Life's Too Short

Hello, Dwarves for Hire.

'My name is Warwick Davis.

'I'm an actor...'

He smells. I think you'll find it's the bin.

'An entrepreneur...'

Signed DVDs of The Office, only 30 quid.

'Soon to be divorced...' I wanted to be a nurse.

Do we really need any more nurses?

'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill...'

Would you be better off dead? Yes!

I'm out flat-hunting this morning.

Got tired of crashing with friends.

I'm 41 years old, I need a new crib.

Estate agents will always try and screw you.

Now, you want them to think they need you a lot more than you need them.

You know, if they say, "Nice place, isn't it?", you go, "Hmm, not sure."

Even if it's perfect, always find a problem. You understand?

Yep.

This is how we'll play it.

You're my right-hand woman and you ask all the questions.

It'll seem like I'm too important even to talk.

No-one knows what I'm thinking.

As far as the estate agent's concerned, I'm just some cool dude with short arms and deep pockets.

Yeah.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yeah.

No.

No?

No, but it's him you've got to please.

What do you think?

No-one knows what he's thinking. He doesn't even know what he's thinking.

I know! He knows. For him to know and you to find out.

And don't charge him too much,

cos he's got tiny little arms and so he can't reach his pockets.

That's not what I said. I said that, oh, er...

I've got short arms and deep pockets.

Shall we have a look round the rest of the flat? Mm-hmm.

Problems.

What? Find a problem, remember?

Sorry, I can see some problems.

Problems? Like what?

Er, oh, um...

This corner here, sharp corner.

What if he, um, runs into that while he's playing?

Playing? Playing.

Well, no, what, what she means is, is, is that I...

I'm a player, you know, like a playboy player, yeah?

But don't worry, there'll be no trouble.

Settled down now, respectable, no more chasing the girls.

He was always chasing the girls.

Mm-hmm. Was he?

Yeah. But not in a scary little rapey way.

And he wouldn't do anything if he caught them.

I mean, there's nothing of any importance he could reach on a girl, anyway.

Unless they fell over while he was chasing them, then he could touch them everywhere.

Weren't we're having a look round? Yeah. Shall we just...

Oh, there's a kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all mod-cons.

Fan-assisted oven.

OK.

Fridge freezer, very big, lots of room.

Is this microwave radioactive? Sorry?

Are microwaves radioactive?

What's that? That's a drainer for plates. Oh!

Do you like your job?

It's great, especially when you're showing flats like this.

At the point that we do take the house... Mm-hmm, the flat, mm-hmm.

Do you think that, um, at any point we'd be able to have

some kind of, like, moving in, kind of ceremony?

Do you mean like cutting the ribbon at the door?

No, I mean like a ceremony, a kind of blessing of the flat.

Yes, I'm sure that would be... that would be fine.

Here's another problem. What?

Look, problem. Hey, look, flag it up. Oh.

Um, excuse me, I've found another problem.

What's that?

Can you see the problem here? He's, um, too short.

No, I'm not too short, it, it's too high.

For you. It's fine for us, look.

Yeah, well, you won't be living here will you? It'll have to be changed.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Sorry, would you mind if I just use the toilet? Yep.

Thank you.

Well, go on.

Got a nice little communal garden here. Yeah, this is really nice.

It's quite private, nobody comes out here, all busy working.

I tell you what. You know, um, if we get, um, this place sorted properly?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Er, we could get some tracks down and, er,

we could have a little sports day event for him

and his friends, for Warwick and his friends.

Yeah, that's a great... Do some relay races.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, anything. We could do hopscotch. Yeah.

You don't get any sort of, like, things in here that are going to eat him or anything?

No, no, no.

No. It's fine, it's very, very safe. But I mean, are you sure?

You've got the exit over there. It's my job to make sure it's safe.

Cheryl!

What?

Oh! Ow! Fucking, pissing sock now.

Get here and help me down!

Jeez, I've been trapped in 'ere ages. Fucking... Oh!

Oh, I've been trying to get your attention. Get out! Don't look!

You getting all this? Don't shut the door!

Oh!

I'm doing this round table meeting at Sue's request.

She's started divorce proceedings.

I can't afford a lawyer, so I'm being represented by my accountant.

HE SNIGGERS

Warwick? Mm-hmm. Ian Walt. Nice to meet you. Hello.

I'm Sue's solicitor, Ian Walt. And you are?

He's MY solicitor.

