Man Like Mobeen

This programme contains some strong language

Nah, I can't do it. That's going to hurt.

Here we go.

- MOBEEN! - Oi!

What are you doing home from school so early?

If you bothered to check your phone, you'd know.

What are you chatting on about, sis?

I ain't had no calls or text messages...

Oh, I'm sorry, Aks.

I had my phone on silent.

I've been suspended.

What for?

These two Year 11 girls were bullying a Year 8 girl,

- and I weren't having it. - OK, and what did you do?

I knocked one out, and the other one went and grassed me up.

- My... - Aren't you angry? - No.

Aren't you going to tell me off?

No, I hate bullies. I'm proud of you, kiddo.

I'll come in and tell your year head on Monday what I think.

It's the start of my GCSE courses, I've been suspended for fighting,

and I'm going to miss vital revision classes,

all because I couldn't control my temper.

- Couldn't control your temper? - I couldn't control my temper!

And you don't think that maybe you should be

explaining how I might have made the wrong decision today?

I mean, when you put it like that, yeah, I can see some negatives.

Why...you always walking off on me for, man?

Acting like you're the boss. I'm the boss of this house.

- What did you say? - No, no, nothing. I didn't say nothing to you.

Sync by DakinPEx SUBSCENE

# This speech is my recital I think it's very vital

- # To rock - A rhyme

- # That's right - On time

# It's Tricky is the title, here we go

# It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time

# It's tricky

- # It's Tricky - Tricky

- # Tricky - Tricky

# It's tricky to rock a rhyme

# To rock a rhyme that's right on time

# It's tricky... #

Hey, freeze...

..before I shoot you in the man milks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right.

You know I've got gynecomastia, it's a medical condition.

- What's wrong with you? - All right, calm down.

No need to get your man boobs all in a twist.

- I've got to go, I've got to go. - Hey, hey, come here, come here.

Relax. I'm just telling your uncle what a good boy you are.

Hey, you remember when you helped my Ibrahim out with his maths GCSE?

When I gave him MDMA an hour before he sat the exam?

And he got an MDM-A star.

- How's Aksa? - Well, listen, man, at the moment, hard work.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, man, but it's just not working.

Maybe she needs her mum, I don't know, man.

And you can't help, even with your ample bosom?

Listen, young man, you need to take a leaf out of my Ibrahim's book.

He added a female perspective to his life and got married.

Hey, arranged by the family.

Best thing he ever did.

Listen, Uncle Habib, yeah, with all due respect,

yeah, I ain't taking your advice on women.

You're still banned from the swimming pool.

That case is still pending.

You can't be a mother to her.

Not even with those breasticles.

Listen - one more joke

and I'm going to send you a picture of these on WhatsApp later.

I won't send it to you. But I'll send it to you!

Oi, listen, calm down.

You used to be a bad man round these parts.

You've turned things around.

- Well, yeah. - Bad man?

- Bloody scum. - Oh, come on.

He's turned things around. Responsibility, the focus, the dean.

Anyone would be proud to call you their son-in-law.

Hold on a minute.

I'm not into all that arranged marriage thing, though.

I mean, I'm touched and that, that you two want me to consider your

daughters. I'll consider it. Yeah, I'll consider it, innit?

Our daughters? You're bloody joking.

I'd rather she did a suicide bombing.

I will put the vest on her myself.

Fucking hell!

Don't worry,

if you change your mind I'm sure there's someone we can find for you.

Hey, the world is full of middle-aged divorcees.

- Bloody scum. - That's not very nice, is it?

What do I want here?

# Mama, can I huh, mama, can I huh, huh can I mama,

# Won't you please let me, mama, can I, huh...

Hey, handsome! Oh, looking at you, you know.

Good to see you, bro, you all right? Are you all right, yeah?

# That's the sweetest little dress

# Sally, where'd you get the pattern?

# Made me one just like it out of yellow dotted swiss

# Yes, I guess we got the earliest garden in the county

# Beneath the strawberries are a heap of snappin' green beans...

What?

