Single Parents

Sea Castle of Majken the Mermaid?

- It's a Swedish toy. - Mm.

I went to IKEA for the meatballs,

and here we are.

The most important rule of assembling toys is relax.

Just enjoy this lavender chamomile tea.

You guys! Aah!

Whoa! Pizza in the morning!

Sick save.

Are you okay? Are you being chased?

Do you guys remember Derek?

Absent father of my child?

Deputy Manager of Ratso's?

Yeah, Angie, we know Derek.

- I don't really know him. - Okay, here.

This... This is Derek.

Whoa, dang! He's a babe.

Is he? I don't see it.

So, I wrote Derek an epic e-mail.

You might remember.

And he never responded.

And then this morning, he responded in person.

At my house.

He's here? What did you do?

The... The only thing I could.

I told him I had to go to the spaghetti store,

then drove to a church, lit a candle,

drove a few more hours until I ran out of gas,

jogged two miles, and now I'm here.

- So, is Derek in your house now? - No.

I put him outside like a dog outside Von's.

Can you believe this?

Who comes to your house and knocks on your door?

Hold up!

Will, Angie got mailmanned!

- Oh, snap! She did! - Oh, snap!

- Yo, bring it in! - Bring it in! It's such a thing now!

Are you guys seriously hugging over mailmanning?

I need your help.

Oh, I wish we could,

but we have to relaxingly assemble this elaborate toy.

We're in.

Yeah. We're in.

We... We were... We were always in.

The deed is done.

Poppy Banks, your Saturday night sleepover

has been transferred to Phil, father of Louisa,

a child I don't enjoy.

So, we finally get a night alone.

Oh, I am so ready.

I am taking all my meds,

- and I am Nordic Tracking my ass off! - Yes!

I've never been on a date with you where you didn't have a heart attack.

You're gonna love it.

Tony is enacting the red carpet protocol.

And I hired a neighbor girl

who's gonna sing emotional songs at us through a window.

So get ready for the most romantic

low-sodium night of your life.

Ooh!

Gentlemen, the goal is simple.

I need you to help me get rid of Derek.

- Are Super Soakers fair game? - Same question.

Only if necessary.

Now, I need to clearly tell him, "Listen up!

You have no right to be here.

Go back to Barstow."

And that would be easy if it weren't for the urges.

- Hmm. Not loving that. - Mm-hmm. Go on.

My brain knows Derek is not a good guy, okay?

But then he starts to play his guitar.

Mm. And my brain short-circuits

and I can't trust my instincts

and then...

my body wants to throw his body on top of my bed.

- We don't need details. - Sideways, right?

Are you throwing him sideways in this fantasy?

I can do anything.

I'm in control here.

- Angie. - What?

This guy abandoned you, and you're still attracted to him?

Yeah, bro. I didn't say it made sense!

So, you want us to be a-a sex buffer?

Buffer, lifeguard, loyal dog, pastor...

whatever gets you there.

But I have to warn you... when we're out there in the field,

you won't be dealing with me.

You will be dealing with Future Angie.

And Future Angie wants to bone.

Bad.

Future Angie is an irascible ho.

Can you contain her?

- Absolutely, yes. - By Super Soaker, if necessary!

Should we make it official? Blood pact?

Uh, how about a three-way handshake?

Lamer, but okay.

- One, two, three. - Three.

- Ow. Okay, you know what? - Ow. That hurt my nail. Sorry.

We'll get it when we get there. Let's move.

Okay.

Thanks for the night hats, Louisa.

You all look wonderful.

And there's more good news.

Father said tomorrow, we can have oranges.

Children. This is Owl.

You're all invited to watch him hunt mice in the yard.

Come, Louisa, it's time for the feeding.

Yes, Father.

Come.

Wasn't your mom supposed to do the sleepover tonight?

Yeah, Poppy was supposed to make us watch "The Goonies."

It's not like her to cancel.

Our dad was weird tonight, too.

Girls, wake up!

Our parents are up to something,

and they're keeping it from us!

The nerve.

Uh, guys? We have a bigger problem.

This owl is a maniac.

Oh, my night of network stars!

Yoo-hoo.

Owl grows impatient.

No matter what happens, we stick together.

United we stand.

Divided we fall.

Break.

And... we are not doing that.

Okay, girls.

We're outta here.

Our parents are hiding a secret from us,

and we are gonna figure out what it is.

We can't leave Sophie and Graham.

You mean our "friends" who went to a summer camp

where Lance Bass taught them Broadway choreography

and never asked if we wanted to go?

I am not losing sleep over this one.

So?

So.

So, is it weird that they're here?

Oh.

That's just Will and Miggy.

Is Will, like, your boyfriend?

What? No.

I mean, I'm sure he would make a good boyfriend.

- Yes, I would. - Yeah.

Not... I'm not saying I want to be her b...

- I have a girlfriend already. - No.

- He has a girlfriend. - But... Yeah.

And he hangs out with her all the time, and...

There's an intimacy, but that's just 'cause we pair...

- we share parenting struggles. - Yeah, like... It's, like, a love...

like, a mutual, like, friend love

- where I count on him, he counts on me. - So it's... There's love. It's friend love.

- We watch each other's kids. - Friend love.

Angie, I am so glad you're not seeing him, okay?

He has rage issues.

He attacked me in my place of work,

in my drive-thru.

Oh, my God.

- Is this Graham's? - Give me that.

You don't deserve to know anything about this lion.

Not that his name is Mr. Roar

or that Graham's had him since birth

or that his first name is Shaq.

No questions!

Got it. Deal.

Angie, come to the corner!

Uh... Excuse me.

I'm going to the corner.

You guys, I know what I want to say,

but I keep losing it.

It's like I need a script or something.

Oh, hey, what about your epic e-mail?

Yes! I'm gonna go print it.

No, Angie. No. You cannot use that printer.

Okay, my printer is good.

You're a tech snob.

Best 20 bucks I ever spent.

Smells like burning.

It's fine.

That'll be all for tonight, Tony.

You can go to your karate class.

I'm nervous.

Just all the build-up.

Oh, God!

- Is it your heart? - No. Worse.

If we can see them, they can see us, right?

Uh-huh. This is a disaster.

Just scanning for salient points.

I came here to say I'm sorry, Angie.

What I did is unforgivable.

There's no excuse whatsoever.

But just so you know,

I was in a really bad place that summer.

Train had just stolen "Hey, Soul Sister" from me

and ruined it.

The Tea Party was gaining momentum.

And I was sniffing a lot of markers.

I remember.

The tip of your nose was always just a little blue.