Plebs

Next up, it's Lot 12 - a rare import from the East in tip-top condition.

Sturdy and reliable, this big unit would work well in any modern home.

Oh, wicked! I love a slave auction.

15 - that's one-five previous owners -

but very little sign of wear and tear.

Let's just watch this guy.

Special skills include cooking, cleaning and flower arranging.

He's also a qualified masseur. Bloody show-off.

So, let's start the bidding at 50 denari. Do I hear 50 denari?

Thank you, sir. 55? 55... 55 with you, madam.

I'm looking for 60. 60 denari? 60 with you, sir.

What are you doing? Just having a cheeky bid.

What for? He can look after the horses while I'm at work.

65 with you, madam. How can we afford it?

I'll remind you that you can pay in one lump sum

or bite-size monthly instalments Bite-size monthly instalments.

Back with you, sir, at 70. Ow!

It's another of your impulse purchases. You already bought the aubergine. We'll eat it!

What do you reckon? He looks like a psycho. What? How?

The hat - it's a psycho's hat. Nah, hat's the best bit.

75... 75 back with you, madam. 80, anyone? Hold his finger, Grumio.

Who'll give me 80? 80... Yes, please! I will!

80! Anyone else? At 80, going once, going twice...

Sold to the man with the big hair!

If you'd just like to sign there, lovely.

Great. And here is your s- My name is Mushki.

I look forward to sewing you in any way I can. I hope you like horses.

I'm allergic to horses. Perfect.

But I look forward to sewing you in any other way I can.

All our slaves are non-refundable, as per our warranty.

Can I interest you in an insurance policy against damage or theft?

Theft of slaves? Oh, yes, yes.

There've been several slave-mappings in the last few weeks.

Mainly at night. If you need insurance, or a security device?

No, no. We'll. risk it. May I carry your bag, sir?

Oh. Sure. Thanks.

Mm-mm! And you, sir? I don't have a bag.

No, may I carry YOU, sir? On my back.

I'm extremely robust.

Uh, yeah, sure. Thank you very much.

You're welcome very much.

Just...

Right.

Hai-ya!

Hai-ya! Hai-ya!

Hai-ya! All right?

Hey, guys. Can you give me a hand? Metella's left the key inside.

I left the key inside with you. Then I left it inside on its own.

Either way, we're locked out. Can't Landlord let you in?

For a whopping fee. It'd be cheaper to rent another flat.

Here. Let me have a go, then. This'll be good.

Ah... So...

OK.

Argh!

Ah, OK.

Yeah, that's not gonna work.

If I might try, sin'? Here.

Ah, yes, he is extremely robust.

Do either of you ladies have a brooch or hair grip I could use?

Thank you.

And then it's simply a case of...

And... there we are.

Wow! That's amazing.

Thanks a million. You're welcome a million.

Oh, sorry. This is Mushki - our new slave.

Ah! Dinner is served.

Chicken stew with braised peppers and aubergine.

Ah! See, I told you we'd eat it. Thank you, Mushki. Mm-mm!

Aren't you going to join us?

I feel it's inappropriate for a slave to dine with his masters.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, could you grab the salt, please?

The salt, sir?

As you're up. It's just on the side. Of course.

Oh! This stew is... nice.

We've never had NICE food in this flat. Much obliged, sir.

I've been told stews are my speciality.

What would you say your speciality is, Grumio?

Road-kill? Slop from a bin? Maybe cheese rolls?

That's not cooking, that's you rolling up lumps of cheese with your filthy mitts.

Call 'em what you like, they're bloody gorgeous.

Oh, yeah, that's it. Right there.

Yeah.

I... couldn't help but notice that you enjoy your salt, sir.

Yeah, I like salt on my food.

Oh, indeed you do - you were heaping it on.

Ow. Before you'd even tasted it.

Oh. Ow. Even though I'd already added seasoning...

...to a level befitting the dish.

I'm sorry about the salt, I should have tried it first!

No, no. You're the boss, sir.

Let's put you to bed, shall we? Oh, no, I do that myself.

You did. You've got me now.

In you pop, then. I...

Let's make you nice and... comfy, shall we?

Are you comfortable, sin'? Er, yes and no.

Goodnight, then.

Night, Mushki. Thanks for everything. You're welcome for everything.

What are you doing now? Waiting for you to fall asleep.

My work's not done until you're in the Land of Nod.

So, shut your eyes. There really is no -

Shh! Shut your eyes!

Sir.

