Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city

‫used to love you, what a pity

‫I miss the questions you used to ask me

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫I love martinis, they heal all wounds

‫After about 1,000 of them, I'm still amazed

‫But your poor liver has had to work so hard

‫I know, I know, I'm very proud of her

‫- Your liver is female? ‫- All of my internal organs are women

‫Listen, I have an early surprise ‫birthday present for you

‫- When is your birthday, by the way? ‫- In about six months

‫Oh, well then, this is very early

‫You know the director Jim Jarmish ‫right? Down by Law, Broken Flowers?

‫Yeah, I love his movies

‫Well, I saw Jarmish the other night ‫oh, he has very good hair, just...

‫anyway, he wants to meet ‫with you, give you a script to read

‫- Why does he want me to read a script? ‫- Turns out that he loves your first novel

‫and he wants you to do ‫a revision of one of his screenplays

‫We're gonna meet him at a film ‫society party tomorrow sometime

‫and I've set the whole thing up for you

‫I don't know, you know? ‫I really should be working on my book

‫And look, I don't know ‫how to write screenplays

‫You need a computer ‫program or something, it's crazy

‫Don't be a milk toast, Jonathan

‫This is a very big opportunity for you ‫it could be a life changer

‫Can one screenplay really change a life?

‫- Sometimes ‫- Do I want my life to change?

‫Most people do, Jonathan, oh ‫shit, there's Atrum and Priscilla

‫- No, no, don't turn around ‫- Sorry, sorry

‫- Don't draw attention, just sit there ‫- Who are they?

‫Oh damn it, I can't stand him

‫I can't believe this is happening ‫Richard used to work for me years ago

‫and that's Priscilla, my best ex-wife

‫They recently moved back to New York

‫This is not gonna work ‫come on, let's get out of here

‫Why was she your best wife?

‫Everything with her was ‫as intimate, as kissing

‫I never really got over it, the most ‫orgasmic woman I've ever been with

‫Who was the most orgasmic ‫woman you've ever been with?

‫- Well, Atrum ‫- You could use my first name, George

‫but I hope I'm not the most orgasmic woman ‫you've ever been with, I'm not that easy

‫- Hello Priscilla ‫- Hello George

‫- You look absolutely beautiful ‫- No I don't, I look like shit, but thank you

‫- How do I look? ‫- Depraved but well-fed

‫Jonathan, this is Richard and Priscilla Atrum

‫Richard is the new editor ‫of Women's Wear Daily

‫George, you know I'm editing GQ ‫don't be petty

‫Oh, I'm sorry, I get the two confused

‫Of course you do, you know, you ought ‫to try doing the Times crossword puzzle

‫It's supposed to be really ‫good for senile dementia

‫Richard, George, please

‫Well, it's very nice to meet the both of you

‫Same here

‫So who was the most orgasmic ‫woman you've ever been with?

‫No, I wasn't talking about me, actually

‫Jonathan here mentioned ‫a woman that he was dating that he was...

‫- what did you say, very lively? ‫- Lively

‫Really? You know ‫you've got an awfully good grip

‫that's probably kind ‫of handy in bed, isn't it?

‫- So how orgasmic was she? ‫- Thank you about the grip

‫Yeah, I... she was...

‫I don't... I don't want to be rude

‫That's all right ‫I don't mind talking about sex

‫It's what everybody's thinking about anyway

‫Why don't we sit down ‫and have a drink and be civilized?

‫You know, I'd love to but we're actually... ‫we're on our way out right now

‫so maybe some other time

‫So anyway, um, hello and goodbye

‫Nice to meet you

‫Wow that was really weird the way ‫Atrum wouldn't let go of my hand

‫Oh, he's a strange and tormented creature

‫It really disturbs me that Priscilla ‫loved me once and now loves him

‫I hate to think what that means

‫They're very nice ladies ‫well, one of them is

‫I'd be doing them a huge favor

‫I don't feel good about this ‫I don't want you to be a sperm donor

‫But it's flattering, they're fans of my work

‫- I've never had lesbian fans before ‫- They should go to a sperm bank

‫You can't just give your sperm ‫to two girls you met in a café

‫I met you in a café

‫Ray, I just feel like you shouldn't be ‫doing this, the world is over-populated

‫Do you know there's an island of plastic ‫the size of Texas in the Pacific?

‫I know Leah, you've told me this 1,000 times

‫Please don't dismiss what I'm saying ‫over-population is important to me

‫Look, I don't think that me giving ‫these lesbians one illegitimate child

‫is gonna add that much plastic

‫You have two children, why can't I have one?

‫You haven't thought this through

‫You don't listen to me

‫I do listen, I've heard everything you said

‫Really? You don't listen, listen ‫I want you to go for therapy

‫Oh, God

‫Okay, I'll trade you therapy for sex ‫it's been almost three weeks

‫I think it's sweet ‫you know how long it's been

‫Well, let's get a drink ‫keep an eye out for Jarmish

‫God, there's a lot of good-looking women ‫here, much better than at book parties

‫Hello, hi

‫Goodbye

‫- White wine? ‫- Yeah

‫Why is it wherever I go I look for Suzanne?

