Mom

So anyway, I see him every day in the cafeteria,

and I thought, screw it, I'm just gonna give him my number.

He seemed like a sweet guy.

I mean, he drives a Prius with an "I'm With Her" bumper sticker.

But it's been a week, and I haven't heard from him,

- and I'm starting to wonder... - (grumbles)

Oh, for God's sake! What?!

Nothing. It's not important.

Then stop making that noise.

Yeah, Christy's got another guy who's

never gonna call and we're trying to put a good face on it.

He might still call.

You bet he will.

Bonnie, why don't you just tell us what's buggin' you?

- You really want to know? - I really want you to stop going...

We come to this restaurant a minimum of three times a week...

good times, bad times, economy up, economy down,

and we always get a booth. And look where they put us:

at a table downwind from the bathroom.

Are you kidding?

You interrupted my story 'cause we're at a table?

What story?

About the cafeteria guy Christy's got no shot with.

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Hostess movin' us to a booth?

Adam misses me and wants to get together.

Oh, that's great.

- Oh, I'm so happy for you. - Congratulations.

You know, I could call the cafeteria guy.

I'm proud of you, Bonnie. You set boundaries with this young man,

you were patient, and look at that, he's come around.

Now you can slowly rebuild a healthy relationship

based on trust and communication,

- work together towards a lov... - She's gone, Marjorie.

What?

But that was some good stuff.

I guess they're doing okay. I haven't seen them since last night.

What do you think? They've been banging each other silly.

They've only come out for food, Gatorade and nail clippers.

Think about it, Marjorie. I had to.

Are you kidding me?! We finally get back together and you do this?!

- Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise. It's no big deal!

She said, "We finally get back together and you do this?"

Then he said, "It's no big deal."

Lying next to me in bed

and texting with your ex-wife is a very big deal!

She said, "Lying next to me in bed

and texting with your ex-wife is a very big deal."

Now what are you doing?! What do you think I'm doin'?!

- I'm getting out of here! That's right, run! That's

- your answer for everything! Run! Do you have any idea

- how offensive that is to me? - (knocking on door)

Too many words to repeat. I'll fill you in tomorrow.

...not in the last twenty minutes.

What is wrong with your mother?!

Don't get me started.

I live right above you. I can hear everything... the sex, the fighting.

It's like living above a New Orleans cathouse!

I'm sorry. I'll get 'em to quiet down.

And I'm sure the other neighbors can hear, too.

We can!

Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

If you were younger, I'd call Child Services.

No, please don't go! I love you.

I love you, too, but you make me crazy.

You want crazy? How's this for crazy?

Whoa!

At least she can't yell with her mouth full.

Here, have a strawberry. They're a natural aphrodisiac.

- Really? - Nah,

I'm just trying to put a good spin on it. They're about to go bad.

- Morning. - Morning, honey. How'd you sleep?

In a fetal position with five pillows over my head.

Were we making too much noise?

Seriously?

Three neighbors came by to complain.

Two of 'em thought we were shooting a porno.

One of 'em thought we were slaughtering a goat.

Ooh, I know what that noise was.

Hey, now we got a name for it: "slaughtering the goat."

Sorry. Private joke.

No, it wasn't remotely private.

Probably wasn't even legal.

Sorry again.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you guys are back together.

Hey, we're fine as long as numbnuts here doesn't text his ex-wife again.

Oh, come on, let's not start this.

I told you, she texted me.

She needed help with the pilot light on the water heater.

Fine, but you still haven't said you're sorry.

Because I'm not!

Oh, numbnuts.

Okay, so just to be clear, I text a guy

who I was just friends with and that's an unforgivable offense,

but it's okay for you to text your ex-wife

right after you slaughtered my goat.

I'm running away and joining the circus! Good-bye forever!

Bonnie, if you must know, I texted "I'm busy..."

What are you doing here?

I'm having my breakfast and enjoying the show.

But last night, you were all...

That's a lot of fiber.

You know, we hear things down here, too.

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Jill.

Okay, well, I got to be honest,

I made a commitment to be a foster parent,

and now that it's getting closer, I'm kind of scared.

I'm just not sure I got what it takes to be a good mom.

I mean, I know how to take a little girl shopping or...

how to take a little boy...

shopping.

But what if I get a child that doesn't listen or misbehaves?

You know, a lot of these foster kids have some serious issues.

What if I can't discipline them?

It's not like with my housekeeper,

where I can just threaten her with deportation, right?

- (Jill continues talking) - Unbelievable.

You know, you really shouldn't text during the meeting.

Yeah, you really shouldn't have Ben Franklin's haircut, but here we are.

That's who it is.

He's not officially divorced.

Can you believe that? He never said a word.

Since when do you care if a guy's divorced?

Since I fell in love with this paraplegic dickweed.

- Okay, you're done. - What are you doing?

- You'll get it back after the meeting. - Give it to me.

- Wendy, catch. - Give it.

- Marjorie, here. Hey!

You girls sit still and be quiet!

Huh, look at that.

I can be a mom.

Psst.

Psst.

You are the least subtle person alive.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?

Just spill it.

I was downstairs with Adam and...

You're going to the bathroom while I'm pouring my heart out to you?

I don't pee through my ears.

Well, I don't think I can trust him anymore.

- Why? - I just found out he's

seeing his ex-wife tomorrow.

Well, at least he told you.

Oh, grow up. He didn't tell me. I broke into his phone.

How'd you do that? The FBI can't do that.

It's easy. You just have sex with him till he falls asleep.

Then you press his thumb onto the home button of his phone.

What if he wakes up?

You stick his thumb in your mouth and start over.

You don't wash your hands?

I didn't touch anything.

Anyway, he's seeing her tomorrow.

Why don't you ask him about it?

'Cause then he'll know I broke into his phone and won't trust me anymore.

- He shouldn't. - Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

Maybe this relationship with Adam isn't good for you.

You guys only do two things together, and both of them disturb the neighbors.

Well, Solitary Sue, some people call that being in a relationship.

Okay, Bipolar Betty.

But you're not "some people."

You can't keep swinging from high to low

without something bad happening.

I'm worried you're gonna drink.

I want you to know I hear ya.

Good.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I guess if I'm really committed to this relationship,

I'm gonna have to hack into his e-mail.

Yeah. Sounds like you got this.

Thanks, baby. You always bring me back down to Earth.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, God, that's why I woke up with my thumb in her mouth.

Here you go. Over easy, just the way you like 'em.

Thanks. You were really something last night.

Aw, I just do those things to show how much I love you.

Really? Feels like you do them just to put me to sleep.

I could have two reasons.