Brain Dead

you got it uh no not yet what's the problem uh

maybe it's all the metal in here no no that's not it it's gotta be um oh hold

on here we go okay mr singer we're ready

no you're not not for this do you still maintain your innocence a mr singer you can't use the f

word on tv oh all right sorry it's okay let's start over ready and you still

maintain you're innocent of all charges absolutely absolutely well

except for maybe the original moving violation so you do admit to vehicular recklessness

and to driving a 2 000 pound machine of metal and chrome irresponsibly into a populated intersection

heedless of the death and destruction you may have inflicted on innocent pedestrians at any moment you could hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

barbara walters do you want to hear this or not yes please all right then shut the up

and pay attention now obviously i wasn't there from the beginning

but based on what i know now i'm pretty sure i can piece the whole thing together

i'm pretty damn sure the whole thing started with one big cosmic accident it's a beautiful night

it's only a feeling it's all over the world and it's all

tonight

it's a beautiful night wherever you

are it's a beautiful night

no good things

my face

is

all right fellas no midges today i'm looking for at least

a two pounder yeah how about saving one for me huh buddy

hey first five of the season it's mine all mine

bill phil bill come on man bill come on man bill

oh no man don't do this to me come on

bill

what the

uh

now luella i told you once before when ben and bill get together with homer lyman

and otto up at that lodge they're doing one of two things fishing or drinking

i don't suppose you're familiar with the term personal space sorry excuse me deputy do you think i

could make a goddamn pie hole you're right it was terribly selfish of me to ask

well take the pills i don't care all right all right you take care okay

jimmy ray go get the van bring around back right to the door don't even leave this

much room you understand and for god's sake next time hold the mustard will you please

well gentlemen much as it pains me it looks like i'm gonna have to drag your asses over to jackson county

it's very disappointing very disappointing indeed because i was looking forward to having some shall we say quality time with you

gentlemen much like i had with your brother a singer correct me if i'm wrong

but doesn't your ex-wife live in jackson county god i miss her

you push me boy jimmy bob take these malcontents out of

here before i kill him you got it

i swear

i must state again that any attempt to avoid payment will be met with immediate leg

action righteously reverend eldon farnsworth praise the lord did you get all that sister amy yes i

did reverend um but now what do you mean by leg action

um that's a legal action amy where's your mind today i'm so sorry

it's all right just try to keep your mind on what you're doing

are you all right oh bless you ximena i'm just a little tired from all this

driving you shouldn't have dismissed your driver this weekend i wanted this time to enjoy our

fellowship there are so many things i want to be telling you today

tell me reverend my heart is always open

perhaps i phrased it poorly amy baby please

understand sister amy i i do love my wife but ever since the lord saw fit to

extend her from a size 6 to a size 12 i have had great difficulty expressing my physical love

but then god blessed me with you i i do not mean to dishonor you dear child

but ever since god brought us together i have been unable to rid my mind of your intense loveliness

my every waking moment is filled with impure thoughts of of you you see

a man must have a clear mind if he's uh to minister to the faithful he could not stand before his

congregation with a painful wicked throbbing please reverend stop

i've dreaded this day for so long

but i know now it is god's will he has set me here to relieve you of

your throbbing

hallelujah

candy what the hell you doing want to borrow your hoop earrings the

ones with the czs in them why are you so goddamn grumpy

i don't know could it be cause you're going through my drawers

maybe it's because i'm the only one who's been in your doors lately

believe it or not sis not everyone judges their relationships on how many orgasms they have

so can i borrow him or what jewelry stand second draw all you had to do was ask

well now i didn't want to wake you i know you were lazy well that panned

out real well didn't it nearly got yourself killed over a pair of earrings a really cute pair of earrings

not that there would have been much use with your head blown off over corn's sake don't be so dramatic

come on long as you're up making some damn coffee

all right this looks like the river on the map stop hold everything my tootsies are killing

me i don't know why i agreed to break away from the group they're probably back at

the lodge with ice cold drinks by now stop worrying i can read a map better

than that yutz guide these pretty boys kill me they grow a beard

throw on a plaid shirt and suddenly their daniel friggin boone took one look at that idiot knew he

couldn't find his way to the bathroom kind of hoping he might find his way to my bedroom before the weekend was over

guys today have more between their legs than between their ears claudia why do you have such a problem

with men i don't have a problem with men i just hate him you know what

what uh what are you doing communing

with nature it's what we came up here for right

come on in it's perfect

ah

come on what are you waiting for i think it's better if i don't chicken

be a man okay so

ow

late tonight

hmm

oh

so okay all right i'm in

grab that ladder i don't smoke it might come in handy okay

so where are we going leaving what it's illegal we're convicts besides

we're not gonna get anywhere in a flat tire spare they don't have one huh

yeah don't you read the papers watch the news budget cuts man a lot of the essentials were downsized