# Mama make Willie quit pulling at my hair!

# Mama, ouch! Ouch! Mama, just make Willie quit it!

# Tommy, if ya don't put down that stick

# I'm gonna wear you out with it, boy, be quick

# Come quick, Sammy Jean stuck her finger in a Coke bottle

# Can't get it out cos it's stuck, stuck, stuck

# Now I told you my mama didn't raise no fool

# I can do anything if I got the right tools

# Mama can I huh, mama can I huh, huh... #

What the hell is this?!

Aksa?!

I need to talk to you. I don't know how to say this, but...

- Is it your breath? - No, it isn't.

- When I was your age... - You had no friends.

No, listen to what I'm saying.

- Loads of spots. - No, you've got to listen.

At least these spots stop people noticing your breath.

Boys! Yeah? Sorry.

Boys, yeah? What do you think of boys there?

I think they are human beings.

But, no, w-w-what I mean to say is, like, you know, like,

at your age, boys and that comes to you like,

"Yeah, can I have your Snapchat and that?"

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well then, stab him. Or tell me and I'll stab him for you.

It's stressing me out, this.

- I can't believe you, Mobeen. - All boys are just weirdos.

- Don't talk to them, please. - Oh, my days.

You think I mess around with boys and that?

I swear all men are stupid, thick idiots.

Yeah, but not me cos, like,

I'm not a stupid thick idiot and I'm your mate.

I wish I had a mum here sometimes and not just a brother.

No, but that's not fair, like.

We've discussed this. I can be a mother figure to you.

Yeah, you can be a real mother...figger sometimes.

Oi, oi, oi, that's rude.

- Oi. - You scared me, bro.

- Give us a cuddle, man. - Oh, man, how are you doing?

I'm all right, bro.

- Are you all right, yeah? - Mate, that's one too many.

- Just three, just three. - All right. - Yeah?

I think it's three, I don't even know where that comes from.

Where's Nate?

He's not here.

- Thank you, Shitlock Holmes. - Shall we just go?

No, he said he's going to meet us here.

You know what he's like. If we leave, he'll freak out.

Just stay here.

Put your arms out. Up like that. Like yoga, that's it.

"I'm Mobeen!"

Ah!

Do you know what sexting is?

- Yeah. - What?

It's when... It's when...

Um... Huh...

It's shapes, isn't it? When you have a six-sided shape.

How tired are you? Very tired.

- Let's just go! - Wait, man.

Go faster, go faster, go faster.

Go faster! Careful!

Come on, come on.

No, no, no. Are you all right now?

- Yeah. - Look, if you concentrate on one spot, you won't feel dizzy.

You've got three spots.

- Are you OK? - I've been worried sick, man.

I was waiting for you two outside a mosque.

No, you haven't, cos we're outside the mosque now, look.

- What mosque were you at? - The one where all the Muslims come out of.

Muslims come out of every mosque, Nate.

But there's, like, 64 mosques in ends.

Why can't you all just pray at the same one?

How can we all pray in the same mosque?

I haven't got an answer. That's really profound, that is.

- Cheers, mate. - Yeah? - Are you not going to shout at him?

- You're shouting at him. - Why is he so late?

Books? Have you?

If that was me, you'd have shouted at me.

- Well... - I'm going to pick stuff up in the supermarket, I don't care.

He don't learn. Every single...

Since we were kids. He's like a bloody grocery pervert.

- Do we need this? - Do YOU need sanitary towels?

- I don't know what that is. - Brother, put it back, then!

Why are you always touching things?

All the time, touching, touching, touching. Have you got your list?

- Yeah, Aky gave it me. - Good, just stick to the things on there, yeah?

- All right. - Even the little cheeses in Asda, yeah,

you get to try them before you buy them,

and that's just cheese, innit?

I'm proper allergic to cheese.

I don't want you to do anything you're going to regret,

and you said arranged marriage wasn't your thing.

Domino's stuffed crust gives me haemorrhoids, actually, I think.

OK, look, man, I know what I said,

but you know as well as me that sooner rather than later,

Aksa's going to need that strong female role model in her life.

Yeah, but arranged marriage? Look, I know I'm not a Muslim, yeah,

but is marrying your cousin really the right answer?

I would never marry my cousin, innit?

He proper loves cheese.

Yeah, look, I think you're getting your arranged marriages