HE LAUGHS.

Not really, he can't afford a solicitor. I'm his accountant!

I have to advise you,

you really should retain a proper qualified solicitor.

He studied law as well. Yep, one term at the University of Bolton.

Haven't heard of that school. Did it used to be a polytechnic?

No, I think it used to be a launderette!

No, seriously, it was a shit-hole, but I wasn't cut out for law, anyway.

Too hard!

You know what I'd like to do? You know those big rigs you get in America?

I'd like to get behind a wheel of one of them and just drive across country,

and sort of imagine myself driving along, and seeing an old shack,

and driving straight through it, and wood and chickens

flying everywhere and people shouting, "Hey look at that guy!"

Sorry, sorry. Can you just put your dreams on hold for now and focus on this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Um, so what's the usual split? About half and half?

Well, that's what we're here to negotiate.

Yeah, gotcha, yeah. Erm, so...

'I'm not seeing this as a final chapter.

'I'm seeing this as a chance to listen to her complaints,

'make amends and start again.'

Depending on what the complaints are. If it's leaving the toilet seat up, fine, won't do it again.

If it's, "Must try harder in the bedroom," forget it. I couldn't.

I've been working me bloody socks off, love. I'll have a coronary.

Any more effort on my part and you'll open your eyes to a dead dwarf slumped on you.

There's loads of jobs I'd like to do before accountancy.

River police.

How do you get into being river police? I'd love to do that.

"Oh, what's that? Dead body."

Get it out, it's a tramp. "Has he been murdered?

"Looks like it. He's been raped."

We don't know.

So Sue says you're a famous actor. Well, you tell me.

I've not heard of you. Are you famous?

Yes. Sue says you've been in some films? Some films?

Have you heard of Star Wars and Return Of The Jedi?

Yes. Yeah. The Harry Potter films, you heard of those? Yes.

And, er, have you heard of a film called Willow? No.

No? No, I've never heard of Willow. Were you in that?

I was the star of that, yes.

No, I've never heard of Willow. Right.

Not many people have. It was not a success. It was a success!

Not really. Return Of The Jedi was a success. I was in that. What were you in that?

I was an Ewok. So your face was covered up?

Yes, it was... I don't remember seeing you in Harry Potter, either.

Yeah, I was Professor Flitwick.

You couldn't really see his face. If you'd seen Willow, my face was in that.

As I said, I've not seen Willow, or heard of it.

No. And as I said, no-one has, so don't feel too bad.

Have you heard of a little show called The Office?

Were you in that? No, but I was in Extras, made by the same blokes.

Oh, I didn't see it.

Didn't you? Oh, I didn't like it.

It was just a sitcom where famous people popped up as themselves.

I must be pretty famous or they wouldn't have had me in it.

Yeah, it wasn't clear if you were supposed to be famous. Did they mention your name?

You were a prop, basically you were a prop.

Sorry, why are we discussing my CV?

Can we just get back to this?

We are still trying to lobby the Government to fund

our community outreach programme, and some people have asked me how you can get involved.

Well, we do need some volunteers to leaflet outside Parliament this Saturday.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me, actually.

Never mind doing something for no money, that won't change anything.

I'm looking for a couple of volunteers, cos my lot

have got a bit militant lately and, er, I've got a gig this Saturday, Students' Union,

£150 cash-in-hand.

Yeah.

All it is, is you're a human bowling ball, basically.

You're in your pants, you're greased up, slung along the floor by some pissed-up students.

Easy money. Warwick, sorry.

I don't think this is the right place to recruit for that.

It's perfect, there's loads of dwarves here.

What I mean is you're the Vice-Chairman.

You're a spokesperson for little people, yet when we're trying to get things like dwarf-tossing banned

from rugby clubs and university rag weeks,

you're the one hiring out those dwarves to be thrown.

I want people to see a little person, wonder if he's a doctor or a lawyer,

not wonder which cannon he's going to be fired from today.

'The trouble with Anthony Braden is he's giving little people false hopes.'

I've seen him say to young dwarves in there, "Oh, you can be an astronaut or a doctor."

No, they can't, they're too small. Not going to be a doctor.

Can be a proctologist, maybe.

Then he'll be on his high horse again, "No, why can they only be proctologists?"

Cos the only thing they can reach is the arse. And I'll have all these disillusioned dwarves

crawling back to me, "Oh, don't want to spend me days doing that, I want to be in the movies."