Alanis Morissette: Feast on Scraps

This is nice, huh?

Taking a well-earned break with my coworkers.

I feel like I'm finally fitting in here.

You don't get to decide when you're fitting in.

We'll let you know.

I'm just saying... I'm getting used to it.

Ugh.

Not getting used to standing all day.

That's not a problem I have to deal with.

Yeah, well, lucky you, my friend.

Not luck... lucky... not lucky you.

That's... I don't think you're lucky.

So you think I'm unlucky?

Not... well... you know what I mean.

That's an... it's an expression.

Why don't you just eject right now?

You know, it's so weird that your feet hurt,

because every time I see you,

I feel like you're sitting.

Try doing this job six months pregnant.

Yeah, seriously. That's brutal.

I didn't know you were pregnant too.

I was when I was 19.

Then I gave birth to my daughter.

So I'm not pregnant now, but thank you for thinking so.

I didn't mean you look pregnant.

- I just meant... - Eject. Eject!

I didn't know that you had a child.

I... listen... that's... I think that's beautiful.

Really, I'm in awe of single mothers, so...

I'm married.

Ooh!

You should've just ejected, man.

Why are you in awe of single mothers?

I just think it's... it's very brave to have a child,

especially at your age.

Well, I didn't set out to have a baby.

Came from sex.

Right. Sure.

Uh, but you... you bravely

made the decision to go through with it.

Well, I couldn't get a ride to planned parenthood.

Well, if you ever need one in the future.

Jonah, I'd prefer

if you didn't offer to shuttle our employees

to the abortion clinic.

No, I meant rides in general.

What if it was just for a pap smear?

Could I get a ride for that?

They recommend one a year, but I like to go extra.

Make sure everything's up to code.

Okay. I'm just gonna say it.

I'm fine with you driving your coworkers

anywhere except the abortion clinic.

Damn it, Glenn, you cannot talk about

your personal feelings on abortion in the workplace.

- I didn't bring up abortion. - Oh, keep tempting me.

- He did! - You are begging me to...

- I am allowed to say the word. - I will write you up so hard!

Abortion! Abortion!

I'm recording this entire conversation.

Abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion!

- Thank you very much. - You dug your own grave.

I mean, it's kind of unbelievable, right?

They're definitely pretty similar.

Uh, I don't see it.

Now I get why you looked familiar

when you started working here.

At first, I thought you were

this white dude from my middle school

who wore his pants backwards

like kris kross, but nah, you him.

I... I mean,

it's a mannequin of a Caucasian male.

If that's what you see when you look at me,

then maybe this is on you.

Nah, nah, nah, it's more than that.

- It's the eyes... - Yeah.

- The nose... - Uh-huh.

And there's something about that expression.

It just kind of makes you want to...

Punch him in the face.

A little bit.

Yeah, I don't... okay. I'm not seeing any of that.

I'm seeing... I mean, what?

If anything, he looks like Tom Cruise, I guess?

You think you look like Tom cruise?

- The mannequin... - Somebody has a healthy ego!

I guess I look like Denzel Washington.

Yeah, and I look like Salma Hayek.

Come on, Denzel.

- Let's get back to work. - Okay, Salma.

I just meant that's what the mannequin looks...

Tom Cruise...

[Blue Oyster Cult's "Burnin' For You" plays]

It'd feel weird giving my baby to a stranger,

but I also don't know if I'm ready to be a mom.

I know the feeling.

I was 19 when I had Emma.

I had no idea what I was doing.

I just knew I wanted her to have a better life than me.

Yeah.

I mean, who knows?

Maybe my baby could grow up and be

an assistant manager someday.

Yeah, or, um, maybe you could dream even bigger.

Well, Glenn's the manager.

Yeah.

Well, you don't have to make the decision anytime soon.

And you know that if you want to talk about it, I'm here.

Thanks.

I'm also here if you want to talk about stuff.

I've raised a lot of foster children.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.

That means a lot.

And if you do decide that adoption

is the way you want to go

and you feel weird about a stranger,

well, maybe Jerusha and I could adopt it.

Really?

We've always wanted a baby of our own.

I mean, foster children are a blessing,

but it's as if you've been driving used cars

your whole life.

Just once it would be nice to experience a brand-new one,

straight from the factory,

that hasn't been all dinged up, you know?

Okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.

We'll keep you in mind.

Great.

Of course, it's up to you.

Bye-bye.

It looks exactly like him.

Oh! Oh, hey, man. Meet our new employee.

Jonah, meet Jonah.

He's got my... you put my clothes on him.

That's funny. The name tag, and...

So everybody thinks he looks like me?

Eh, not exactly like you.

You're a little bit more like,

"Hey, it's me, Jonah. I like to eat croissants."

Is that something I say?

It sounds like something you would say.

Yeah, or like,

"Have you seen this documentary? It will change your life."

Sounds kind of British.

"I pretend to like jazz, because it makes me seem cultured."

"I'm Jonah. I peel bananas weird."

Well, that's actually a life hack.

So... The stems create a natural holding stick.

That's why the monkeys do it.

It's, um... I saw that in a... in a documentary.

No, honey, not another foster child.

This one would be our very own baby.

Well, uh, she doesn't know the sex yet,

but she did have a dream

where Channing tatum told her it's a boy.

Oh, my gosh!

Word on the street is there's a baby up for grabs.

Huh? Oh... oh.

Yeah.

We're just thinking, maybe, about adoption.

It's a tough call.

I'm so young, and it's a lot of responsibility,

but at the same time...

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.

You?

Yeah, a baby's been part of my life plan

since I was ten.

I've got a crap load of love to give.

Anyway, here are the facts:

I have a comfortable lap,

I can get a burp out of anybody,

and I already lactate as a side effect

from some fungal medication I'm taking.

Cool.

It is not cool.

It is disgusting, if you want to know the truth,

but in this case, useful.

The point is, if you go down the adoption road,

you could do a heck of a lot worse than me.

Like Glenn, for instance.

He'd be a lot worse.

Oh, hey.

- Hey. - Uh, listen.

About all that mannequin stuff, sorry.

Everyone was just messing around.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

I shouldn't have even reacted.

I'm still new here.

I don't want my thing to be that I'm the sensitive one.

Your thing?

Yeah, like, you know,

Garrett's the cool one.

Glenn's the nice one.

Cheyenne's the perky, sweet one.

Carol's the one that says "Hashtag" everything.

Which one am I?

You're the, uh, responsible one.