2 Broke Girls

Here's your fish of the day.

That day is last Monday.

Excuse me, miss?

There's a hair in my meatloaf.

This never happens.

Oleg!

We got a H-34 at T-2!

A hair? That's impossible.

Let me put some pants on.

I am so sorry

that you ordered the meatloaf.

Shouldn't he be in a hairnet?

He should be in a prison.

Good news.

It's not mine.

That Propecia's really paying off.

Obviously, it's not mine. I'm blonde.

You're not blonde everywhere.

I love carpet-and-drapes talk.

I want my money back.

Me too.

Well, it ain't mine.

Last time my hair was this long,

I was a back-up dancer on Solid Gold.

Han!

We got a customer with a hair up his butt

and one in his meatloaf.

Step aside.

Let an expert through.

Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD."

It's brown, somewhere between coffee and burnt sienna,

cleaned hastily with a combination shampoo-body wash.

Mm, this hair belongs to a single white man

alone, and not by choice, but so set in his ways...

Okay!

It's mine!

Next time you want a free meal,

order the fish of the day.

Am I right, ma'am?

Hey, can I order something?

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

I'm getting the itch to hit the road again

and I'll need a new identity.

I'll have a Moscow Mule.

Uh, how about a Jolly Rancher shot?

They're one of our signature drinks,

served with a side of my finger-guns.

How about a Moscow Mule

since that's what I just ordered?

Oh, are you sure?

The shot glasses are made of actual Jolly Ranchers.

Kids love 'em.

One Moscow Mule coming up.

All righty.

You don't know how to make one, do you?

No clue.

How 'bout I just make it myself?

Hmm, while you're at it, I'll have a Jack and Coke.

Always wanted to know what was in that.

Max, what's that guy doing behind you?

Oh...

You know I never look when they're back there.

Look, you can't let people serve themselves.

Again, not everything is a Hometown Buffet.

Uh, if it were, I'd be eating a biscuit

with macaroni and pudding on top.

People aren't ordering our signature drinks.

They want real ones, and I only know

how to make the stuff on the menu.

And Molly lollipops, which I call "Mollipops."

Then let me do it.

And is that why I slept for three days after Halloween?

Can I get a greyhound?

Greyhound...

Oh...

I don't drive for them anymore.

Politics!

Uh, you heard the man.

We're not paying you to just stand around.

You're not paying me at all.

Not with that attitude.

Believe me, if we could afford a bartender, we'd hire one.

This obviously isn't working out for either of us.

Ahem!

Was there a problem with your service?

Max, we need to talk about what happened last night.

Oh, crap, you said you were on the pill.

We need someone at the dessert bar

who knows how to make real drinks.

Not that your "cigarette butt and tonic"

wasn't a hit.

You said we couldn't afford a bartender...

or a mechanical bull,

which would have paid for itself by now.

Here's my idea.

We are going to bartending school so we can...

and don't kick me... be the best...

no pinching, not my nose...

business we can be!

- G'doink. - Oh.

You didn't say anything about G'doinks.

What do you think? 'Cause we're already

signed up and it's non-refundable.

I took your share out of your piggy bong.

You stole from Cheech and Change?

Okay, you can say you hate the idea,

but you don't have to cry about it.

Man, this baby's more full of crap

than a Coldplay album.

Fine, I'll change your diaper, but when you grow up,

you're going to have to return the favor.

The diaper goes the other way!

Earl, did that doll just talk

or are the voices telling me to kill again?

No, no, it's been yelling at me all day.

Between this and the police chatter

I pick up on my hearing aid,

it's like a damn party in my head.

Roger that.

Can this doll get any creepier?

Takes one to know one, Caroline.

Asked and answered.

Hey.

Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle

without having to worry about her baby?

You were watching us from the toilet?

Can't you just hold your nose and hover like everyone else?

It's my surveillance doll. Look.

It's hooked up to an app in my phone.

Look, she's got

cameras in her eyeballs;

she's got a microphone in her mouth;

and look, a laser pointer in her butt.

Is that the American Girl Doll PATRIOT Act edition?

Isn't she cute?

Look, she's like my twin,

only more alive.

Thank you

for keeping your eye on Barbara.

Aww.

Well, thanks so much.

I'd pay you, but I know you're too proud to take the money.

Uh, actually, the medical bills are piling up, Sophie.

- Well, see you later! - And I could really use...

If you need a free babysitter, that guy.

Is it just me

or is it hot and blurry in here?

Pardon me, sir.

Oh, my God, Han.

You're covered in spots and you're delirious.

You have chicken pox.

You also have chicken legs, so I guess you're even.

Han, you have to go home.

You're contagious.

And not like my laugh.

Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams.

Who said that?

You did! You have to go home.

Well, I suppose I could get into bed

and Hulu a little Mindy Project.

And, boy, is she a project.

Han looked pretty unsteady.

Do you think someone should make sure he gets home okay?

Don't worry so much. He'll be fine.

See? Fine.

I know this is just bartending class,

but gum, please?

That was chewing tobacco, FYI.

We need to take this seriously, Max.

Is that a pocket knife?

Uh, yeah.

How are they gonna know I was here

if I can't carve my initials in the desk?

Maybe we should sit at separate workstations.

I'm obviously gonna be the top student here

and I don't want to be associated with your

"rebel without health insurance" attitude.

Fine, smell you later.

Hi.

I haven't been in a class

since I graduated from Wharton.

- It's an Ivy League... - I went to Harvard.

Wharton was my safety school.

Max, do you still have that pocket knife?

Okay, I think everyone is here.

Hi, my name is Gil Bronski

and I am in no rush to go home.

I live with my mother and her three cats,

two of whom have diarrhea.

I thought it was an icebreaker.

No, it's a carpet-ruiner.

Oh, thanks, Julie.

Julie's killing it.

Now, you're probably all wondering,

"How did this former child actor

"briefly sidelined by a 30-year drug addiction

find himself teaching bartending school?"

Just got lucky?

Just got lucky!

Now, who can answer this?