How I Met Your Mother

When I first moved to New York, it was dingy, disgusting,

dirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky

and altogether terrifying,

but then, sadly.

The whole city started to go uphill.

The streets got a little cleaner,

the rents got a little higher, and one by one,

the crappy old places we loved began to disappear.

The Elbow Room, an old punk rock club,

became a drugstore.

McHale's, a working-class watering hole,

became a fast-food place.

And Fez, a Moroccan-themed lounge,

became a bank.

And not just any bank.

Goliath National Bank.

The world leader in credit and banking.

God, I love Goliath National Bank!

Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft.

And, second, why are you so excited about some bank?

Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover.

Took two months. Cost 2,000 jobs.

It was brutal.

Who wants a T-shirt?

Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department.

I could get you a job.

Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job

just to go work at a bank.

He's gonna be an environmental lawyer.

That was the plan, anyway.

Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews.

You are confident,

you are energetic,

you are focused!

A lot of interviews.

You are flexible on salary,

you're willing to compromise,

you're not gonna cry this time.

Too many interviews.

You are sad,

you are beaten down,

you will get through this, come home,

get in your big underpants and take a nap.

Which brings us to September 29,

the night of the burger.

So, what do you guys want to do for dinner?

Oh, we just got a new cook.

You have to try the burger, it's amazing.

- Great, we'll take five of those. - Five burgers.

- Really? You want to eat here? - Yeah, I'm freaking starving.

- I just finished a seven-day cleanse. - I thought you started that yesterday.

I finished early, OK?

- Five of those. - Five burgers.

Wait.

- What about sushi? - We had sushi last night.

- Italian. - I had Italian for lunch.

- I can come back. - No. We always do this.

We spend an hour arguing about where to eat,

and we end up here anyway.

I haven't eaten for two days.

Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?

Chinese?

- I don't like Chinese. - Indian?

I just said I don't like Chinese.

Indian isn't Chinese.

Weird meats, funny music, side of rice.

Why are we splitting hairs?

Mexican?

I just said I don't like Chinese.

God.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

Robin, yours will be right out.

Of course, mine comes last.

Go ahead, start without me.

Sweet! You shouldn't have. That's so kind of you.

My God.

This burger is so good.

It's like Christmas in my mouth,

meat Christmas.

It's like an angel from heaven

landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's.

Where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.

I love this burger so much,

I want to sew my ass shut.

It's okay.

Are you kidding me?

Guys, guys, guys.

When you've had the best burger in NY, every other burger

tastes like my grandpa's feet.

But you guys eat up, enjoy my grandpa's feet.

And you've had the best burger in New York.

It was eight years ago, my first week in New York,

and for a kid from Minnesota, the big city was a scary place.

Oh, thank God it's just you.

You are being ridiculous.

- You left the apartment today? - Why would I have to leave?

I can have anything I want delivered, and New York City cable is awesome.

Have you seen this public access show with the old Jewish lady in a bikini?

It's disgusting.

Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia.

- You are not gonna get mugged. - What if I do, Ted

I don't have a switchblade. I don't know how to break-dance

and win the begrudging respect of a street gang.

That's it, you're taking a walk. Come on, go.

No. Look, the old lady in a bikini is back on.

I'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable.

- Go outside, go, go. - Okay.

Leave the bat.

Fine.

So I went for a walk in the big, scary city.

And I discovered something amazing: it wasn't scary at all.

All right.

What's the word?

Your search is over!

And then, right when I started to get a little hungry,

I turned a corner...

And there it was.

The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw,

tucked between a taxidermist and a triple-X bookstore.

Name two places where things get stuffed.

So, I went inside.

And I ordered the burger.

Thank you.

Ted, you got to wake up. Wake...

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

I'm all right.

Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life!

It's this awesome little place, Regis Philbin eats there,

so it's sort of like a celebrity hot spot. But the burger,

- The burger. - Dude.

I want one of those burgers right now!

- Do you think they're still open? - I don't know.

Does stuff in New York stay open past... 9:30?

So we went out to get another burger.

But after hours of searching...

Damn it!

Where is this place?

- You couldn't find it? - We didn't know our way around.

Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours

- and one very helpful drag queen. - Wait, Penny Noir was a drag queen?

- Where do you think it was? - Probably tucked between her legs.

You know what's not a drag?

Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank.

I'm just saying.

Anyways, we never found the place.

Now, eight years have passed, still...

No burger.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Okay, here we go.

- I know the place you're talking about. - No, you don't.

It's a place called the Corner Bistro.

Greatburger.

Oh, the Corner Bistro!

It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life

searching for the best burger in New York City, but silly me,

it never occurred to me to check

the highest-rated burger in the Zagat guide.

Wow, thanks a lot, guy.

Let me return the favor.

Great cup of coffee:

Starbucks.

So I take it you've tried the Corner Bistro.

I've tried every so-called best burger

in New York City trying to find that burger.

Or at least forget about her.

We're going.

But none of those places even came close.

There was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?

Get this.

- You know who works out at my gym? - Regis Philbin.

The autographed picture.

Of course I remember the place.

It was the best burger I ever had.

I still have dreams about this burger.

Beautiful, haunting dreams!

I wake up at night screaming,

"Get out of my head, burger! Get out!"

That's the one, Mr. Philbin.

- Do you rember where it is? - No! I never wrote it down.

But not a day goes by that I don't regret it.

Why? Why? Do you know where it is?

- No. - And if you tell me

it's at the Corner Bistro, I'm gonna smack you right in the face!

- We don't know where it is. - Listen, Blondie!

Don't mess with me!

Daddy needs his meat.

I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear!

What about you, Lurch?

And what about you, satchel-mouth?

This is my cell.

You find that burger, you call me day or night.

OK, Regis, we will, we will.

What are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger!

- All right. - Let's go, all of you!

That's where my story ends.

Now I'm doomed to walk the earth

forever searching for that green door

and that red neon sign that says "Burger."

Green door, red neon sign that says "Burger?"