Axe Cop

My name is Axe Cop.

I live in a house with two invisible doors,

one for my pet dinosaur and one for me.

I only wear underwear that has a picture of me

chopping off a bad guy's head.

When I turn, the picture of me moves

and chops off his head.

In the morning, I usually find a broken window

and I see a bad guy getting away in the distance.

I have a rigorous exercise routine.

I can do an infinite amount of reps of everything.

A billion and six, billion and seven, billion and eight...

When I arrive at the Axe Cop station

the first thing I do is print out a list of bad guys to kill

and then I kill them all.

At night, after everyone goes home...

- Good night, Axe Cop. - to be with their families,

I go on a night mission.

- I don't work the day shift or the night shift. - Ha!

I work the always shift.

Ha!

Because I'm a hero.

One day, at the scene of the fire

the cop found the perfect axe.

That was the day he became... Axe Cop!

So he had tryouts and hired a partner.

I will chop your heads off!

Axe Cop 01x08 - Super Axe

Axe, it's 8:35.

Yeah, you're usually here by 8:30.

What, are you working banking hours now?

Heh heh, nailed it.

No. I was on a night mission.

So what bad guy did you kill last night?

Actually I killed two bad guys.

They were 7th graders. Unfortunately their mom...

the evil red-headed woman... got away.

Oh yeah? They don't-they don't sound too bad. What'd they do?

They stole the president's good guy machine

and turned it into a bad guy machine.

Oh! That actually sounds pretty bad.

Sockarang, lock the bad guy machine in the unbreakable vault.

Yellow, Flute Cop here.

Oh, Axe Cop! It's the United States' President and he wants to talk to you.

What do you want?

- Okay. - What did the president say?

He thanked me for getting his bad guy machine back

and is declaring tomorrow National Axe Cop Day.

Does that mean we get tomorrow off?

Hey, bros, let's all take a vacation together.

I hate vacations.

Have fun, Axe Cop.

You need a break more than any of us.

- Not gonna happen. - What if I told you

I happen to have this cake coupon right here.

It's good at any beach resort in the whole world.

Yeah, you could think of it as a va-cake-tion.

Hmm. A cake vacation?

Flute Cop, we'll use your miles.

I'll have an apple juice, no ice.

Do you have chocolate milk?

Whoop, this is me.

Just give me my keys.

I'm sorry, your room won't be ready until 4:00.

What am I supposed to do for two hours?

Front desk. How can I assist you?

I need 30 TV sets and 30 VCRs brought to my room

so I can watch movies I made of me fighting.

I like to study all my moves.

I'm also gonna need a birthday cake.

I have a coupon.

Mm mm.

Mmm?

You have got to be kidding me!

Gah! Who makes these machines, bad guys?

- Axe Cop, is that you? - Super Axe?

Man! I haven't seen you since fighting college.

If I'm not mistaken, that was exactly 10 years ago.

Don't you know it. But nothing has changed.

I'm exactly the same.

Oh, we used to tear it up back then.

All-night battles, chop-a-thons.

- Remember the punching finals? - How can I forget?

"A kick is a punch from a foot!"

Man!

So what brings you to Hawaii?

My team and I are on va-cake-tion.

- That sounds fun. - What about you?

I'm here celebrating my anniversary.

You've chopped 10 million heads already!?

- Congratulations! - Oh no no no no.

I haven't chopped a head in ages.

- It's my wedding anniversary. - Ha!

You always were super funny, Super Axe.

I'm serious.

But, you should be out killing bad guys.

- You're a hero. - Not anymore I'm not.

Now I'm a husband. Ooh! Speaking of which,

the wife and I have this couples spa treatment right about now, so...

I gotta run. See ya later!

I remember that.

That's a good move.

- What the heck? - Hello, Axe Cop!

- Remember me? - Of course I do.

You're the evil red-headed woman.

I killed your children because they were evil.

Are you enjoying your vacation?

- Now I'm not. - Oh that's a shame,

because I am.

I spent Bational Axe Cop Day stealing back my bad guy machine!

But it was locked in my unbreakable vault!

A mother with a broken heart can break

any unbreakable vault.

And now that I have my bad guy machine,

I'm gonna go back in time

and I'm going to turn everyone evil.