Mom

Previously on "Mom"...

I was thinking I could stay

an extra night for the express purpose of

taking you out.

- I'd really like that. - Oh, great.

Are you kidding me? You can't go out with Adam's brother.

And yet I've got my good bra on and I'm headed out the door.

Yeah, but I actually have to get back home tomorrow.

I'm gonna miss you.

You think we should try the long-distance thing?

I'm game.

But while I've got you here...

You ready for your coffee, babe?

No, thanks.

Starting today, I am giving it up.

Seriously?

Coffee is your only source of water.

When did water become such a big thing?

Isn't it enough that I bathe in it?

Where did all this come from?

I read it on Facebook.

"Five Things You Should Give Up for a Happier Life."

Was number one Facebook?

Hey, how come you guys didn't wake me up for school?

'Cause you're not seven.

I wish I was. I liked living alone.

You want a bagel?

Thanks, but all I need is coffee.

How sad to be so dependent. I remember those days.

She gave up coffee 30 seconds ago.

Good for you.

You're a dead man.

She's just kidding.

Help me.

Oh, damn.

I just missed another phone call from Patrick.

How does this happen? I was holding my phone in my hand.

Why do you hate love?

Why don't you stop playing phone tag

and just drive down to Santa Cruz to see him?

When? We have totally opposite schedules.

Relationships are torture.

Like waterboarding with sex.

That's the sort of comment that used to bother me

when I was under the thumb of the brown God.

This long-distance thing is just so frustrating.

I'm not sure Patrick and I can make it work.

For what it's worth, I hope you guys figure it out.

Oh, my God, I just missed his call again!

How, how, how?!

I'll see ya later.

Boy, I do not miss dating, you know what I mean?

Take a sip of your coffee and kiss me.

Hey, Patrick, sorry I missed your call, yet again.

I dropped my phone in the fountain

in front of the library.

I was making a wish.

Actually, I was wishing you would call me.

Ironic, right?

Is it ironic?

That's a word I should probably stay away from

until I figure out what it really means.

Anyway, my phone still works, so...

hit me back, as the kids say.

Yikes.

Oh, by the way, this is Christy.

Who should've stopped at "Sorry I missed your call."

Excuse me.

Don't I know you from that time we slept together?

Hi, Cooper.

Sorry, I've been meaning to catch up with you.

Oh, now's your chance. You mind if I sit?

Kind of a bad time; I-I really got to study.

Got it. I won't say a word.

Mm.

Mm.

"Bonjour.

You are the hottest girl in the student center."

Cooper, seriously?

It's not me. He has a mind of his own.

"And I cannot get you off of it."

Very funny.

"I am not trying to be funny, I am trying to be sexy.

Hon, hon, hon."

By being lame?

"Oh, that depends.

Is it working, mon petit ketchup packet?"

"That was fantastique."

It worked; knock it off.

Hey.

Oh, geez, you scared me!

I thought you gave up coffee.

My head is pounding, my colon's in gridlock,

and I winged a butter plate at Adam, so I'm back on the bean.

Yeah, yeah, good for you.

I had sex with Cooper.

I'm sorry, what?

I know. I feel so guilty.

Why?

Because I'm seeing someone.

Patrick? Oh, come on, you haven't even slept with him.

Believe me, I want to,

but our genitals are never in the same ZIP Code.

And that's not gonna change anytime soon,

so you're free to do whatever you want.

It's like prison. Nobody's married, nobody's gay.

Whoa, Mom.

You actually made me feel better.

Thank you.

You act like it's the first...

You're welcome.

Ugh, please don't tell Adam.

Why would I tell him you're cheating on his brother?

He would see it that way. I don't. Keep hugging.

Ah...

You never know how much you love something until you give it up.

You realize you're talking to a table full of addicts?

I don't see the connection.

So, Christy, I'm confused.

At your age, it's only gonna get worse.

Are you and Cooper dating again?

No. It was just a one-time thing.

Well, a two-time thing.

I swung by on the way over here.

Oh, look at you having it all.

If you get a bladder infection, I'm gonna be so proud.

So you like this boy.

No, I like Patrick.

I'm just having fun with Cooper.

Be careful, with your bladder and your heart.

I'm fine.

Guys do this stuff all the time. Why can't I?

Because you can't be intimate without getting attached.

Just 'cause I'm sober?

No, because you're you.

I can do it, Bonnie can do it...

Can do it blindfolded, and have.

I'm doing it right now.

He's an anesthesiologist. I feel nothing.

I'm sure he doesn't either.

Where you headed? Cooper's.

Dressed like that?

That's the beauty of this thing.

It requires virtually no effort.

I text two words: "You up?"

And bam, it's on.

One time it auto-corrected to "Soup?" but it still happened.

Hey, where you off to?

Uh... to the store.

Not the close one, the one across town with the olive bar.

God, I love olives.

Anyway, I might be a while.

Would you mind picking up some coffee?

Your mom's blowing through a bag a day.

- Sure. - Well, as long as

you're going... to the store...

could you pick up some soup?

Everybody loves a nice, hot, sexy bowl of soup.

Yeah, soup would be great.

Got it.

Coffee and soup.

She's the best.

My brother does not deserve her.

Aw, that's sweet.

You should've told her that before she left.

Oh, my God, it gets better every time.

Sure does.

I got to go.

Wait. Wait.

Why are you always in such a hurry to leave?

Well, I'm busy, you're busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

Yeah, but this is working, right?

Works for me.

I'm free Tuesday at 5:00,

as long as I'm back in my car by 20 after.

Christy, come on.

This isn't just hooking up anymore.

It isn't?

No.

I am totally falling in love with you.

Yup.

But you're a 24-year-old guy.

24-year-old guys don't fall in love.

My mom says I'm an old soul.

Well, I am a much older soul.

And I have a lot of baggage.

Lots and lots of baggage.

Then let me help you carry it.

Holy cow.

Cooper, look, I just don't have the same feelings for you.

Oh.

Well, now I'm a little embarrassed.

I booped your nose and everything.

I thought we were just gonna keep it casual,

you know, having a good time.

You mean just sex?

Exactly.

I assumed we were on the same page.

Well, we were not.