Archer

And if it happens again,

I'll put a lock on it so no one can enjoy it.

Moving on, item 7.

I'm afraid I have some tragic news.

Item 6 wasn't tragic?

Zip it!

Agent hector ruíz, who had

Infiltrated el frente rojo, was

Killed last night when his cover was blown.

Who?

How in the world did his cover get blown?

gracias, amigo!

Y viva la -- puta madre!

Perdóname, señores.

Hola?

Ruíz. Hey, man. Talk to these chicks, all right?

Tell them how we're really isis agents.

They don't believe me.

hello!

Señor wingman!

He probably just got careless.

I'm sure hector didn't get --

Oh, come on!

Ruíz was a loose cannon.

He played it fast, and he played it loose.

And in the end, he got burned.

Be that as it may... Loose cannon.

...For isis to continue enjoying title 6 tax

Incentives, we have to meet

Certain...Diversity requirements.

Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.

Ha! Please. What?

You're black...Ish. "Ish"?

Well, what's the word for it, lana?

You freaked out when I said "Quadroon."

Imagine that! You imagine it!

Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Because after losing agent pak last year...

Hey, tell this broad

What's up with isis, pak-man!

Wokka wokka wokka!

...And then agent mgumbe...

Hey, you going to this lame isis picnic?

Loose cannons!

...The isis palette has become decidedly

Monochromatic.

I'm 1/64th cherokee. What?!

"A," No, you're probably not.

And "B" Through "Z,"

Nobody gives a shit.

racist! What?!

you're anti-native american!

Item 8. We need a diversity hire.

I vote asian chick.

And after an Exhaustive search,

I found the perfect candidate.

So join me in welcoming our

New isis agent... Stern.

Conway stern.

He's a diversity double whammy.

So that was the firing range and the cafeteria,

And -- do you keep kosher?

Well, I-I do have a weakness for prawns.

Me too!

I'll have them make paella tomorrow.

Okay, that's the mainframe, and

These are all just...Drones.

Hey! "Drones"?

Malory, t-these are the unsung

Heroes of isis.

I mean, where would we be

Without my man cyril in accounting...

Hey, thanks...Bro.

You got it, buddy.

...Or the lovely pam in human resources?

Yeah, I am kind of lovely.

A lt ast bunott

Least -- I'm sorry, I don't know your name.

me neither. See?

They don't know anything!

Now over here is a big corner office.

I see it's currently empty.

like my "Vagine."

Yeah, but unlike your

Dusty "Vagine," It's not gonna stay empty.

Wait.

You don't think you're getting the office?

Well, I am the human resources director.

But, pam, come on.

Let's face it -- your entire job

Could be done by a -- a bulletin board.

You heard conway.

I'm essential. How?

I can go online and get a list

Of every federal holiday for the next --

wow. 10,000 years. Wait. Really?

10,000? oh. No.

This isn't even on.

I'm gonna get that office!

I'm getting it, pam! oh, my god.

I am surrounded by idiots.

And this...

Is the locker room.

Yeah, the, uh,

Lockers were a tip-off.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

But if you need anything,

Well, you know how to whistle,

Don't you, conway?

Yep. Lips together, blow. Got it.

malory: Oh you are just a little treasure!

conway: Jesus, conway, what

Have you got yourself into, man?

archer: You better praytce wasn't my mother.

conway: I'm fairly confident

That you misread that whole situation.

archer: Oh, yeah?

conway: And I'm real confident you misread this one.

Uh, how about this one?

This one, uh, actually seems kind of gay.

Maybe because our, uh, penises are touching.

Yeah, so let's go on...

Three!

What, you, uh, you see something you like?

Wh-- no, you...Queer.

Oh, I'm queer?

From the guy whose tiny gun came

With a matching purse.

Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.

What?! That little --

God damn it, archer! See that?

He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him.

So you just watch your step,

Mister, uh, damn it. Hey, right there,

What you should have gone with

Was "Sammy gay-vis jr."

Damn it! Come on.

She doesn't need a corner office

Just to xerox the isis

Newsletter. Color xerox!

And, what, you need more room

To chop vegetables? All right!

Obviously, I need to make a

Decision, but which shall it --

Or I could give conway both. You what?!

I already took care of those.

Frodo and salsa were my operations!

conway: At ease, career admiral.

Malory was getting impatient on salsa.

lana: Salsa was a highly Complex operation.

conway: Two phone calls. And as for frodo...

lana: Wh-- conway: Well, some pun involving hobbits.

like, I bet he wishes he was

Wearing bilbo's coat of dwarven mithril, right?

conway: Gonna take your word on that.

lana: Oh, yeah? Well, take my word on this --

I'm the top agent around here, so watch it!

so, see, in middle-earth --

Come on, buddy. You're kidding.

archer: No, I'm dead serious. Yeah?

archer: I want to file an

H.R. Complaint against conway. On what grounds?

archer: He touched my penis with his penis.

archer: Yeah, he just came up to me and was like, "Byop."

Where? archer: All of it -- head and shaft.

No. archer: Oh, you mean where in the building?

'cause that shouldn't matter. I've got this other

Complaint from brett, who says you shot him again.

archer: Here's the thing about brett.

Aw, shit! Those were the newsletters!

cyril, I need a little favor.

cyril: Okay, cari-- oh, now itta "Crisl"?

cris-tal!

You know, like the champagne?

It's what hot black guys drink.

cyril: Uh, you sure about that?

and I want conway to drink

Me, so I need you to hook a sister up.

Well, I will... Certainly try.

don't try. Do.

And, here, use this.

Uhh! Wow! What is this? tell conway that his

Secret santa wants to come early. cyril: Ew.

or, you know, whoever brings

Jewish people their christmas presents.

lana: What are you doing?

archer: Uh, none of your business-ing?

And what kind of spy agency

Scrimps on a freaking shredder?

lana: Well, apparently the

Kind that scrimps on background checks.

Who is this guy? archer: I don't know, but I

Got a bad feeling about mother's

Little "Project conway."

lana: So, I must be having a

Stroke, because we actually

Agree on something.

archer: Wait. Really? lana: Totally!

I mean, he shows up out of

Nowhere and starts trying to get