The League

Did you fart?

Yeah. Heh, yeah.

You can't do that in here.

It's the men's room.

You fart in there, but this is the urinal.

There's a barrier separating us.

A barrier, not a kitchen hood.

When did this begin that you...?

A man can't fart in the restroom?

Since they invented urinals. One foot away, yes.

I don't think that's allowed.

You're crossing the line. This is okay?

It's cool to fart on people?

It's the men's room. It's not a church.

Would you walk up to me in court, do this?

Not unless you're my wife or child.

Little one's right by my butt.

You're an animal.

I'm not an animal. I'm a human being.

Humans fart.

Okay? We fart!

Oh. Oh, no.

If you can't fart in the bathroom,

then where can you fart?

You can't do that in front of other people.

It's very uncouth.

I wasn't trying to kill the guy,

I was just blowing bubbles, just:

Just because you give it a cute name

doesn't make you any less of a shit bag.

I have been extraordinarily gassy recently.

We know.

I mean, usually I can take the scent of my own emissions.

But, God, this is like a rancid batch.

You disgusted yourself. It's hard to do.

I think it's the remnants of Ted's AIDS cocktail.

Don't know how they put up with that stuff.

The alternative is the end of Philadelphia, so...

Good point.

Spoiler alert.

I only saw the first half.

By the way, congratulations.

I heard that Chalupa Batman

got into that fancy toddler program.

Yes, we're very excited about that.

Let's call him CB. I'm pushing for that.

So you want me to keep homeschooling him or not?

No, we're good.

I feel like I'm at a MacArthur family reunion.

Ruxin is out of town on business, but where is Andre?

Have you seen him?

He's not doing good.

Went to his place and he didn't even get off the couch

to cook me breakfast.

When you grow tired of cooking me breakfast,

you grow tired of life.

Do you guys think he blames us for the whole Trixie situation?

Why, because of the bachelor draft thing?

It's not our fault even his pre-cum made Trixie nauseous.

Ha-ha-ha. Ooh. Ooh.

Blah!

Okay, I get it. Ha, ha. It's funny.

But put yourself in his shoes for a second.

Can you imagine how you'd feel if that blew up in your face?

I think you mean her face. Ha, ha.

Heh.

Okay, this is what I'm talking about, okay?

NFL has a whole bunch of new rules

for safety this season, right?

Maybe we need to institute our own

like no headhunting

and no attacking defenseless wide receivers.

If there's a defenseless receiver, it's Andre.

That's not how we were taught to play the game.

We were taught, when someone says

something stupid, bam, you say something back.

You just take it easy.

This is our best friend we're talking about.

Fine, I'll do the best I can,

but when Andre comes walking towards me,

dressed in something

an Ecuadorean gay man would put on his dog,

I don't know how I'm gonna react to that.

Gee, is that you? Jesus Christ. Oh.

Yeah, that was two minutes ago.

It must've escaped when I shifted.

Don't move. Just don't move.

I like it here. It's amazing, Kevin.

We can't mess this up. Okay.

We have to be the best versions of ourselves today.

I don't have a lot of practice being the best version.

You gotta be like Kevin, only better.

What? Just do it for your son.

Do it for CB. He needs it. Oh, no, no, no.

Today, his name is Christopher.

Okay? Not CB, not Chalupa,

not anything that sounds like a Mexican Justice League.

Normal name. No Taco Bell superheroes.

Christopher. Christopher.

Christopher. Christopher.

Oh, he doesn't like it. He's gonna love it.

You're gonna love it. Christopher Batman...

Hey. Stop, Kevin.

Sorry. Just Christopher. Sorry.

This play yard's amazing.

Although this playground looks a little pornographic to me.

What? It's not.

Look, that tube's like a... Like a shaft.

Those spheres... That girl's playing with the balls.

Stop doing that.

The tube is heading right towards the pink curtain

which is obviously the labia minora.

Labia majora. I don't know which one.

Just stop saying labia.

But I'm just saying, you could be like:

"Timmy, show me on the playground

where the man touched you on the playground."

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Is that who I think it is?

That is Jay and Kristin Cutler and the Cutlet.

Our kid's gonna go to school with the Cutlet.

With the Cutlet. Yes. See? I told you, babe.

You go out, you get drunk, go home,

you have sloppy unprotected sex,

look, you become best friends with the Cutlers.

It all works out. I told you.

Sadly, I think this is the best version of you.

Yeah.

Oh. Whoa.

Not good.

Oh, my gosh.

He has yet to touch his copy of Mister magazine.

Can you smell that?

Not even a hint of CK One in the air.

Jesus. Hi, Andre.

So this is the man cave, huh?

No.

It's supposed to be the magic man cave.

A place for all the dudes to come once I was married.

Defenseless receiver. Defenseless receiver.

But now I'm not married.

And no dudes wanna come in my man cave.

And so you managed to fit some hands into your cave?

I have hands, heads, balls.

Yeah, you got a lot of balls. Okay.

There are balls in here.

Based on Neil Patrick Harris' magic man cave.

Neil Patrick Harris?

He brought Oprah inside his magic man cave.

What I wouldn't give to poke my head inside that man cave.

But now I'm just alone.

How old is that pizza?

A week.

Ooh. You don't mind if I do?

Okay. You know what?

I know I wasn't your best man in marriage.

God help me.

But I am prepared to be your best man in bachelorhood.

And... What?

I will make you forget all about Trixie.

Been practicing that for three weeks. Couldn't get it.

Andre, it took like two minutes to learn.

No wonder why she left.

Not because I made her blind,

it's because I'm a terrible magician.

There are other reasons too, but...

This man cave was supposed to be full of magic,

but now it's just a dark, smelly hole.

Nights were gonna be filled with ball juggling.

I even had a night for black magic.

I wanted to learn the ancient art of sword swallowing.

All right. Enough, enough.

Bye, Andre. Sorry.

No one's coming in my man cave anymore.

Everyone's just pulling out.

How great is this place?

I know. It's really nice.

Absolutely. I love it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize. That's all right.

It's okay. Okay, bye. See you.

See you there.

You look so much like Jay Cutler.

I get that all the time.

I don't see it, though, really. Ha-ha-ha!

Weren't we in a baby class together?

Oh, wow.

I don't know. Maybe. I haven't been back.

Do you know that somebody stole a bottle of my breast milk?

Unbelievable. No way.

No. Yeah.

Oh, it's probably that Russian mob.

What?

They're animals.

They really are.

Look, your guy, my gosh, he's so cute.

So big.

Thank you. Your baby's great. It's got a...

Oh, wow, he's got a big head.

Um...