Family Guy

I won a chain saw.

What? What are you talking about?

Some lady up the block is giving away

all of her husband's stuff 'cause he shot himself

- in the face. - Oh, my God!

I've seen that lady. He did the right thing.

That's also how we got this couch.

Basically everything in this house

is Christmas suicide furniture.

Donna, they had a bullhorn.

I don't know why, but they had a bullhorn.

Cleveland, it's time for lunch.

What do I want? Sammich!

When do I want it? Now!

So, kids, Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing.

It's called a podcast.

I guess it's like a-a radio show on your phone.

Have you heard of these? Podcasts.

Yeah, Mom, we know what podcasts are.

Huh.

I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms.

I'll have to let Bonnie know.

Wow, really?

Mom, Stewie needs his sausage cut

and his butter spread.

Here, let me get that for you, buddy.

There you go. Eat up, little guy.

Damn it, Peter. You ruined Stewie's chair.

And Bonnie wants to know what all the noise is.

- Amazing. - Ooh.

- Wow, it's Willem Dafoe! - That's right.

Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face

than most people have in their entire body,

he's perfect for carving, 'cause the angles are so sharp.

It's beautiful, Peter.

Yeah, I just love William Dafoe.

It's not "William," it's "Willem."

Yeah, that's what I said. "William."

He was in Spider-Man with Kristin Dunst.

- Kirsten Dunst. - Right. Kirsten Dunce.

- It's not "Dunce," it's "Dunst." - Yeah, Kristin Dunce.

In the movie, she dated William Dafoe's son.

Spell it, Joe! Spell what you are saying right now.

Well, I'll give it a shot.

K-Y-R-H...

Look, there's a reason I became a cop and not a spellman.

- A what? - A spellman.

- "Spellman" is not a thing, Joe! - Sure it is.

Fireman, longshoreman, spellman.

Stop me when I'm wrong.

- He's getting too many right. - Now I'm starting to think

there is such a thing as a spellman.

Hey, guys. Check it out.

- It's Groot. - Oh, yeah.

From that Marble movie.

What are you doing?!

- Turn that chain saw off! - Not a chance, Lois.

You know how hard it was to get that thing started?

It was even worse than trying to cover anything with Saran Wrap.

Oh.

Perfect.

Can't wait to throw that out in two weeks.

Peter! What's going on out here?!

Oh, hey, Lois. I'm just hollowing out this tree

for the Keebler elves to live in.

- Awesome! - I know, right?

Gonna get us a lifetime supply

of fresh-baked-but-still-stale supermarket cookies.

All right, time for a little elfin magic.

Ow! Oh! My arm! Oh, son of a bitch!

- Oh, my God! - Mom, look.

Aw. Poor thing must've been living in the tree.

- And its foot seems hurt. - It's even worse than that.

It looks like the tree landed on its parents and killed them.

Nobody touch the smooshed squirrel bodies!

Ooh, I got to get my camera.

That girl is one giant red flag.

Stewie, this squirrel needs help.

I wonder if... m-maybe I could take care of it.

I don't know if you should do it on your own.

Could be a lot of work.

Would... would you do it with me?

Well, I-I don't think it...

You know what? I think that's a marvelous idea, Chris.

I daresay we would make outstanding parents

- to this squirrel. - Hey there, Griffin boys.

I saw this tree go down. Any loot in it?

Elven treasures?

Uh, no.

Hey, Donna, the tree's just regular.

Go to work, Cleveland!

Well, somebody's getting big and strong.

Did you hear that one vet technician

say our little squirrel here

was in the 70th percentile for height and weight?

No. Which vet tech said that?

The one with the neck tattoo.

- Which one with the neck tattoo? - The one we saw

smoking in the parking lot when we were leaving.

Again, you're gonna have to be more specific.

The one wearing pajama bottoms as pants.

- Sorry, I don't... - The girl one!

Oh, yeah, with the half-shaved head. She was nice.

Well, I'll bet this cutie is hungry.

Wh-What are you doing?

Don't film me. Film the baby.

But you're both so cute.

This role, it-it suits you.

It's like you've been waiting your whole life

to be this person.

Shush, you're going to make me cry.

Aw! He made a little toot.

That was me. It was one of my cross-legged ones.

I should probably stop recording.

Well, if it's your elbow that's bothering you,

we should start by checking your reflexes.

- Okay, they seem all right. - Oh, that's good.

But you got to help me. My arm really hurts.

It all started after I got a chain saw.

Hmm, is that right?

Well, it sounds to me like you may have Chain Saw Elbow.

- "Chain Saw Elbow"? - Yes, it's all explained

in this video.

Hi, I'm Tommy Lee Jones.

Congratulations on suffering

from the coolest arm ailment there is:

Chain Saw Elbow.

As a celebrity dick, it's always been my passion

to own a ranch in a low-tax state

that I list as my primary residence.

And when I'm not pouting at awards shows,

I'm out in the field cutting firewood

for a staged Instagram post.

Sometimes I overdo it, end up with Chain Saw Elbow.

Now here's fellow ranch owner Dennis Quaid

to discuss the dangers of Tractor Ass.

So, you have Tractor Ass.

Okay, so how much synthetic opioid do you need?

I'm trying to prescribe enough to earn a fanny pack.

A-Aren't there any other options?

Well, there's a trucker hat, but those look stupid on me.

You know, sometimes joint pain is connected to back issues.

Have you ever had a chiropractic adjustment?

- What's that? - It's a procedure

where a guy who couldn't get into medical school

- tries to rip your head off. - Does it work?

If you believe it works.

It's kind of like the Polar Express.

- Let's do it! - Okay, I'll give it a shot.

But this type of thing is usually done in strip malls

next to a Little Caesars.

Holy crap! What happened?

Well, I think we simply found your true height.

Before years of poor posture and wear and tear

- crushed your spirit and your spine. - Wow.

Mr. Griffin, let's discuss risk factors.

Do you lead a lifestyle that's sedentary?

Pet Sedentary?

I'm saying you need to strengthen your core

and exercise regularly.

- Is that the hat? - Stupid, right?

I know the holidays are still months away,

but I was just so excited

to take our family Christmas card photo.

Are you kidding? I love it.

You know what, Chris?

I feel like I'm ready to start trying...

to find another squirrel.

What?

Nothing. I just...

I just hit the lottery when I met you.

Here's your photo.

It's the only one where the squirrel

wasn't trying to bite your hand.

- Ooh! - Oh, I love it!

- How much do we owe you? - It's fine. Just keep it.

Sears just closed forever.

Whoa! Peter, what happened?

Did you tease that witch again?

No, I got a back adjustment.

Turns out I've been this tall all along.

- You don't say. - Well, that's amazing.

Why are you still wearing the same pants?

I don't know. I only get pants at Christmas, so...

I'll get pants at Christmas.

- So, how is it being that tall? - It's okay, I guess.

Although I've noticed I'm a lot more clumsy in the bedroom.

I'm so sorry.

You two keep going. I'm gonna clean this up.

Stewie! Stewie, come quick!

Its first steps?

We've got to film this!

I know, I know!

Look at that!

Oh, I'm going to cry!

I've never felt this proud.

That's going on Instagram right now.

Totally! But we should pair it with a song

about steps or walking.

Oh, my God, yes. "Walking on Sunshine."