How long did he stay there for? I don't know, I was too soared to look.

But he was still there in the morning. That's dedication for you.

He's pounded the shit out of my back.

I can barely shred! Oh, you poor thing!

'My slave's over-massaged me!' My heart bleeds!

What will he do next? Over-fluff your pillows? Over-suck your nob?

I think he was punishing me for putting salt on my food.

Well, you shouldn't have done. That was unbelievable stew!

You two are such babies needing slaves to run around after you.

My slave doesn't jog, let alone run. Don't you still live with your parents?

In a separate annex - I have my own door. Your mum does your cooking?

Well - And your laundry? If she's putting a load on.

And wipes your bum. She doesn't do that.

Your dad does that? No-one does that! No-one?!

You never wipe your bum? Must be grim down there!

Grim bum! Grim bum! My bum is as clean as a whistle!

Right. Though not as tuneful I expect, water man. Water boy!

Water man! Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry to intrude. It's Flavia's birthday on Friday,

and she's demanded a spontaneous whip-round for a pressie. Ooh!

What are we getting hen'? I don't know yet.

That rather depends on the contributions.

The average so far has been around 15. Oh.

Put me down... for two.

And... one from me. Well, whatever you can afford.

If she wants better gifts she should pay better wages.

Put me down for 40. Oh, marvellous!

40 denari? She's a good boss, and I want to show my appreciation.

She won't find out who gave what, you know. Won't she?

No, it's done anonymously. Still 40?

Yes, still 40.

It's called a plate.

Please use it.

Not getting in your way, I hope. No, no. You do your thing.

And this is your thing, is it, sitting there like a pudding?

I sometimes sit outside... like a pudding.

And what service do you provide?

I suppose, like, comments, trivia, I can burp songs.

Parts of songs.

Well, I hope for your sake that's sufficient.

I've worked for enough masters to know

that anyone not providing an essential service tends to get...

squeezed out.

Oh. Hiya! Hey!

Taking no chances this time. Oh! Good idea.

Thanks so much for your slave's help yesterday.

Not Grumio, the good one. Mushki? Yeah, he's great, isn't he?

Don't you think he's creepy? I find him creepy.

He did seem a bit... OTT, I guess. Well, yeah, he is OTT,

if OTT stands for 'Oh, that's... terrific.' Which it doesn't.

Because the aubergine stew he made last night was terrific. In fact, what are you doing later?

Probably still trying to get into our flat. Why?

You should come round for dinner.

Whoa! There's shit-loads of flowers.

I thought they might brighten the place up a little.

Yeah, how much did it cost? Er, nothing, sir.

At this time of year, the meadows are strewn with gerania, croci,

and lil-ai of the vall-ai.

Oh! Also, I've made you some Valerian tea, sir

to alleviate your wretched back pain.

I fear I may have over-rubbed last night. Oh, right. Thanks.

Mm-mm! Oh, Mushki, I invited our neighbours for dinner. Is that OK?

Sorry it's such short notice. Not at all, sir.

I thrive in a dinner party scenario.

I will rustle up another of my signature stews.

That would be magnificent. I'll nip out and get a few more veggies.

I have befriend a local grocer who is giving me 'mate's rates'.

Maybe he's all right. Are you kidding me? The guy's incredible.

He's bloody bonkers. Is he, Grumio?

For doing the housework? How bonkers of him.

My hat! Oh, Jove! Oh, holy Jove! What? What's happened?

There's something in my hat! What is it?

A jobby, sir. Rather a large one.

It must have been an animal. What kind of animal could shit in a hat?

And then hang it on a peg? Grumio?

What?

Are you saying I shat in his hat? Yes, I am.

Why would I when the bog's there? Because you don't like him.

That's the only way you know how to express yourself. It weren't me.

Who was it, then? Him, probably.

He shat in his own hat? He's trying to stitch me up.

He said he'd squeeze me like a sponge.

That's not what I said, sir. I know, Mushki.

Oh. So you're gonna believe him over your own slave, are you?

Come on, you're barely my slave - you've never done any actual work.

Is that right? Yeah, you just can't take being shown up by someone with a bit of get up and go.

Oh, I'll show you 'get up and go'. Clean the hat first.

You dean the hat! Yeah...

I... may still be able to wear it

if I put it inside-out.

Not a great look. No.

Are any of you slave-nappers?

Do you know anyone who wants to nap a slave?

Oi, mate! Do you fancy napping me, by any chance?

Oh.