Friday Night Dinner

Oh my God!

What is he wearing?

Hi, Dad.

You nearly gave me a heart attack. Hello, bambinos.

Er, why are you dressed like that?

Like what?

Like a sex attacker.

Oh, yeah. For my sex attacks.

And what are those?

My old wellies. I just cut them down a bit.

Because...?

Yeah, I think there was a reason, er...

Well, take a box!

Really?

Come on! Bone idle.

What are you doing?

I'm doing a bonfire.

A bonfire?

A bonfire?

What are you burning?

Your mother.

I'm not quite dead yet. Hi, boys.

Hi, Mum.

Just put them down over there.

No, not there - there!

No, there.

You're welcome!

Dad looks nice.

Doesn't he? Martin, can you please not wear your Little Miss Muffet boots in the house?

Yes, mein Fuhrer!

Please stop doing that!

And Jonny, can you please stop eating cream?

What?

Right, I'm going outside.

Good idea. Try not to burn the house down.

What's he burning?

Oh, his old science magazines.

I thought he'd thrown them all away?

So did I,

till I found him putting them in the attic at 3am.

Excellent.

About what?

The wedding, silly.

What wedding?

The wedding!

What wedding?

I can't believe you two! Neil's wedding.

Neil...?

Oh, you mean boring Neil?

He's not boring.

And ugly Karen.

Karen's not ugly!

Mum, she's got a face like a foot.

Stop it!

She does, she definitely has a foot face.

Well, maybe her face does look

like a foot, but she's a lovely girl.

For a foot.

I now pronounce you man and foot.

You may kiss the foot.

Do we have to go? No-one's going to notice.

Shut up! It's Val's son, she's my best friend. You're going.

Why can't it be a funeral?

At least it'd be over quickly.

Yeah, Neil and Karen's double funeral.

Very nice! And you wonder why you're both single?

Excuse me, I've got a girlfriend.

Hmm, that's never been proved.

Alison is coming on Sunday, isn't she?

Hmm?

Don't tell me we have to wear a suit?

No, you go naked.

Cool! Wedding orgy.

Jonny, do me a favour? Shut up, and put the crumble in the oven.

Adam, can you look at this? It's stuck on speakerphone all the time.

Is it?

Mmm, Dad dropped it in the loo.

Eurgh!

PHONE RINGS

Er... Hello?

'Hello! It's only Val.'

Oh, Val, Val.

Hi, Val!

'Hello!' It's Val.

Hello, Aunty Val.

'Hi, boys. Looking forward to meeting your girlfriend on Sunday, Jonny.'

Right.

Well, well?

'It's here!'

Ooh! And how does it look?

'You'll find out soon, I'm bringing it round!'

Ooh, Val!

'See you soon!'

Bye!

What's she bringing round?

Her dress, she's had it altered. It's so exciting!

Ooh, I must get my camera.

There's fox shit everywhere.

Thank you, Martin. Val's popping round with her dress.

What?

Val's bringing round her dress.

Oh.

Aren't you excited?

Very. Er, boys, can you help me with the fire?

Do we have to?

Yes, I really need you.

All right, I'll get her arms, you get her legs.

It's not very big.

What?

You said it was a bonfire.

Well, it is a bonfire. What did you expect?

Um, maybe a bonfire?

Where are all the flames and stuff?

Right. So do we just...?

Wait!

OK.

What?

Come on.

And mind the fox shit.

What are we...?

Put them there.

Not there, there!

Sit down.

Sorry, why are all your boxes in here?

Why aren't we burning your stuff?

What?

The magazines.

Because I'm not really burning anything.

What?

Sorry?

What, you're just pretending to burn things?

Correct.

You're having a pretend bonfire?

Yes.

Because you've got a mental disorder?

No, because Mum will think I'm burning all my things.

Wouldn't it be better to actually burn your things?

Don't be an idiot. I'm not burning all my old magazines! They're collectibles.

Er, they're really not...

Mum will do a mental on you!

You're not going to tell Mum, are you?

What if she comes in here?

She won't.

What if she does?

Your Mum hates it in here. Last time she came in my shed was 9/11.

9/11?

She was scared.

This way I get your Mum off my back and I get to spend lots of lovely time in my lovely shed.

Lovely?

I take a box from the garage, walk through the house,

pretend to dump it in the fire then I come in here and have a nice sit down. Lovely.

Shall we see what's on then?

What?

You've got a telly in here?

Ssh! Beer?

Sorry? TV? Beer?

When did our Dad become cool?

What do you mean?

I'll have a beer!

Yeah, all right.

What do you think, lads? Good plan?

Yeah, a good plan.

A very good plan.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Oh, yes, it's non-alcoholic lager. I bought the wrong ones.

So, it's all happening out there?

What?

You've got all your stuff out there?

Yeah, it's all happening out there.

All your old newspapers? Yep.

And all your horrible New Scientist magazines?

Yep, all on the fire, burning away out there.

Still got a lot more to do though, haven't we?

What?

Oh, yep, lots more to do.

No, don't worry, Jackie, it's all going to plan.

It's a good plan, isn't it, lads?

A very good plan.

A very, very good plan.

Well, well done. Here, have another bit of chicken.

Mmm, actually, I'd rather have a lovely bit of squirrel!

Oh, you bastard!

Yes! 1-0!

Adam!

Arsewipe.

Jonny!

Oh, where is she? I can't wait much longer.

For what?

The dress, of course. Val's dress!

And the bride's hat, which is a shoe.

And the veil, which is a sock!

So she is coming on Sunday, isn't she?

Who?

Alison! Your girlfriend.

You know, the one that doesn't exist.

Ha-ha!

No, she does exist, she goes out with Simon.

Shut up!

Yes, shut up Adam.