get Joy on Estrada or Nada,

so I had to tell her the truth about the Fear Factor tape.

Son of a bitch! You never sent the tape?

But remember, we used that pull gun to rob the medical supply place.

You weren't complaining when you got to sit down in the shower.

That was the day I got all those rubber gloves.

For a week, I could put hands anywhere. It was awesome.

So, you faked the rejection letter.

I thought it was weird that Joe Rogan said I came off bitchy

and that I should be nicer to my husband and his brother.

Anyway, Joy, I'm sorry and I'm gonna make it up to you.

I'm gonna get you on Estrada or Nada .

I'm not doing it.

Thanks, Earl, but I gave up on that dream.

What dream?

The dream of being famous.

Turns out, Fear Factor was one of many disappointments in Joy's life .

Since she was a kid, she had her sights set on being famous.

Grammy, I'm gonna be special someday.

I'm gonna be famous.

Doubt it.

You come from a long line of liars, cheats, and harelips.

You're never gonna be famous.

You got failure in your blood.

Your mom is as crooked as a do-it-yourself haircut,

and your poor, dumb daddy,

he was 14 years old before he could even wave good-bye.

Night-night, sugar.

But Joy didn't listen to her grandma.

She still had big dreams, like being a beauty queen.

Wait.

None of these other girls are pretty enough,

so I get to be Miss America for two years in a row?

There's no rule against that?

Oh, there was and you broke it for me?

And to think it all started years ago

when I won Camden's Prettiest Pretty Princess.

But she didn't win that title

because a prettier prettiest princess came along.

When beauty queen didn't work out,

she started to fantasize about being a famous politician.

Wait.

You want me to be the President of USA for two years in a row?

Isn't there a law against that?

There was and you broke it for me?

Well, I am honored to serve.

And to think

it all started when I won president of my sophomore class in high school.

But politics didn't go very well, either.

I'm not just going to be a president for the hotties.

I'm going to be a president for the people.

The fat girls, the nerdy Asians,

you "butta-face" cheerleaders,

and the closeted gays, like quarterback Mikey Shipley,

I've got your backs.

Joy for president.

Nice pass, Shipley!

And years later,

Joy took one more shot at being famous by trying to get on Fear Factor.

Oh, my God. I won the award

for being the most unafraid person on Fear Factor ever?

And my reward is I get to dump my stupid husband

and marry Kevin Bacon?

Isn't there some kind of law against that?

What?

You changed the laws of marriage for me?

And to think this all started a couple weeks ago

when I gave myself dysentery by swallowing that worm.

So, Fear Factor was really just the last straw for me.

That means I didn't just keep you off a TV show,

I killed your childhood dream of being famous.

You did me a favor.

My grammy was right. There are certain people in the world

that are destined to be somebody and I'm not one of them.

I'm not an Estrada. I'm a nada.

Joy, you can't believe that.

My grammy may have been a drunk, racist monster,

but she was a good judge of character and she didn't see any in me.

We're lucky our grandma told us we could be anything.

She told you that?

I bet Erik Estrada can't catch 50 pennies on his elbow.

I'm gonna try 49.

I had trouble getting to sleep,

not just 'cause of Randy,

but 'cause I couldn't stop thinking about Joy.

The thing was, Joy couldn't stop thinking about Joy either.

Seemed like everything she did,

she ended up glimpsing herself in a mirror.

And it made her think of the mirror she looked into

when she was a little girl.

She remembered when she still used to dream.

My goodness.

You're giving me a Nobel Peace Prize

for best performance in a reality TV show?

Is there even a prize for that?

You made one just for me?

And to think this all started

when I beat the chips out of Erik Estrada.

Earl Hickey, you're gonna get me on that TV show.

He's good. I better go practice.

The Camden locals brought out their "A" games

to try out for the new reality show, Estrada or Nada.

Man, I haven't seen a line this long in Camden