The Simpsons

Ho, ho, ho!

*THE SIMPSONS*

*THE SIMPSONS* Season 31 Episode 10

Episode Title : "Bobby, It's Cold Outside"

D'oh! Ho, ho!

Sync corrections by srjanapala

And now to order my Christmas gifts

with plenty of time.

Hmm. UPS tracking says my packages just arrived.

All I have to do is look down.

D'ah!

Who could've done this? Who?

Hmm. Needs tinsel

to reflect the horror in Bart's eyes.

Oh, a visitor. Coming.

Ahoy! Are there any lonely lighthouse keepers abaft here?

Oh, hello, Cassandra.

Surprise! I made you muffins.

You want to know a secret?

I used two sticks of butter.

Do you have any deep dark secrets?

Merry Christmas, Father!

Stay out of trouble.

Nope. No secrets.

So, have you ever thought about children?

Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me!

Oh, if you'll excuse me,

my gimbals need a good whale oiling.

- Ta! - Oh,

you might get some other visitors.

I mentioned you in town today.

You told people about me?

What did you tell them?! What?!

That you had kind eyes, a beautiful voice,

and no wedding ring.

There he is!

I was a fool to let my guard down with a woman

who runs a seaward-aiming Fresnel lens!

From hell's heart I stab at thee!

Oh, my God. Just listen to that mellifluous baritone.

He's perfect for the role.

Role? Role?

You're offering me an acting job?

Yes! It's to play Santa Claus at a small amusement park.

Oh, what the hell. It is the lead. I'm in!

Dinner is served.

Hey, let's see what's on your tag.

"Cadaver-sniffing dog"?!

Ah, that's another job I didn't get.

It's gone. My porch repair kit is gone!

D'oh!

A little help!

Another crafts project gone out of hand?

- Yes. - If you're not tied up tomorrow,

I took the day off from work.

I was thinking we could watch an R-rated movie.

Finally, the sexy story of Tony Roma's ribs.

But tomorrow I promised the kids I'd take them out of school.

It can be our family day.

Yawn.

We'll go to Santa's Village.

Oh, I hate that place. It's so crowded at Christmas.

And the giant candy canes are not real.

But they are electrified!

Well, we're going and taking the kids.

Why couldn't that be me?

- Homer! - Oh...

Play this at my funeral!

Why do the low-budget parks we go to

have so many white trash idiots?

Oh! Boy, that's good.

Why? Why?

Well, I'm getting right in line for Santa.

Eight hours to see a fat lazy drunk-o?

I came to this park to get away from one.

Wow. Even Chanukah Hollow is packed.

Check out the Dreidel Casino.

Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel!

Ah, shin again!

I thought this would be

the one part of Judaism I'm good at.

Typical.

The one ride is a stupid, boring kiddie ride.

At least you get to have fun.

Hey, buddy, thanks for saving me a spot.

Bart, you cut the bullies.

In this situation, we assign equal blame

to the cutter and the cuttee.

Let him go. I don't want to get blood

on my Christmas sweater.

Oh, there's gonna be blood on your sweater, all right.

I just said I didn't want that!

Hello, young man.

Climb right up.

Santa? Bartholomew Simpson.

- You don't know me, but... - Oh, but I do.

Hello-ho-ho, Bart.

Sideshow Bob!

Merry Christmas.

He's in a good mood.

Yes. This is the year I get the monkey.

I keep telling you,

a monkey is a huge responsibility.

I'm raising a kid. I think I can raise a monkey.

So easy. After all these years,

I get to watch the life drain from your eye, your I...

I can't kill you!

- Want to know why? - Mm, nah.

I am a trained method actor.

I inhabit my roles.

Like Daniel Day-Lewis in Phantom Thread.

Or Mike Myers in The Love Guru.

Why should I trust you?

Because I am utterly incapable of stepping out of character.

I am Santa Claus.

The jolly old elf himself.

Ho, ho, ho.

So can we get in to see you ?

15-minute break. Santa's making presents.

Ooh...

I'm telling you, this is Sideshow Bob!

- He tried to kill me! - Well?

I am a card-carrying seasonal Santa.

Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732.

Hey, I was a mall Santa, too.

I still wear the belt.

Uh, if you're gonna spend this much time with our Santa,

you have to pose for a photo.

Photos with Santa, $40.

Marge, just take one with your phone!

- Got it. - Run!

This will stop the jerks who've been stealing packages

off my porch: a decoy with an exploding dye marker inside.

You don't think you packed in a little too much gunpowder?

Relax. I learned how to do this from my Uncle Two Fingers.

Oh, my God. You're the package thief?

Lenny. Who did this to you? Can you say it?

- Eh. - Can you whisper it?

- Eh. - Can you write it with your blood?

Ooh.

I'm a little worried our Christmas packages

haven't arrived.

Marge, relax. There's plenty of time.

It's 8:00 p.m. Christmas Eve!

Just sit back and watch this Fox News yule log.

We interrupt this yule log with a special report.

Package delivery thefts continue in Springfield.

Local man Leonard "Lenny" Leonard

had his jingle bell rung in a package deal gone boom.

Our only clue is these initials next to the corpse.

He's not a corpse. He's breathing.

- I say he's a corpse. - And I say I'm not.

Uh... you don't get a vote.

"S.B." is Sideshow Bob!

That's what he's up to.

He's stealing Christmas!

A fellow Santa could not steal Christmas.

I know who this mysterious "S.B." is.

Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier.

Uh, tell Scott Bakula, Steve Ballmer

and Sandra Bullock they're off the hook.

I should've been back at NCIS: New Orleans

two hours ago.

Why don't you just Quantum Leap there?

Why don't you learn how to be a cop, fatso?

I loved it! Mistaken identity!

I sold ten, ten season tickets to the guys in my cell.

Everything we do is successful, booyah!

Santa's Village, please.

What do you want to go there for?

I'm saving Christmas.