tires uniforms chewing tobacco but hey it was a good plan and i admire your driving

initiative that's rare in a douchebag

um those were the handcuff keys son of a get out

yeah you know i i hate when that happens

where'd they go over the river and through the woods

okay so the escape was a bust let's just turn ourselves in and when we get back to jail i'll recommend you first day of

execution what do you say oops oops what ups i have the lighter and the keys

you you tossed them

almost forgot

so

ah amy you all right

don high heels oh here let me fix those

words those are my best shoes i'm sorry i just thought well now you

can walk at least oh yeah you're right i'm sorry

it's just that i'm tired i'm the one who should apologize i'm the one who brought us out what please be the lord doth indeed

provide little road well private road means a private residence

and a private residence means a private phone exactly oh thank god

i'm so hot and sweaty my clothes are sticking to me like a second skin

do you think they'd let me use their shower i won't rest until you realize that divine wish

well she knows the reception up there is hitting miss right bill and the guys do more drinking and fishing

yeah i'm sure she'll hear from them once they run out of beer but hell i suppose i could send up jimmy ray

no it's federal in my jurisdiction i'll be heading up to the station about an hour or so if i get a chance i'll run

over and check on them then bye bye

so

well well what we're lost aren't we what's with the

attitude crap i knew it of course there's no reception out here

look i'm sorry all right you're sorry my phone bill is higher than whitney houston i can't even get a signal no

i mean about the other thing look i'm sorry that i uh touched you at the

stream oh terrific well that's what you're mad about isn't it you haven't spoken to me in over an hour

claudia forget about the stream i'm not worried about you i'm worried about bears they have much bigger hands

and they don't do their nails it's not my fault it's this map

i mean there's supposed to be a road around here somewhere let's move it then i want to beat rush hour traffic

uh

oh

dispatch this is jimmy ray i just found jimmy bob dead

thank you

hello

so okay don't tell me

wait come on okay i'm coming

okay let the blood flow chafing

now what

close that door

not bad for a starter guess we could always trade up later

hey what do you think that's all about

no power

let's go to the bedroom

two four six sip seven baits

dwarves i hate them little

so

ugh empty

what a surprise so tell me bob is this our new home now and where do you see yourself this time

next year inhale i was kind of hoping you'd

say hawaii

thank god maybe we can use their phone maybe paris hilton is camera shy you're

right it does look pretty deserted what about that dirt road we just crossed

what about it well maybe we should just go back it'll be dark in a half hour does that road have a roof well

no but then welcome to camp claudia

looks like a real fixer-upper yeah early american creepy i say we get the

hell out of here and i say you get comfortable and start looking at that map while we still have

some light

doesn't look like this place has electricity i'll fix this something new

food you know we don't even know who owns this place or anything

this could be where all the redneck hillbillies bring their sisters and farm animals for sex

it's a fishing lodge then why are all the windows boarded up

to keep the fish from getting away here have some freeze-dried snow peas and relax

oh my god oh my gosh shut up oh my god oh my god shut the up

give me your backpack you gomer

you say uh bob you remember what we used to say

back in high school whenever we found ourselves at one of those really dull parties where's all the girls remember

high school yeah or fifth grade whichever you made it to anyway i was thinking why not keep them around a bit you know

just just to liven things up i think how dull it's going to get with just the two of us not

that you're dull bob i mean what with these last few hours and all i'm going to be pissing pure adrenaline for weeks but hey

what's a party without girls you know let's have some fun with them you know tell us some off color jokes crack some

farts smack them around a bit then tomorrow morning you can wake up roll over kick one of them in the ass

and say hey wake up and make me some freeze-dried snow peas

come on bob see look at that girls are fun they're great but if you

blow their brains out then they won't be around to clean up the mess afterwards

girls are whining annoying pains and ass

not all girls bob though right i mean your mother was a girl i assume

i killed her sherbs are right the whiny cow uh let's see if they have any more food um

would you like to join us

i'm gonna take that thanks

so do you ladies have anything to declare alcohol tobacco mexicans

ixnay on the akbay octay this guy just ill caden

upk you say i said oh look at all the goodies we have we've got

freeze-dried snow peas and powdered soy milk bars and for dessert mmm trail mix with

organically grown pine nuts christ the shotgun would be more humane

it doesn't really have that lived in quality

faith amy we must have faith you must believe i believe if there's a phone in there

i'm madonna may i

what are you doing i am giving you back your bracelet i think we should start

seeing uh other felons

there you go thank you