‫Because your heart's broken, Jonathan

‫You're looking for the piece ‫that is her, to put it back together

‫I'll probably do the same with Priscilla ‫now that she's back in town

‫- God help me ‫- Well, if this thing works out with Jarmish

‫I'll be so distracted ‫that I'll forget about Suzanne

‫Movies equal money, women ‫glamour, more women

‫See? I like that, see? ‫That's positive thinking

‫- But is any of it meaningful? ‫- No, but it's fun

‫There's Jarmish ‫all right, let's go, all right?

‫Look at that hair, God, I love that

‫- Jim ‫- Hey George

‫Uh, this is... I'm sorry ‫I forgot your name, we just met

‫Miriam

‫Nice to meet you, George Christopher ‫and this is Jonathan Ames

‫- Hello ‫- Ah, the man I want to meet

‫It's very nice to meet you

‫Would you excuse us? ‫We have some business to talk over

‫- Sure ‫- Thanks

‫Are those hummingbirds?

‫Oh yes, yeah, they're dipping ‫their beaks into flowers

‫I love them

‫- What was your name again? ‫- Miriam

‫Miriam

‫So I really loved your novel ‫dark, funny, perverted, beautiful

‫You must really suffer from ‫the terrifying clarity of your vision

‫Thank you, I do suffer, thank you

‫Take a look at this screenplay ‫I kind of dashed it off

‫- It's about the New York poet Frank O'Hara ‫- Okay

‫- He had a beautiful nose, like a boxer ‫- Yeah, I know, I love his nose

‫He got run over by a dune ‫buggy on Fire Island

‫Anyway, I'd like you to think about doing ‫a rewrite on this, George has my number

‫Great, thank you so much for this opportunity

‫I love your work ‫and I can't wait to read this

‫Thanks

‫Did you have this script made ‫just for me? My name's on the cover

‫Well, you know? Now when ‫you give someone a script to read

‫it's kind of standard practice to, uh, laser ‫print their name on every page, so...

‫I see, well, this is not a big deal ‫but my name is misspelled

‫There's no O at the end ‫it's just Jonathan, not Jonathon

‫Yeah, man, I don't know ‫it's not really important

‫but call me tomorrow ‫and it was really great to meet you

‫- Great to meet you ‫- Thanks Jonathan

‫- Thank you ‫- All right

‫Jarmish

‫- Do you know Jim Jarmish? ‫- Uh, yeah

‫He's my favorite director of all time ‫his films are like poems that come to life

‫Wow, that's really interesting ‫that you should say that

‫The film that we might work on ‫together is actually sort of about that

‫You're gonna work with Jim Jarmish?

‫Yeah

‫I don't want to go to Smith Street ‫let's just go back to my place

‫I live with my dad but he'll be out ‫tonight, we can have a drink there

‫Okay, what year again are you at NYU?

‫- Senior ‫- Senior? Okay

‫- Wait, so you're 22, right? ‫- I'm going to be soon, I'm 21

‫You don't think I'm too old, do you? I'm 30

‫30's cool, I've been with guys older than you

‫- But are you a man or a boy? ‫- Well, what's the difference?

‫With a man, you feel like ‫you're being taken, and you like it

‫And with a boy, you feel like ‫they're stealing something from you

‫- and you don't like it ‫- Oh

‫This is it, thank you

‫Shit, my dad is home already

‫Oh, well, we can go down ‫to 7th Avenue and grab a drink

‫No, we'll go in his office, it's fun in there

‫Wow, it's a beautiful brownstone

‫Oh, your dad's a therapist?

‫Yeah, he's a pain in the ass, he thinks ‫he's the Carl Jung of Brooklyn

‫I like Carl Jung

‫Not when he's your dad and he acts like your ‫diary is part of the collective unconscious

‫Wait

‫Sorry, I keep thinking about ‫people sitting on this couch

‫talking about being sexually abused

‫That's what makes it fun

‫- You're a good kisser ‫- Am I a manly kisser?

‫Yeah

‫- Do you want to go to my prom with me? ‫- NYU has proms?

‫Oh shit, I'm drunk ‫I should be honest with you

‫- I don't go to NYU ‫- Where do you go, Hunter?

‫- St. Anne's ‫- The high school? How old are you?

‫- Old enough ‫- Wait

‫you want me to go to your ‫senior prom, right? You're 18?

‫- No, junior prom ‫- You're 17?

‫- 16 ‫- 16 years old?

‫But I'll be 17 in two weeks

‫You're 16? Oh my God, oh ‫my God, oh my God, oh my God

‫Don't freak out, I haven't been ‫a virgin for almost a year

‫- I probably know more about sex than you do ‫- I know plenty about sex, okay?

‫That... that doesn't matter ‫you said you were 21 years old

‫There's a big difference between 21 and 16

‫Look, I'm sorry ‫you're beautiful but I have to leave

‫I feel really guilty, I wish ‫I had met you in high school