Gina Brillon: The Floor Is Lava

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Please welcome to the stage

the talented, the amazing Gina Brillon!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I see you.

I see you.

Wow. Oh, my God!

You guys.

You guys, don't. It's not waterproof.

I can't, I'm gonna cry off my eyelashes.

Guys, I can't thank you enough.

What an incredible welcome. Wow.

Uh, I'm excited for you to be here.

Thank you for coming to El Museo del Barrio.

I love that we're here, uh, in this historic place,

and it-- it was so important to me to do this special

in New York.

Yeah.

I-- I love this city.

Like, I love this city, I'm a native New Yorker,

I'm born and raised here.

And when you're born and raised in New York,

you know New York ain't for everybody.

That's how we like it.

We don't want anybody just rollin' up in here.

Right? 'Cause people come to New York

and then they complain about being in New York.

And we're like, then go.

Yeah.

Like, we did not request your presence.

You just showed up.

Then they walk around the city complaining about everything,

like, New York is so gross.

New York is so gross.

I'm, like, really?

People don't openly poop in the streets where you come from?

Well, then, where you live is lame.

Spice it up.

Are you guys-- You guys seem so ready.

Are you guys ready to receive comedy?

Thank you.

I always feel like I need to poll the audience now

'cause there's so much sensitivity,

I feel like I have to be like,

are you guys in a safe space for some jokes?

Can you guys forget your trauma for a few minutes?

While I tell you about mine?

I try, I try to be sensitive to everything,

but I'm losing myself in this PC world of

being so correct,

I don't know what to call people anymore.

Like, I don't know what to call my garbage man,

a garbage person?

That seems harsh.

Like, if somebody were to tell me I'm a garbage person,

I'd be like, no, you have such a good heart.

Why would you say that?

You're so fun and so kind.

They're like, no, Gina,

I pick up trash for a living.

You're an Uber driver? That's crazy.

I take Uber, too, I'm trash.

I do. My favorite new game is lying to Uber drivers

about what I do for a living.

'Cause I used to stupidly tell them the truth.

I'd tell them I'm a comedian,

and they'd be like, "Say something funny."

But when I tell 'em I'm a stripper, no more questions.

You don't want to know about my relationship with my father?

Seems like an obvious line of questioning.

Last time I got in a car, the guy asked my what I did for a living,

I was like, sir, I'm not at liberty to discuss that.

Please keep your eyes on the road.

And then I just started wiping my fingerprints off of everything.

He was so scared.

Like I said, I'm a native New Yorker,

I'm born and raised in the South Bronx in New York.

Woo! Yay. I see you.

Greetings, gangsters.

A hardy year to all of you.

Being from the Bronx, there's always gonna be, like,

a 'hood side to me.

Like, there's always gonna be 'hood in me,

like, there's 'hood me,

and then there's evolved me.

But 'hood me is still there.

Like, evolved me knows that hurt people hurt people.

But 'hood me just wants to hurt people,

she don't care about your back story.

They're constantly battling for control.

Like, 'hood me and evolved me.

I gotta leave 'hood me repressed.

I keep her repressed...

until I get angry.

That's when the 'hood spirit

inhabits my body against my will.

And I can't control what happens.

And it scares people 'cause they don't expect it from me.

It scares my husband.

It do.

'Cause I'll be like, "Honey, can you take out the garbage?"

And if he says the wrong thing.

I'll be like, "Oh, word!"

"Oh, we fightin' now?"

"Okay, okay, you know what? I'ma calm down

before I key our car."

Say I won't. Wish you would say I won't.

That's why I gotta let evolved me run the show.

She's gotta navigate through the non 'hood world.

'Cause sometimes you want to handle something

like you would on the block.

Right? 'Cause I be like,

on my block, this would be a fight.

But I can't beat you down in a boardroom.

So now I gotta figure a way to verbally beat you down.

You know, still sound intelligent,

not use the F word.

I gotta Rubik's Cube some words together.

Like, I don't mean to be offensive but...

I'm not tryin' to hurt your feelings.

All because I cannot take the "are you stupid?"

out of my tone.

It's such a struggle.

It really is.

It is such a struggle.

No matter what I say, if I don't like you,

I could say good morning, and you'll be like,

"What the hell did you just say to me?"

I'll be like, "I said good morning."

"Honey, call the police."

By the way, when I say I'm 'hood,

I'm not Cardi B 'hood,

I'm, like, Drake 'hood.

Like, I'm not dangerous,

but I will be the scariest person in Canada.

I just celebrated my two year wedding anniversary

not too long ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can clap, I like him.

I appreciate those of y'all who held your applause

to make sure I was happy first.

It was like, "Huh? Oh, she good, she good."

I got a good one, I married a good dude,

I got me a 1978 Caucasian.

My husband's white, that's what I'm tryin' to tell y'all.

He's not just white, he is Midwest white.

Yeah, that's right, that's organic, girl.

That is--

Whoo!

That is farm to table white, y'all, like that--

I went to the source to get my white man.

I am not white, I am Puerto Rican,

which, uh--

Yeah.

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, probably my cousins.

You know how we get around.

My husband loves the fact that he's married a sassy Latina.

He loves to bring it up in conversation

when it has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

He'll be like, "Hey, guys.

"My wife's Puerto Rican.

Enjoy your meal."

I get it, I mean, he's excited.

I'm the only Latin woman he's ever been with,

so I'm his first.

He's not my first white guy. I have a--

I've been with white guys before.

Mainly to get information and take it back to my people.

I like how most of y'all laughed.

Some of y'all were like, "I knew it."

"I knew that was their plans for world domination."

First white guy I dated was years ago.

He took me to his parents' lake house,

and I was like, oh.

'Cause that's when I found out white people buy houses

that they don't live in.

I was like, that's money money.

How many sub houses do y'all have?

They had fancy food at the lake house.

I remember this because I was traumatized.

'Cause I wasn't used to that,

so I kept messin' up and eatin' the decorations

thinkin' they were part of the food.

Because fancy food is food that's decorated with other food.

And then you gotta figure out what part of that

you're supposed to eat.

That's the game.

We've all been through it, right?

You go to a posh restaurant,

you order what you think is an adult size meal.

And they come at you with a shrimp on a spinach leaf.

And a radish shaped like a rose.

That's what they had at the lake house,

I ate the whole thing. I ate the whole thing.

Here's a pro tip: if you eat the whole thing,

your boyfriend's parents will talk to you like you're an idiot the whole night.