A.P. Bio

- - All right, everybody, start to shut up.

Let's go ahead and wrap up your current sentences

and get yourselves to a quiet place.

Mr. Griffin, Dan is in my seat.

Okay, I didn't even know it was his.

You added me to this weird class,

and now I don't know what's going on.

Calm down, calm down.

Let's don't be so rule-minded.

No point in your adult lives

will you ever have assigned seats.

- Besides airplanes. - And jury duty.

If I've already undercut myself, don't add to it.

'Kay? As you all know, this week we are

devoting our attention to the psychological dismantling

of my academic rival, Miles Leonard.

Miles happens to be British.

He also happens to be... adopted.

So this week we will practice and perfect

British accents. And whosever is best

will call him, posing as his biological birth mother

who he's never met, and tell him some sort of

devastating secret.

- Any questions? - Mr. Griffin,

are you seriously never gonna teach us biology at all?

Sure, Sarika. Maybe, uh,

Pablo Picasso can come in and teach driver's ed.

Guys, I am a published Harvard philosophy professor.

I've no interest whatsoever

in teaching biology to you people, okay?

So drop it. It's a pretty sweet deal on the table...

play ball, get an A. Come on, let's make this easy.

I'm just trying to cope through a year in Toledo

with its miserable excuse for espresso.

Put your hand down.

Next words I hear outta you better be in a British accent.

The bookstore at the mall

has good espresso... m'lord.

Hey, not bad! Looks like Anthony's out

to an early lead. Nice.

Let's open it up. And remember... British.

Female.

Hurtful. Go.

The mocha latte...

- I abandoned you in the loo. - Okay, what is this class?

Ahh...

This is my sanctuary.

Wha...

It's fine.

Ah, it's fine.

Nope.

I was kicked outta the bookstore.

Tried to explain to the manager that their staff "pick"

was feel-good soft-core nonsense.

Yeah, I happened to gesture with my coffee hand,

you know, splashed a couple measly drops on the guy.

He starts throwing the word scalded around... "You've scalded me!"

Next thing I know, this large-calfed tyrant has his troop of baboons

forcibly eject me. So... new plan.

British accents weren't exactly taking off anyway.

We will now focus on taking down the Miles display.

You will infiltrate the store by getting jobs there

and changing the staff pick, thereby giving me

some semblance of sanctuary

in this chili dump of a town.

Did Miles do something to you?

Did he get you fired from Harvard?

No, Miles just has this, um...

You know, he... he's like... You know those people that...

He wears scarves. Indoors, you know what I mean?

When he smiles it's like, "Ehh..." You know?

You just wanna... It's just ehh...

You know, he's like one of those people.

Look, do I need to go on, or are you guys getting this?

Couldn't you just find a sanctuary

in a different part of the store?

That seems easier than lashing out.

Does everyone hear him the way I do?

The grating tone? That's gonna be fatal

in a job interview, bud.

Mr. Griffin, we can't get jobs.

Yes, you can! Look, it's easy.

Couple of you get in, you flip the pic,

and then quit, for all I care.

I mean, look, it's a minimum wage job.

These things are designed to be revolving door.

So... who here has ever been on a job interview?

Once my grandma asked me

to help her dig onions in the yard.

Okay. We're gonna need some practice.

- Hello? - Hey, sorry to interrupt you.

It's, uh, Principal Durbin from work.

I was hoping to see you

in my office when you have a moment?

- How's now? - How's...

Well, you're teaching a class.

You can't literally mean now.

I'm on my way.

Well, you...

Heather, I want you to take over for me, okay?

I want you to mock interview all these people.

You guys are gonna do great. Just need a little work.

It's gonna work.

That's your signature scent. She can't...

Ah... pffft! She can't take that away from you.

Now, scoot.

Sorry, the kids come first.

- You're Jack, right? - Yes.

H.H. DeMarcus. I go by Helen.

How was Harvard?

How was all of Harvard?

Uh...

let's go with good.

If Durbin's available now, I'd love to just...

The annual bake sale is coming up,

and all teachers have to bring a baked good.

I do cream puffs, and people love 'em a lot.

But the most important part

is that we're raisin' money for the school.

And I'm gonna write down "Raisin' Money"

as a good cookie name.

I write them down when they come to me.

Now, you're getting off easy because you're new,

so I'm just gonna give you chocolate chip.

I should have stopped you so much earlier.

Why would I ever do that?

To show us how much Ram pride ya got!

Oh, I see. No, we're on the same page.

Put me down as a definite no.

You haven't gotten bitten by the Ram yet.

- Guess not. - Pam the Ram's comin' at ya.

- Get ready! - Oh, the ram's name is Pam?

All rams are male.

Pam's a trans ram.

Yeah.

Okay.

Jack comin' in!

Time to pay the piper, Jack.

Wha... I love whatever this is.

Is it something from a movie?

It's a Mercedes ad. Print.

"Never compromise."

Ah! Well, you are nailin' it.

So I'm all ears.

You gotta replace the school sign that you wrecked, homeboy.

Right? It was granite, very intricate,

very expensive work on the ram.

Jack, this is on you, and I never...

compromise.

It's funny... I've been meaning to bring this up myself.

See, my lawyers were asking if the sign was far enough back

from the road, legally speaking.

And my neck has... really been hurting.

You see, the thing is...

I also never compromise.

And as... a man who does not compromise,

I have to respect that.

And, um, I'm sure I can

trim some fat from the budget

and maybe find some folks who, unlike us,

- are willing to compromise. - Ah.

Ahh! Look alive, Whitlock!

Durbin's on the warpath!

All right, class,

I'm back, so start to shut...

up.

Hmm.

Heather, you, uh, finish those job interviews?

Yeah? Who'd ya hire?

Somebody had a lotta great references maybe, huh?

Maybe the boss' nephew.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

These damn textbooks!

You should all take a page from how cool Dan Decker is.

You're not gonna see him

thumbing through a biology textbook.

Nobody gave me one yet.

Nobody even gave him one. How cool is that?

You know what?

Line up with your books over here. Come on.

Line up with your books, let's go.

Now, you see all these open windows?

Aaaaanybody wanna guess what happens next?

Mr. Griffin, we can't throw out our books.

What about the AP test?

Oh, can we not throw out the books?

Let's go.

Toss 'em, guys, toss 'em.

Sarika Sarkar, you gonna be okay?

Not without my book, no.

Whaaaaah!