Two and a Half Men

Alan, I forgot my toothbrush, can I use yours?

Oh, dear Lord, no.

Do you have any idea how many bacteria

can be transferred from mouth to mouth

on a toothbrush?

I don't know. How many?

Okay, I-I-I don't know the actual amount...

Then why'd you bring it up?

Poor judgment.

The point is,

sharing these things is a bad idea.

Are you saying you don't want

your toothbrush in my mouth, 'cause, Alan...

I know, I know.

I get the hypocrisy.

Just... just humor me.

Okay, I have, um...

I have hard, medium or soft bristles.

Uh, I have straight or curved handles,

and, uh, for your flossing needs,

I have, uh, waxed, mint-waxed, unwaxed,

and if you're feeling especially adventurous,

may I suggest the cinnamon?

Maybe I'll just wait till I get home.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

One day you skip brushing, and before you know it,

your teeth rot away and you're begging strangers

to start your apple.

Fine. I'll take the pink one.

I always wondered,

what's the little rubber thing

at the end for?

Oh, it's to massage your gums.

Oh. I thought it might be an eraser...

but who writes when they're brushing their teeth?

I-I-I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, I-I-I kind of have to pee.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, no, I'll wait till you're finished.

Are you shy about peeing in front of me, 'cause, Alan...

Again, I get the hypocrisy.

I-I-I just think it's important

to keep a little mystery in a relationship.

It's just peeing, Alan.

Not necessarily.

Um, sometimes when a man urinates,

other muscles see that as a green light to relax.

So you've never peed in front of a girl?

Uh, well, my ex-wife,

but, uh, after six, seven years of marriage,

who gives a damn anymore?

Okay.

I'll brush out here. Thank you.

Ouch!

What?

One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Well, when was the last time you saw a dentist?

Alan, I see people all the time.

They don't always tell you what they do.

Hey, are you... are you done?

'Cause I got to rinse.

No, I... I can't go

when I know you're listening.

Would it help if I sang the pee-pee song?

Uh, the what?

My mom used to sing it to me.

* Tinkle, tinkle, little star

* In the potty, not the car

* Up above the bowl so high

* Like the raindrops in the sky... *

Hey, hey, it's working!

Oops, green light.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Oh... * Men.

Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop.

Should I try it again?

Uh, not yet. Okay, now.

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, Charlie!

Need any help?

Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Yeah, yank out the eight-track

and push it off a cliff.

You're useless.

Sure.

Hey, you got a little grease on your face. Where?

Cheek.

Oh.

Did I get it?

Mm, no, there's some more.

Now?

Little on your forehead.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Now sing "Swanee River."

Alan, should I try it again?

Uh, no. I'm going to call Triple-A.

Good. No sense drinking over this.

You must be so proud.

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated,

but she's street smart.

Sesame Street smart.

Just leave it alone.

Let me ask you something.

Have you stopped to consider the long-term cost

of a relationship with a girl that young?

Charlie, it's a free tow.

Oh, sure, that's how it always starts--

with a free tow-- but who's going to pay

to fix the car after it's towed?

Um...

"Um" is right, my dim-witted friend,

and that's just the beginning.

Girls like Kandi need all kinds of stuff,

and the only way they can pay for it

is through horny morons like you.

So her car breaks down, and I should just dump her?

This is a short-term relationship, right?

I don't know... Trust me, it's a short-term relationship.

I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb

in the chandelier, but even she's going

to wake up one day and wonder

what she's doing shacked up

with a penniless putz who's twice her age.

Kandi's not like that.

Just wait.

Your first minor stroke, and she'll be boinking

the cardiologist before you can scrawl

"What happened?" on your notepad.

Okay, for the sake of argument,

let's say you're right.

What's your point?

My point is, you don't dry clean a rented tuxedo.

You don't redecorate a hotel room.

You don't order cable for a port-a-potty...

unless you're really, really drunk.

And you don't take on the bills of a girl

that's got the attention span

of a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.

Okay, I-I-I appreciate your-- how shall I describe it--

compassionate advice, but all I'm doing here

is arranging for a free tow for a friend.

Alan, I don't think the engine's flooded anymore.

Fire extinguisher? Under the sink.

Thank you.

Hey, you know, if you don't hurry up,

you'll be late for school.

I don't mind.

Okay, well, that takes the pressure off.

How come my dad's not bringing me?

He's helping Kandi get her car fixed.

Aw, geez. And him already broker than a headless hooker.

Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

What gave you the idea that she hates her?

'Cause she says so...

a lot.

All right.

Why do you think?

I don't know.

She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.

Well, little man, you just answered your own question.

I did? What'd I say?

It's like this.

You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch

but he won't let you have it, either?

Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley.

He'll spit on his apple cobbler

before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Well, this is pretty much the same deal,

except your mom is Russell Beasley,

and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.

I don't understand.

Even though your mom doesn't want your dad,

she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.

Oh.

You know, I like cobbler with ice cream.

Way to follow a train of thought.

Thanks.

Well, I guess we should go to school now, huh?

Couldn't hurt.

I'll see if can find my books.

Sweet kid.

Yeah.

Shame he'll never be

anything more than a burden to society.

Yeah.

Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?

No, but my ex-wife does.

Why?

'Cause I want to sue the guy who sold me that lemming.

Y-You mean lemon.

I do?

Okay.

Did-did you get any kind of a-a written guarantee

when you bought it?

No, it was more of an oral agreement.